AIBU to think the "100% sure he’s never cheated" crowd are naive and delusional?

[IceCream233]

I’m looking for a bit of a reality check on relationship statistics.

I often see threads on here where 80% to 90% of posters insist they are absolutely, 100% certain their husband has never cheated.

Trust is great, obviously, but looking at actual statistics, it's just mathematically impossible for everyone to be right.

General studies on infidelity show that around 50% of married men will stray at some point. Plus, we all know that a massive chunk of people who cheat are just careful enough that they never get caught.

The math completely falls apart here. It means a huge portion of women who feel totally secure right now are actually being lied to, they just don't know it yet.

Are people just telling themselves "not my husband" as a coping mechanism to keep themselves happy? Is a bit of delusion just a basic requirement to survive a 20-year marriage?

AIBU for looking at the cold numbers instead of just relying on a gut feeling?

I agree. I thought my Ex would never, ever cheat. I'd have sworn on our kids lives that he wouldn't, But turns out he was shagging a random man he met online.

Like honestly, early in our relationship he said cheating was a dealbreaker for him, so I felt safe with him. Ha, as if. Turns out even when he said that he was lying about his previous sexual partners. I'll never trust anyone enough time have a relationship again

I wonder this too.

There is a bitter nasty vibe to posts like this that seem almost gleeful about the thought of women being hurt and cheated on. It comes across as very bitter. As if people should be punished for daring to be happy.

I am fully aware that I or my husband could cheat and that it’s not impossible. However I still choose up trust my husband until I have a reason not to. Why would I live my life assuming the worst constantly? That would be fucking miserable. Equally I don’t assume my house will burn to the ground every time I leave for work even though it’s technically “possible”.

Personally I find this obsession with needing to smugly tell women that of course their husbands are going to cheat absolutely pathetic.

And the obsession with needing to say that “all men cheat” when just as many women cheat as men.

So people have affairs. My guess is that the majority of women who feel the need to lord it above trusting women and bring them down by essentially telling them they’re delusional idiots are either bitter women who have been cheated on, or have or are cheating themselves, and having a laugh at their husbands’ expense and also at the expense of every other woman who trusts her husband.

Grow up and get a life.

The fact is that 100% of people are capable of cheating in the right circumstances. Doesn’t mean they will, plenty won’t. But you can never say never.

But exactly whose interests are you serving by telling people that? Looking down on women who trust their partners as beneath you, positively gloating at their potential downfall when they find out their partner may have cheated.

I have no doubt that you would be the first to post “I told you so” if one of the trusting posters here found out her husband had had an affair.

The maths absolutely do add up. Because those figures are based on everyone who has ever cheated, even once. So you cheat on your girlfriend at 17, once, and then go on and live a happy life, you become a statistic.

And the “once a cheat always a cheat” line is a load of bollocks.

@NeverLookInTheMirror

So well said. I’ve also noticed that there almost seems more anger directed towards women who trust their partners than the partners who are actually cheating.

As if being too trusting is some kind of worse moral failure than actually being a cheater! We can’t have people being happy - they must be dragged down 🙄

But people rise above their base instincts all the time and choose to live with integrity. I don't do every little thing my lizard flashes up to do and neither do a lot of men. Some men might have poor self control, they might be impulsive, perhaps they get blind drunk or high, maybe men who don't cheat have more respect and even love for their wives and partners than the men who do cheat, they maybe have more empathy, are more risk averse or are just more intelligent given high IQ is correlated with a reduced instance of infidelity.

It's like misery loves company on this thread "my man cheated and so it's inevitable that all men will cheat and if you don't live with this thought in your head 24/7 then you're an idiot". Again I am truly sorry for the hurt men have cause women but not all men cheat, some marriages are very happy and faithful. Honestly there is a lot of bitterness on this thread.

'It's like misery loves company on this thread "my man cheated and so it's inevitable that all men will cheat and if you don't live with this thought in your head 24/7 then you're an idiot"

Not one person has said that. As far as I know my dh hasn't cheated but sadly I know plenty of 'it'd never happen to me' people to know cheats are unsurprisingly good at covering their tracks. Obviously you don't live with the thought 24/7 but nor should anyond be so naive to think it won't happen to them.

'Lizard'. Sorry, what?

Very much the same here.

@Marmite27 not to burst your bubble, but there are men who look for online affairs. So they have the emotional affair or sexting and their partner/ wife is none the wiser.

See also porn and coke use.

