AIBU to consider another baby while still renting in our thirties?

[Singalonng]

I have a 13 year old and 10 year old. We are currently renting at a reduced rate through family. I am 37 years old.

I desperately would like to try for another baby. I have wanted to for years, but various life events have prevented it sooner. My husband is keen but also hesitant. The reason for this is that we don’t own a home. We have £25000 in savings, which we have saved up over the last few years. I have been working for 1 year in a career role that has progression opportunities. My husband earns about £50k, but we live in a very expensive part of the country.

I know the age gap is big, but would we be crazy to have another?

YABU - don’t do it
YANBU - go for it

You mention that you are renting at a reduced rate through family, and are saving to buy a house. Presumably you have a spare room for the planned new child? I'd want to be sure that the family member that you are renting from wasn't giving you a reduced rate in order to help you into a better financial position, in which case they might be upset about you actively putting yourself into a worse financial position and pushing the date of being able to buy a house even further down the road. If they aren't doing that and are just renting to you because they want to, rather than with expectations that might be different.

I think you need to consider all the factors anyone needs to consider when having another child.
Do the current two have their own bedrooms? Is it a 4 bed house so that if you do have the baby they will have their own room? This seems to always be the big issue for people on here. Asking your eldest to have to share to make room for the new sibling will cause resentment, or asking one of them to share with the baby will also cause upset.
You then have the possible car issue - fitting a baby seat in amongst 2 adults and 2 soon to be teenagers is likely to mean a bigger car is needed.
Then you have the additional costs of going from 2 to 3. Do you have all the baby stuff saved or will you be starting again needing to buy cots, pushchairs, bottles etc.
What impact will this have on your current children? As mine have got older (end of primary) the things they want to do/present they want for birthdays are becoming more expensive (son can dream on it he thinks we can afford a gaming computer for him).
Holidays become tricky as a family of 5 rather than 4, some places you need to book an extra room.

To me it sounds like you are in a good position of having savings and in a job that has good earning potential that will benefit your family. Stopping to have a baby is likely to halt that (maternity leave, will you then want to work part time).

Absolutely, you can build up a significant investment portfolio whilst renting that will see you through the future. There is very much an argument for that.

But, and here's the reality, most people don't save and don't invest. The majority of people will realistically spend spare money on holidays or just trying to meet the basic cost of living. So the pension contributions are put on hold, the savings diminished, just to keep paying for the car, house or other family needs.

So whilst that argument can be put forward in a vacuum, it doesn't necessarily really exist or can exist for the majority of the population trying to make ends meet.

A mortgage requires a payment every month, which will build up equity whilst putting a roof over your head. So whilst it's not necessarily the highest or most effective yielding investment, it does fulfil two basic needs at the same time: housing and future wealth.

I had a similar experience, although my siblings were only six and eight years older than me. They were very close, while I was younger and ‘left out’ as a natural consequence of the age gap. I also had a bit more freedom than they had as my parents were more relaxed or just ran out of energy.

Regarding the issue of the OP’s age, I had my first (and only) child at 38 and I agree with comments about changing energy levels. I’m now in my late 40s and definitely noticed a drop in my energy levels in the past few years. It’s been manageable with just one child, but I can see that if I’d had older children as well, it would have been difficult.

Was this something you always wanted? Any chance you could be perimenopausal? Some of my friends got broody around peri.

i have young adult children and would echo other posters’ comments about the support your kids need during their exam years.

I have ten years between my eldest and youngest and they're really close, in part because my eldest is a lovely boy and he still gets involved with his younger brothers playing and such. The age gap wouldn’t concern me so much. Starting again with a newborn is hard though obviously when you’re out of practice. It’s a tough call and not for any of us to make. Personally in your financial/career situation I wouldn’t.

I have 4 kids and there’s a 12 year age gap between the two youngest.
it didn’t affect the older ones exams at all and they all really loved having a baby, they are all relatively close now (older ones have left home now).

The financial side only you can say.

Not sure why renting is a problem, we deliberately choose to rent and spend on good holidays and memories

We bought a house and had lots of holidays with DC. Memories just happen, don't they?

I woukd go for it. I had my second child in less than ideal circumstances.

@ElvesDoNotWalkintheDarkEarth It's really not as simple as just buying your own home unfortunately. My husband and I are long-term renters (over a decade now) despite both working; we met later in life and neither set of parents could offer the financial help that younger people are often fortunate enough to receive. Our wages are not high.
It also isn't a simple as saving up for a deposit of course as private rentals are expensive!
When I met my now husband he had no bio children and I had two, but only 50/50. The considerable amount of childfree time was one neither of us had ever wanted, and we were blessed with our own little girl. My eldest is now at uni so she has his room (which he was happy with) and we converted the study into another room/snug. My middle son (16) has his own room as he always has.
What will happen when we are older? Well, there will be inheritance from both sets of parents (in their 70s and 80s now) which will hopefully allow us onto the housing ladder finally. We won't need a big place bt any stretch as God willing by this point my sons will be adults and off doing their own thing.
So I disagree that renting always stops you from having another child.

