AIBU to consider another baby while still renting in our thirties?

[Singalonng]

I have a 13 year old and 10 year old. We are currently renting at a reduced rate through family. I am 37 years old.

I desperately would like to try for another baby. I have wanted to for years, but various life events have prevented it sooner. My husband is keen but also hesitant. The reason for this is that we don’t own a home. We have £25000 in savings, which we have saved up over the last few years. I have been working for 1 year in a career role that has progression opportunities. My husband earns about £50k, but we live in a very expensive part of the country.

I know the age gap is big, but would we be crazy to have another?

YABU - don’t do it
YANBU - go for it

How many rooms do you have? Has this already been asked? Surely that’s the biggest question here… can you house another child or will you need to move in a few years. If you know you can’t afford to buy then you’ll be actively putting your family into the council housing system - which I would strongly advise against.

This is the kind of question where you cannot reason it out logically. There are reasons for, reasons against. It might be brilliant with that age gap, it might not. You might decide against and still never end up as home owners.
I think if both you and your DH are keen to have another you should go for it and not wait for some hypothetical 'right' time or circumstances.

I don't think this would be a good move. Better to focus on the children you have and give them a secure roof over their heads. You still wouldn't be out of the 2 year period in your new job, so not completely secure in your new workplace. Plus you would put back any progression in your career.

There are desires for another child but also there's a bigger responsibility to the children you already have. Give them security first and foremost.

I don’t have as big an age gap but we’ve had a third and even with the challenges she has absolutely lit up our lives and I’m grateful for her every single day.

I have two sons from my first marriage - 16 and almost 19 - and a 6 yo with my now husband. We are long-term renters as, despite both working, we still can't afford to buy.
May I ask how old you are, OP?
Edited: Doh! Just read that you are 37! I was 39 when I had my third and last. The only thing I didn't factor in was being in perimenopause and working alongside a little one. It's hard!
I would have stopped at two with my first husband but my second husband had no bio children and I knew how much a child of his own would mean to him (and to us as a couple).

I feel such regret at not making it happen sooner. I don’t want to live with this regret forever.

It’s completely selfish. But then having any children is when you think about it.

It sounds like it’s consuming you, which js not healthy.

I think the age gap is problematic- the sibling relationship won’t be there. You must think of your existing children in this, over and above your own wants.

Regret shouldn’t be used to drive any decisions.

I think the concern would be you are renting at a reduced rate through a family member. What happens if that comes to an end - can you afford private rental market. Can you afford private rent for a family if 5 not 4.

In your position I wouldn't. Not because you don't own (neither do I) but how it will affect your dc coming up to exam time and having a little one around the house. Everything becomes a lot more expensive too- holidays for family of four, days out when you have teens and a baby, even food wise- everything comes in even numbers in packets, which I've found this week having ds's girlfriend over for two weeks. Also the thought of going through peri whilst having a teen... no thanks! Don't do it.

Are the older ones yours together? So he has two too?
People I know with these gaps is usually because of second marriage in which case that seems fair if one would otherwise have no DC.
Is it related to sex of existing DC? Wanting a boy or girl?
It’s really hard for most of us to be objective as we’ll project our own experiences. For what it’s worth my parents had one with four teenagers and we love him and are close now we’re all much older but he definitely grew up ‘alone’ without the usual sibling relationship and my parents had definitely ‘checked out’ when it came to the energy and enthusiasm for his milestones. He has talked about this.
I had three by mistake as 2nd was twins and it has been a massive impact on every aspect of life and made everything that bit harder. Although mine were v close together.
Plus if one of yours was very ill is that something more likely to happen again? Having a child with health problems could be devastating for your finances and the existing two.
Sorry. All logical type arguments for something that isn’t a logical thing!

Not sure why renting is a problem, we deliberately choose to rent and spend on good holidays and memories etc however similar on that we had 4 between ages 10-16 and decided we wanted more when I was also 37, DH continued working I gave up mine and now we have a single and twins and I'm just about to turn 40...love every minute and the little ones are adored by there older siblings, however it helps to have a hands on dh once home from work lol

Renting is a problem because the availability of properties to rent has decreased significantly and the cost of renting is increasing exponentially. Being able to afford a house to adequately house a larger family becomes more challenging and puts more stress on the family.

If either parent were to lose their job, through illness or redundancy, and unable to afford the rent then homelessness would become a very real issue. Council housing is increasingly scarce and the ability to walk into a property straight away is difficult. Look at the stats for family homelessness, it is very sobering.

