AIBU to refuse repeated requests from my neighbour for supplies?

[freecalpol]

AIBU to say enough is enough? DP thinks I’m being mean and unkind and is irritated at my ‘attitude’ towards our neighbour.

She regularly knocks to ‘borrow’ something. At first it was baby wipes, then Calpol. I gave them to her on these occasions as it was late and she hadn’t long moved in so I assumed a level of disorganisation due to the move.

It continued and if it’s just me home I’ll ignore the door or say ‘sorry we don’t have any of ….’ (Whatever she is asking for) .

I work long hours and I’m exhausted. Last night at 11 pm she knocked in a panic asking for Calpol . I said fine I’ll give you one dose in the syringes but you need to buy some yourself as soon as the shop opens or get it delivered . Dp said I should have given the bottle. I have work today so wanted to get some sleep. At 630 am she was hammering on the door and saying that her dc temp had spiked and she needed more. I told her from the window no - the shop opens soon or order it or just sort something else out as I’m not a pharmacy.

Dp says I’m mean and that hopefully the child is ok. I snapped at him and said if she can’t meet her child’s needs maybe I’ll call SS to see if this is information that adds to anything they already have as she seems to be struggling and the fact it’s now impacting my life isn’t fair, so yes she needs support but not financially from me supplying medication for her child. He said I was malicious to even talk about SS.

yes indeed - as a ndn, I would not want to be vicariously supplying
Calpol or any other medicine to someone else’s child, no matter
how late in the evening or dramatic the knocking

Well we don’t know either way as OP hasn’t come back but I was leaning more to her being on her own with the way it’s written

Can't believe some of the wet wipes on here slating OP, her NDN needs to sort her own shit out and not rely on others to provide and buy for her. She is the parent of her child and needs to look after it, buying stuff with her food shop, or stuff getting delivered if needed.
P seems invested in what OP should be doing to help NDN, what's his angle?
If he's that bothered he can help the lazy mare.

Why doesn’t the mother just get a bottle then?

On this occasion i would have given her one more dose as it was so early, but i would have said this is the last. You need to buy your own stuff. You are constantly asking and you never replace what you’ve borrowed-you’ve had whole boxes of cereal and bottles of calpol and have not returned them. We are not your supplier. I am happy to support you but we can’t keep going like this when you are waking us up due to your lack of preparation.

But why does she "have to keep asking" ??? 🤔

0630 is too early to disturb the neighbours for anything other than a genuine emergency (defined as involving immediate risk to life or limb).

Maybe she is in need , sounds v unusual situation

id be worried not judgemental

You absolutely need to be firm, or you will be treated as the corner shop. Without the need for payment.

I'm not even convinced that Calpol is actually needed as a medication on many occasions when it's given.

You might just have a grumbly child who enjoys getting a bit of attention and a spoon or two of a nice, sweet, strawberry-tasting syrup as a treat, and that calms them down... not necessarily anything to do with needing the paracetamol at all.

YANBU, I would be annoyed too. But could it be that she doesn’t have enough money? Asking for milk and cereals is a bit of a red flag for me. But if is because she is disorganised and lazy then you definitely have to set some boundaries.

The time to prove your point is a phone charger (how has she not got one in her house, seems weird?) or sugar. Not an ill child and withholding Calpol. Think that’s quite heartless. You could have spoken to her afterwards not let the child suffer because his mum is inept.

a bottle is just a few pounds

Then the child’s mother needs to buy some and not expect to just get other people’s stuff free.

Why are so many posters claiming the poor OP is the one letting this child, a child who isn't hers suffer. She's provided them with food and medicine and yet she's still heartless, really?

@Bollihobs I have no idea why the neighbour has to keep asking..I don't expect she's happy about it..

yeah I was responding to the people who said OP shouldn't even need to put herself out to find out more about this woman and her situation.

I don't think she should give the woman any more stuff, she has done the first step - just say yes and lend a couple of bits. But now this is becoming a pattern, and I don't think the OP can ignore it. That isn't the same as saying she should continue to give the neighbour whatever she cheekily asks for.

But there are quite a few on here saying shut it down now, don't answer the door, just day no, don't get involved further, how dare someone bother OP IN HER OWN HOUSE, OP is "not a social worker". I think that's an unreasonable expectation of community living, we all have to keep an eye on each other, and it's incumbent on OP to enquire a bit more as to what might be going on with the woman.

Maybe she should go to a pharmacist instead if she is so unhappy about asking. If she is a low earner, they will probably give it to her free.

Give the neighbour your DP's number and tell her he has full control of all supplies and you have no access, so she must contact him directly by phone, pager, or text (not knocking at the door) if she needs something? Then put away any supplies that you have bought so he's not giving them away and leaving you short; he can buy more for her as needed.

It's easy to "be kind" with some else's time, energy, money, and attention. If you've explained to your DP why you have responded as you have and he's still moaning, he's an arsehole. First of all your enabling this women in her apparent ongoing seat-of-the-pants dysfunction is actually NOT "kind', and secondly how about your partner try being "kind' to you, starting with accepting that you're a human being with agency and needs of your own and not a free service laid on by the local council?

I don't know the personal circumstances or motivation of OP's NDN, but I think a lot of people just have no idea of how the careful MO of many CFs works. Plenty of them know exactly what they're doing and have it honed down to a fine art. Start small and then push, push, push until they can take as much as they possibly can until you snap and close off the tap.

Even then, you'll get people like OP's DH and other well-meaning 'be-kinders' (most of whom don't have to actually give anything themselves), who tell you how horribly mean you're being not to (repeatedly) help somebody who claims to be 'in need'.

BEING poor or a victim is horrible; but falsely FRAMING yourself that way, in an attempt to make people fawn over you, can be a great strength. It's all based on exploiting other people's imputed social responsibilities whilst ignoring them for yourself.

by requesting it late in the evening/early in the morning,
when pharmacies are closed, so no chance of the ndn
being instructed to go buy her own,
besides which, a child or baby running a temperature
can be bathes in cold water for a speedy result and kept
cool until the fever abates

We don't actually know her, but it could be as simple as knowing that she can either have to go out to a shop and hand over some money for it; or otherwise just go next door and get it whilst keeping her money for herself.

It's standard for most people to prefer to pay less for something and get it somewhere more convenient; it's just that, for most people, it comes down to a choice of your local Lidl or the Waitrose 12 miles away, rather than a choice of going to a shop or going to your NDN.

So many high horses are being ridden here today

i think the borrowing issue could of been discussed adult to adult, i feel your response to a distressed mother was unreasonable.

Does she buy you a bottle to replace what you kindly gave her, if not she's a CF and liberty taker.
Even if she's too lazy to go to shops to buy stuff,she can get it delivered from amazon without having to get off her fat lazy arse

But you don't need a pharmacy to buy Calpol. It's less than £3 a bottle for supermarket own-brand - and you can buy it whenever they're open, which is the majority of the time.

Even when the supermarket is closed, there's Spar, other corner shop, petrol station or similar, although you'll probably have to pay a little more for the branded. There are also delivery services, so you don't even need to step outside your own front door.

It's just a standard part of being an adult/parent.