Mumsnet has such a fixed idea of what the sibling relationship should look like and the ideal age gap to achieve that. I have much younger half siblings who were born when I was around the age your DC’s are (and the biggest gap is even wider than what you propose). We’ve still got great bonds and our relationships are pretty good and actually better than the ones I have with my siblings closer in age.

As kids we obviously weren’t joined at the hip but I remember doing their bedtime stories, building forts for them to play in, watching movies on the sofa, and helping them out with crafts or whatever. Yes I did a bit of babysitting in my later teens but it certainly didn’t ruin my teenage years to be given some money for a take away and told I could have a mate round to help once in a blue moon. And now we’re all grown adults but at different stages they’re hugely engaged aunts and uncles with the energy to run around after my kids and willing house sitters if we go away so it paid off. We manage to have a lot of fun together meeting up to socialise separately to our parents despite over a decade in age gap.

No guarantee your kids would be like this but having been there myself I don't recognise the picture some PPs are painting where your current children will only suffer if you bring new siblings into their life at this point.

But you wouldn’t regret making a selfish decision that would change the course of your older children’s lives?
They want you helping them with their college choices, doing age appropriate activities with them and having nice holidays and days out. Not changing nappies, pushing a pram and being attentive to nap times and tantrums.

All that plus not getting on the property ladder. Madness.

You do realise you can do all of that and have a young child right? You can still have nice holidays and days out, help with college choices and do age appropriate actives.just because you have a young child doesn’t mean all that stops. The fact people seem to think having a younger child means that all ends is stupid and shows what they are actually like

what’s madness is the clearly hatred people have on here towards those with large age gaps.

Teens, toddler and menopause what could go wrong!

Concentrate on the DC you have. What are your long term plans? Can you afford potential uni costs?

I know what you mean. But seeing how much my teen and tween have struggled with the noise and chaos of a baby then toddler sibling I would struggle to recommend that age gap.

I wouldn't as it will take you further away from ever owning a home. The huge age gap would also put me off.

My opinion is that children are a blessing. I think beyond the disruption to elder siblings’ exam outcomes etc. You want to welcome a baby into your life and it would be loved. What is the problem??? A child is expensive but if you are prepared for more expenses…. Go for it.

Like others have said it’s not so much the renting but the stage/ages of your other children.
I have 7 year age gap between youngest and eldest and they sometimes struggle with each other.
I had my last at 36 and whilst the pregnancy was fairly easy and recovery went well I can definitely feel the difference in energy levels from having one at 29 to 36.
My smallie is a ray of sunshine and has made our family complete but when I could have been getting back to a more balanced lifestyle with children not needing quite as much input I’m still in the trenches of childcare etc
Personally I wouldn’t start trying again at 37, if I hadn’t conceived the year that we had we were stopping at 2.

I had two babies in my thirties, while renting. They are in their late teens now and I’m still renting. I’ve done it alone for over a decade. No savings. I’d say you are in a very fortunate financial position. Go for it.

Sounds like your just aware that your biological clock is ticking. Do you really want another baby and all it entails or do you just like the idea of another baby?

You wouldn’t have to necessarily. There’s every chance that a few years down the line you might be relieved that you didn’t.

I can think of multiple things that teens enjoy doing that would be entirely railroaded by the presence of a toddler.
Why subject them to a life of compromise when you don’t need to?

That would probably be hard to deal with but as the mum of older dd’s I remember their teens were at times really really hard, I had to be there for there in a way I hadn’t expected, it was all consuming. Hormones bring along a lot of tensions/arguments etc. With a new baby you’d most likely find it all harder. My two also needed financial help for university which has been expensive. We are lucky to enjoy lovely holidays but like a pp said that becomes more expensive and with your older kids it would be tricky to find activities different ages would enjoy. There is 6 years between my sister and I and we are not close at all, my parents were great overall but they definitely lost interest as my sister was growing up. They’d already done it with my brother and I. I’d think if you have two great kids already focus on them, give them the best of everything.

Will the teens need to make space for additional child? Holidays etc will become more expensive. Will you need new car?

If you and your husband want another baby you should have one. Nothing to do with the rest of us, but if you are good parents, we will all benefit from having another well adjusted young person in the country.