AIBU to consider another baby while still renting in our thirties?

[Singalonng]

I have a 13 year old and 10 year old. We are currently renting at a reduced rate through family. I am 37 years old.

I desperately would like to try for another baby. I have wanted to for years, but various life events have prevented it sooner. My husband is keen but also hesitant. The reason for this is that we don’t own a home. We have £25000 in savings, which we have saved up over the last few years. I have been working for 1 year in a career role that has progression opportunities. My husband earns about £50k, but we live in a very expensive part of the country.

I know the age gap is big, but would we be crazy to have another?

YABU - don’t do it
YANBU - go for it

I suspect that teens in this situation will often. get left to fend for themselves when a new baby arrives. Mine definitely would have as I had cluster feeders that hated being put down. This is probably ok for most teens at the individuating stage if they are low need but you can't guarantee that.

My friend has a 14 year old, a 13 year old and a 3 year old. Like you she was approaching 40 and her biological clock just took over her brain and she was desperate for another child. Now she is 42 and, although she loves her 3 year old, she is really sad what it has done to her family. There are pretty much no holidays or activities that works for a teen and a toddler so the family is split up most weekends and during the summer. The older kids don't like having their friends over anymore because the toddler is noisy and cries if he doesn't get to be with them. My friend is stretched so thin with all the worrying that comes with having teens, and the sleepless nights with the toddler + all the nursery bugs they pick up all the time.

Me and her other friends all have teens or young adult kids and we used to all do things together, like dinners, cinema or bowling etc., that is really difficult to do with a lone toddler as well so they now have to say no to a lot of the social life they used to have as none of us wants to do soft play or go to the cinema to watch Peppa Pig.

Will you be going back to work after baby, if you have just started new career role? How much maternity leave will you take, share with partner? Will you both be spreading yourselves too thin with 3 DC?

I didn't say it was simple as just buying your own home. That is not an assumption I would make. I said that secure housing is an important factor in family planning decisions.

The OP is in a position to buy and therefore needs to chose carefully. Another child could derail her emerging career and dig into the family finances. She needs to decide if that's what she wants and what the long term impact could be on her existing children.

The teens may also feel resentful when they are inevitably called up to help with childcare, particularly if OP plans to return to work.

My Dsis is now in her fifties and still brings up the times she had to spend babysitting me when she could have been out with her friends.

@Eastie77Returns I returned to work after our baby turned one. My 12 and 14 yo sons were never asked to help with childcare; why would they be? That was of course the responsibility of myself and my husband to sort, just in the same way as it would have been with any child.

Sadly that’s the bullshit people who have an issue with large age gaps come out with. Oh there’s more than x amount of years between your kids oh you’ll use them as childcare. They can’t understand how someone might want a bigger age gap and actually parent themselves and assume it’s because people want ready made childcare

Older children often end up looking after their younger siblings. Are you saying this never happens?

Please please don't ask on here, listen to your gut feeling only

@Eastie77Returns I can only comment of course for my own family. My 19.and 16 year-olds have never been used as chidcare for our 6 yo. That's the responsibility of myself and my husband.
They are absolutely fantastic brothers to her though!

It's a very personal decision, OP.

I have 15,13,12 and 3 year olds.

They ADORE their younger sister - and likewise, she adores them all. We have no regrets.

Yes, it is tiring. Yes, they are at different phases. But actually, I think it has been good for the older ones, learning what it's like to be around a young child, how patient they need to be, etc. We don't ask them to 'parent' her though.

We're all going on holiday together next week and I can think of plenty of things we can all do. You also have to remember that teens want their own friends and to do their own thing a bit, they don't hang out with their parents constantly anyway.

That's the thing with kids isn't it, you can only make your decisions at the time, with the info you have. I wish you luck either way.