Job security is increasingly deminishing and trying to find a replacement job getting ever harder.

Whilst owning a home is also a big financial commitment, it also means that you are building up equity for the future which can be used as required further down the line.

Also, unless you are significantly investing any spare cash, renting can cause problems in later life and retirement. Unless you have a gold plated pension and savings pot, it will increasingly become an issue to afford rent. If the state pension still exists, then trying to find accommodation to afford within that budget is going to be very hard. Again look at homelessness in retirement stats, it's incredibly sad.

The days of blithely saying just do what makes you happy are gone. The current financial situation society is facing means that the safety net once enjoyed is not as good as it once was and many are facing long term problems due to that thinking. We need to be able to help the children we already have launch into adulthood as smoothly as possible, which means financial planning is key no matter what your household income is.

Generally MN doesn’t ‘do’ unconventionality. It’s one or two children with no more or less than a 3.5 year gap.

I don’t think it’s as simple as ‘if you want a baby have one’ at all but I also don’t think a big age gap is the worst thing in the world (it actually works better as far as I can see than the approved 2-3 year age gap.)

My siblings were 12, 10 and 8 when I was born. I kind of grew up like an only child as they were busy teenagers when I was small. My parents were too exhausted to really parent by the time I hit my teens (I had very free/unrestricted teenage years) and they took very little interest in me. Obviously I’m not saying this would be your parenting style but I would consider the fact you’ll be in your 50s when this baby is a teenager, having already raised a couple of other ones, and ask yourself if you really want to put yourself through that. Your career will likely take a hit.

Personally I would prioritise owning a house with two DC over a lifetime of renting with three.

I also have a 10 and 13 year old. By the time you have a baby they will be almost or already 11 and 14. I would not be adding a baby to the mix. They need your full attention when they go into high school and exams in my opinion

Write yourself a list of the risks for each course or action, and then the benefits. Think honestly about the effect on your older kids, your retirement provision, your career progression and financial sustainability of your family.

Some friends did exactly this, ordinary middle class household - and their finances changed -job loss for main earner followed by a string of insecure work. Their third child had health problems. They ended up needing to use a food bank. It has been immensely stressful for them and they have never recovered five years on. It doesn’t mean it will necessary happen to you, but go in with your eyes open.

I did ( but not the renting bit)
The pros
She was and is an absolute delight. Her older sisters loved her from the start.
Cons
I had school age children for 27 years. That really gets old!
Toddler and teens aged me. Up worrying about teens that are out, and a toddler that is full of beans at 6 in the morning!
Now I am 58 but have an 18 year old still at home and to get through uni.

It's something that would definitely make your life harder in terms of increased costs and juggling the needs of two very different age groups. That doesn't necessarily mean that it's not worth the benefits but I'd be thinking long and hard about what support your family has and what your back up plan would be if renting from family is no longer an option.

My children are that kind of age and their dad and his wife had a baby and now they rarely ever want to go to his house

I'm not really fussed about being conventional but it some cases I think there are good reasons why most people things a certain way

Go for it I say, I have two children adults now I often think we should have had a third. Too late for us of course. Lots of parents have age gaps. If you wait for the perfect circumstances, it will never happen. Good luck

Oh for sure, but equally it isn’t for everyone. I don’t mean living a life that’s radically off beat or anything like that but for my part I’d have preferred a bigger age gap! Two close together is ah … a challenge at times. But I was old so didn’t have the luxury of waiting.

This, you would be mad and selfish as well. This child would grow up like an only child as well. No really strong bonds of growing up with siblings. But more importantly- you really want to be sleep deprived at this age, changing nappies and starting from zero?

Gasp! An only child! Gracious!

Although a lot of what you say makes sense, the point that was made in the podcast I mention earlier is that owning a property isn’t actually the best way to built up financial security because in order to release the equity from a home you own you either have to leave and sell it (which isn’t easy or desirable in many cases) or you have to remortgage which also isn’t always easy, possible or desirable especially as you get older. Renting has become more secure with the new law (plenty of challenges with that law but for those already in rented it does give more security of tenure). So yes it is true that finding properties is competitive and expensive but I think we sometimes place too much emphasis on property ownership in this country when we need to look at other types of financial investment as well. It’s not a dichotomy between buying a property and having no financial security. There are other ways to invest money that can bring financial security while you rent.