AIBU to consider another baby while still renting in our thirties?

[Singalonng]

I have a 13 year old and 10 year old. We are currently renting at a reduced rate through family. I am 37 years old.

I desperately would like to try for another baby. I have wanted to for years, but various life events have prevented it sooner. My husband is keen but also hesitant. The reason for this is that we don’t own a home. We have £25000 in savings, which we have saved up over the last few years. I have been working for 1 year in a career role that has progression opportunities. My husband earns about £50k, but we live in a very expensive part of the country.

I know the age gap is big, but would we be crazy to have another?

YABU - don’t do it
YANBU - go for it

You aren't going to get balanced answers here. There's a TTC forum on mumsnet which will be far more focused.

For me it’s not so much the renting but the teenager being crucial exam years and having a toddler and all the disruption that brings. I was newly married with children your age and we decided to have none together, best decision we made. Our older children remained the focus and we could age appropriate things all the time. We have amazing young adult children and in my mid forties I’ve a whole new life and am living it to the full. I can’t imagine what that would like with a ten year old about now. Big decision but really only one you can make as everyone’s reasons and situations are different

I don’t think renting is an issue, if you’re financially sound and the tenancy is secure.

Personally, I wouldn’t have such a big age gap. But I’m not you!

The age gap is to big, it’s going to disturpt your older two to much especially with the eldest coming up to exam years.

I have kids the same age as yours and would not have a baby for so many reasons. Even though we are financially fully secure.

Have you considered a puppy? I know that sounds flippant but it’s a serious suggestion.

Renting isn’t a problem. Having a baby would obviously use some of your savings. The timing for your older kids would be a bit rubbish tho, they will need you a lot over the next few years and it’s not the same if they’re second to a baby/toddler. I don’t think there’s a wrong choice but I’d deff consider all aspects of it before deciding

New baby is not fair on existing children with that gap.

It's not fair on your teenager to have to deal with a screaming newborn while they're doing their exams.

Wow - not even one comment thinking it’s a good idea. I didn’t expect such a clean sweep.

Given the state of the housing and employment markets, I'd focus on getting on the housing ladder and getting 2 years employment to your name, with any training that gives you access to.

You will be 39 and maybe a grade or two more senior. You could try for a third one then.

I would in your position. At 37, if you want a baby, you should prioritise that and sort buying a house later. The amount of savings you have suggests that you’re financially stable and will be providing a home for all your children, even if renting.

mumsnet is always very against having more children unless you are asking about a second child with an ‘appropriate’ age gap. So the negative responses are entirely expected. Your family your choice. Ps I would have loved another younger sibling when I was that age! X

I’ve got 9 and 11 year gap between the first two and last one (plus one in between) aside from the fact they didnt really have a sibling relationship growing up due to their different life stages now they are all grown up they get on fine.

The thing I’ve found hardest is I’ve kind of grown out of patience with having to do schools, college, driving lessons etc again with the youngest, but that is my problem not hers so I do it all anyway. I also ended up being a single parent when she was 2 so I’ve done things alone this time around too.

Given your age (younger is better for pregnancy) if you are sure you want another id be trying now.

I would say you must really consider the impact on your older kids before deciding one way or the other. Exam years, puberty and newborn/toddler needs will be tricky to balance. Would your finances be able to cope with the additional costs if you lost your below market rate housing?

I wouldn’t, but you need to do what feels right for your family and if that feels like another baby then you’re not in a bad position if you can be fairly certain that your rental will stay secure. In some ways, it will be like having an only child: depending on how long it takes you to get pregnant and whether your two eldest go to university etc, your youngest will spend a large part of their childhood with no siblings at home, and even before that, with no siblings they can actually play with, so some need to think about that dynamic which you’ve not been used to with your two eldest, and their social and playmate needs etc whilst also supporting your teens.

OP there’s 13 years between me and my sister and it was fine growing up and fine now. This is MN where an age gap of more than a few years is frowned on. And I certainly didn’t feel like an only child or the other bullshit people come out with

if you want another child go for it, we will end up with anything between an 8-10 year age gap and I know full well I’ll be tutted at on here for even considering it

I don’t see the point. Your kids are 10 and 13, why make them have to deal with a baby at their ages?

Our youngest was seriously unwell for a number of years. That’s why we didn’t and couldn’t do it sooner.

I think it’s different if you have one older child vs if you have two. If you have one then having another gives your child the experience (not necessarily net benefit, but experience!) of having a sibling. But OP’s kids already have that.

With children of those ages and in your situation house and career-wise I wouldn’t consider it. I understand it’s a huge biological pull but logically it makes no sense. If you keep going in your career and buy a house you can provide a wonderful life for the children you do have. Sorry if this isn’t the reply you want.

Well there’s not much reason why it would be a ‘good’ idea specifically, with almost 2 teens and another baby meaning you likely can’t buy a house. It’s not an awful idea and I’m sure if you go for it you’ll do fine, but posting this in AIBU on mumsnet was never going to get you loads of people saying yeah great idea. Good luck with whatever you decide

Your comment about growing out of patience really resonates with me.

There's an 11.5 and 13 year age gap between me and my half siblings and my mum definitely ran out of patience of a lot of aspects of parenting by the time I was 11 or 12…except she didn’t do it all. By the time I went to secondary school, she didn’t engage a lot of school events or planning next steps. She never visits me and wasn’t very interested when I got married - my older sister is more of a mother figure.

If you definitely want another, now is the time to go for it but you need to be confident you can dig deep and show up even if you run out of patience like this poster.

Age gap would be way to big for me

There are loads of different types of families - plenty with big age gaps, some with six kids and some with just one child. Old parents, young parents. As long as there is love they can all be beautiful.

Mumsnet is amazing and a great place to ask for advice for some things…but there are other areas where it’s better not to ask IMO.

You’re 37 so you can have another child if you wish and only you know what is right for your family. Some people would prefer to have their 40s child free and ready to have fun again. Others just love having kids in the house and would prefer to spend those years raising another. Only you know what would work for you.

Nothing wrong with renting. There is security in home ownership but also a lot of costs. I listened to a podcast the other day about being wealthy and the guy rented his home and invested his money - a better way to increase your spendable wealth than tying it up on an asset you’ve have to sell to make use of the value. I’m not saying don’t buy - I did - I’m just saying it’s not the only way to live.

if you and your husband long for another one then go for it. Life is a lottery so there are no guarantees but you make the decision that makes most sense to you.

A new kid could be a joy, but it could also destroy what you have, I'd appreciate what you have and try to get a home.

Im 37, my youngest (2nd) is 13 and having another baby now is my worst nightmare.
Also would you definitely be able to afford it, a lot of the world is set up for a 4 person family, costs shoot up exponentially when its a family of 5, from cars to holidays. And costs at the minute just seem to rise.