Birthday bill split

[KnickerlessFatWoman]

Last weekend was my mother’s birthday, so we - that’s me, my parents, sister and BIL and their 12 year-old son - went for Sunday lunch. Unfortunately the food wasn’t great, and they ended up taking my main off the bill.

My dad is someone who always wants to treat everyone, so my sister and I decided this time it was our turn and we were going to treat him and our mum instead. When the bill came, BIL asked if we could split it over two cards, but they said they could only take one payment. He paid and I said I’d transfer my share. For the sake of keeping the maths simple on this thread, let’s say the bill was £210, or £35 per head.

Both BIL and sister are crap at responding to messages, so it took me until midweek to get the bank details. I sent over £70 to cover me and one of my parents.

I heard nothing in response, but I was chatting to my mum earlier and she said “Oh, by the way, Katie said you got the money wrong - it was £210 and you only sent £70”. I said no, that was right - my meal and one other. She said, “Ohhh… I think she thought you were splitting it”. I laughed and said, “No, we said we’d treat you and Dad. I didn’t say I’d pay for three meals!”

I don’t really know why my sister couldn’t just have messaged me instead of talking to our mother about it, but that’s not really the issue. Surely she and BIL don’t expect me to pay half the bill? By treating our parents, I meant exactly that - not that I’d pay for them both while my sister just paid for her own family (which is what this amounts to). There are three of them and one of me. If I pay half the bill, sister and BIL have only covered themselves and their child - there’s no “treating” anyone at all.

AIBU for thinking £70 was my share and paying just that?

Exactly @OneSparklyGoat

The OP was more than generous in putting up with not having a proper meal, but still paying her share of the total bill.

this is where I think differently. I don’t see is as I am paying for x and y person. I see it as, dad usually pays. We’re covering dads ‘debt’ equally as a treat to parents. They’ve both benefited from free meals multiple times.

If you really want to split hairs, BIL and Nephew didn’t have wine. Did anyone have a starter? A desert and some didn’t?

In my family, we split equally. No quibbles. But that’s our arrangement and we’re all happy. I’m a believer that it all works out in the end. My dsis has children. I don’t. I drink wine and sometimes order steak. She’s veggie and the kids have kids meals and don’t drink.

The real mistake here was no talking before and agreeing what way the split would be.

this is where I think differently. I don’t see is as I am paying for x and y person. I see it as, dad usually pays. We’re covering dads ‘debt’ equally as a treat to parents. They’ve both benefited from free meals multiple times.

But why would they cover it equally when they’re not equally responsible? That’s what those of us who are questioning the “Oh, but it’s just covering what the dad would normally pay; therefore it’s 50/50” line don’t understand. Why does that make it 50/50?

If you want to talk about them benefitting from free meals, surely the sister benefits three times as much every time dad pays.

They were treating the parents. OP paid half of that. It’s a bit cheeky to ask her to pay for the other ‘treating’ family, as then she’s paying for both parents.

This 100%

People have lost their minds

According to Mumsnet if you’re single and go out to eat with the entire Radford family, you should still pay 50% of the bill.

I haven't read the thread ill be honest but how the f*ck did this get to 900+ comments

MN loses it's mind over bill paying etiquette.

Never underestimate the inability of Mumsnetters to a) read and b) understand an OP’s post!

💯 this.

the utter abuse OP has received here is MENTAL.

From the very first post, it was clear that OP & DSis were going to split the parents’ bill. That still is ‘treating’ her dad, as he’s having a meal that he isn’t paying for. Hence, a treat.

The mental gymnastics of posters here to go waffling on about ‘experiences’, ‘company’ and ‘paintings’ is remarkable.

Poor OP.

Why on earth would a single person subsidise the meal of 3 people, who weren't the people being treated?

The single person ends up "treating" the whole party whilst the group of 3 "treats" nobody.

Lets go out together! Split the bill 50-50. I come as a package with 3 others. But thats fine isnt it.

See this is where context is important, isn’t it?

I agree with this. It seems a bit rubbish that the Dad usually pays too. Fair enough for his 2 daughters if that’s the family dynamic but does the BIL never put his hand in his pocket?

My DF always wants to pay but there’s no way my DH would sit back and let his FIL pay every time - especially when children came along. The dad sounds such a generous man - you’d have thought the sister would have looked for that in a husband too.

But the precedent has been set on previous meals (thet OP was happy to accept when it worked in her favour) is that DPs "share" of the bill is 100% of the bill, because historically that's what they've always paid.

On that basis, I'd have assumed we were splitting equally the total cost of the bill that OPs parents (and everyone else, usually) consider their "share" of the bill.

I expect on the next meal out, OP will suddenly revert to seeing the whole bill as her DP's "share" again, rather than insisting she should pay for herself, as per her preferred method of allocating "shares".

Yes, the precedent is that he pays for himself, his wife and all of his children. That is what OP was expecting her sibling to do.

I can't see what you mean here.
OP paid for herself and one parent and expected her sister to do the same. Surely that is completely fair?

Her DF was kindly paying for OP, her sister and her sister's family. If this was working in anyone's favour, it was certainly Dsis.

Hey DSIS, mum has mentioned you’ve raised with her my payment towards the meal on Friday.
I paid my share of the meal plus one parents, you’ve paid for your family plus one parent. Hope this is ok, as there are 3 of you and only one of me..
love @KnickerlessFatWoman

Yeah I wouldn’t agree to this either… two adults in their family and one in yours… therefore the bill should have been split 3 ways with your DSIS & BIL paying 2 thirds!

The bill has been split equally though hasn’t it.. OP, hee sister and her BIL are all adults who earn a wage, they’ve split the bill 3 equal ways as they should have! I can’t believe OP’s sister and BIL would even expect a lone person to pay 50% when they’re a family of 3!

Which is why they agreed to cover the parent’s share of the bill, meaning the parent’s orders, between them. They did not agree to split the entire bill.

If their father wants to cover the entire bill then he is entirely free to make that offer, and OP would be not be unreasonable to accept. She, unlike her father, was not offering to cover the entire bill, or even half of it.

But why am I the only one paying towards the food credit?

Why not? It’s a nice thing to do and you said you can afford it! Why have you never done this before - you’ve been happy for your parents to foot the bill all this time!

When you go out for a meal with family you pay for the whole experience not literally the food and drink you eat!

I bet you didn’t tip, you really do sound like a penny pincher!

They’re right though. 🙄

But the parents' "share" of the bill has always been 100% of the bill. Why would anyone assume that their "share" would suddenly be their "orders" when the bill has never been calculated that way, nor presumably will itbe the next time they go out.

I honestly think I would have presumed a 50/50 split of the whole bill, whichever sibling I was. Because this family have never used a "per person" splitting method, they've always just accepted that 100% of the bill as being DP's "share", so I wouldn't expect a sudden change of proportioning method to be used for one bill only.

Yeah... the sister is quids in here isn't she?