Apparently every man does it.

Personally I know far more women who have cheated than men.

It happens. Is it ok? No. But people are human.

I'm afraid that is very much the vibe on this thread from a lot of posters even if they don't say that directly its heavily implied. There is a clear difference between hubris and having trust and knowing that your partner has integrity. If I didn't trust my husband I wouldn't be married to him and I'm sad for the women who feel deep down they can never fully trust their partners.

I can - hand on heart - say that I would never cheat on my husband. I trust that he can say the same.

sadly I know plenty of 'it'd never happen to me' people to know cheats are unsurprisingly good at covering their tracks.

Ok so some people don’t think it will happen to them. That doesn’t make them horrible people worthy of scorn does it? We all have beliefs about how our lives will pan out and sometimes we get slapped in the face and things all go wrong. It doesn’t mean it was our fault for having hopes and dreams. Yes sometimes we are mistaken - that makes us human and I quite sure those who thought it wouldn’t happen to them and it did have been punished adequately by the hurt and humiliation of it. They don’t require someone snidely telling them “I told you so”

I know my husband has never cheated as he barely has energy for work and family, let alone anything else

This, basically. My husband is objectively hot, rich and spends a lot of time staying away from home for work. He could absolutely cheat if he wanted to. So could I. Our marriage isn’t perfect for many reasons, but cheating isn’t one of them. In theory it has crossed my mind of course, as I’m sure it has his, but actually going through with it would be life ruining for everyone. It’s just not on the agenda.

If he's hot, rich, stays away a lot and your marriage isn't good why on earth do you think he doesn't cheat, because he says so?

Maybe the people who post on these threads are the ones who are confident in their partners' fidelity. The 50% who have cheated maybe have wives who don't post.

That's why it's such an earth shattering shock when they do. Most are completely blindsided unfortunately.

Honestly though - who on earth goes into a relationship expecting to be cheated on?

if you assumed your partner was going to cheat on you with every woman he encounters in his daily life then people would say that was jealous and controlling 🤷🏻‍♀️

I used to think my DH would never cheat. Found out he’d used massage parlours for happy endings a few years ago. Note, he did not consider this cheating.

Then recently discovered a friend who I would NEVER think would cheat in a million years had been meeting women for sex that he’d met on a hook up site. Pillar of the community, lovely family, seems like he has a great relationship with his wife. He was going through a stressful time apparently

AIBU to think the "100% sure he’s never cheated" crowd are naive and delusional?

No more or less than the "she's never cheated" crowd.

I am happily married. Together 26 years, married 21. Absolutely adore, respect and trust each other. Been through cancer, two gifted autistic kids and plural SEND Tribunal battles, financial issues, you name it. Really hope we grow old together.

Either one of us could meet someone and lose our heads. And I have no way of knowing if he's who I think, anyway. Nobody could. We don't know ourselves, let alone someone else. Of course he could cheat. Anyone can.

A marriage will end. Death or divorce, it ends. I am just, as I am with life, grateful for the joy and security and trust and love I've had, and crossing everything it does indeed endure till one of us dies.

No I don’t think you are BU. I was one of those 100% certain my h would never cheat in a million years. Just wasn’t the type of guy, never had the chance, never went out, didn’t drink or fool around with friends etc etc.
I was so wrong, he got chatting to someone online (someone we both knew at the time) and they ended up meeting up several times before I found out and discovered he’d bought another phone to use to contact her on. It was going on for months before the discovery. No sex involved, at that point, but definitely an emotional connection. Maybe no sex because she was married too, they had nowhere to go, he was too tight to pay for a hotel room, plus it was a joint account, so charges would have come up on the account?
but who knows if I hadn’t discovered what was happening 🤷‍♀️
Never again will I ever believe there a man that won’t cheat, if it’s on offer.

A lot of people are decent.

Maybe because he’s a decent human being?

People are so quick to wish misery on other people here, and let’s be honest MN loves nothing more than the destruction of a relationship, that they appear to have lost sight of the fact that while they’re gloating about the women being screwed over by their husbands and waiting to tell them it’s no more than they deserve for trusting them, there’s the other 50% who haven’t cheated.

And of the 50% who have cheated may have done so once when they were 17, be in their 50’s and happily married.

And they seem also to be losing sight of the 50% women who have also cheated

But why let facts get in the way of your pathetic bitter outlook on life.

And a lot on this thread aren’t.

They just love to see other women as unhappy as they are.