AIBU to feel uneasy about my partner's inheritance plan?

[Itisallgoingtobeok]

My partner and I are planning on moving in together. We will each sell our separate properties and buy one together 50/50. He is a widow with 2 DC in their mid twenties. I don't have children.

We are starting to talk about how we would set up finances, and one issue that has come up is that if he dies first he wants his half of the house to pass to his children in trust, whilst I remain able to live in the property until I sell or die. They would then inherit their Dad's half when I die, or get their half if I sell. My half is for me to decide who inherits. FWIW, I would leave my half of the house to him.

This doesn't sit well with me. If he dies first, then half of my home is owned by others. I get on well with them, but I have no idea if they would want to maintain a relationship with me after their Dad's death.

Part of me completely understands why he wants to leave his children his share, but it leaves me in a really tricky position. I really don't like the idea of this at all. AIBU? What have others done in this position? I can't be the first person to have this problem!

If you are both financially well off could he also put in an option that you may buy the other half out after his death and pay the DC. This could even be done through an insurance policy maybe. That way everything gets settled quickly and you don't have to worry about interference from docs in future.

It sounds very one sided. I really would think very carefully about this relationship as this man sees himself as a father before a life partner and this is not going to change. He's not wrong, but just wrong for you. He would benefit from your will, but there is absolutely nothing but stress for you from his.

This set up is fairly normal in blended families - our wills are set up this way

If I die first my spouse can remain in the home and vice versa
I don't know why you think his children will have a day in the home. It would remain your home for your lifetime. He is just protecting his share so that after your days the inheritance of his share passes to his children.
They won't have a day in day to day running of the home. You can decorate, have people over / move in etc
I mean you couldn't bulldose or knock down retaining walls without proper structural changes the house to ruin their eventual inheritance because this would be seen as deliberate damage

Sorry OP, but by leaving everything he owns and nothing to you is showing you he does not consider you a main character in his life. He should maybe leave half to you or equal shares between you and his dcs especially considering they have already had money off him and you are leaving everything to him.

I think you're definitely thinking about things the right way OP, you'd be mad to give up your independence and your own home to then be at the mercy of other peoples demands. It could be an absolute nightmare situation and without family of your own to advocate for you and support you it could be hell. It's just too much of a risk,

How will the children even know what needs to be done in the house anyway. Are they allowed to come in for regular inspections. No way would this be happening to me as living privately is one of the advantages of owning.

So if they own half and have agency over the property should this mean they should also pay half expenses such as council tax?

Of course he should be a father before a life partner!

Leaving OP the house would be effectively disinheriting his kids. Not a nice thing to do.

OP does say she is financially well off so this could be possible. There also may be a life insurance policy available for this purpose.

Although this does sound tricky, OP. I hope you both come to a compromise.

That's crazy. His money should go to his children on his death, not to you.

We have this in our will with the same set up for our children. It prevents the surviving parent leaving property to a subsequent partner. I completely think your partner is doing the right thing.

What he has suggested is the normal way of doing things, though the wording needs to be carefully phrased so that you are comfortable. Especially as the children are his not yours together.

I would get legal advice together on this so that you are both in agreement. If you make a will together for example, a solicitor will explain how the wording could be phrased so that the children's eventual inheritance is protected, but also your right to stay in the house and do what you want to it within reason, is also protected.

This can be worked out, I'm sure. Just get legal advice to talk it all through.

So do we. I think the complicating factor in OPs case is she is not the children's mother and seems to fear they could object to her making changes to the house if she wants to. It's a bit more complicated with stepchildren I think but the general principle is the same.

My parent is in the position now, living in a house which effectively they only own 50% of after their spouse died.

It's perfectly reasonable if a married couple have kids independent of each other.

I've never thought of the property maintenance angle before to be honest, and I don't think my step siblings have. We might now have to discuss that.

What probably would have been useful would be for my parent to have sold the house straight away , given my step siblings their 50% and move on, or buy them out.

They probably didn't want to move house, especially as just bereaved. But may not want to move at all and legally, it is their right to stay there until they die.

Always remember that the other spouse wanted that for them. That they could live in the house for the rest of their lives if they wanted to.

Yes, that is a very unfair summation of your posts, @Itisallgoingtobeok

It sounds like you’ve been a bit blindsided by your DP. You sound very reasonable and understanding of your DP’s need to look after his DC. Whereas, you have no-one to look out for your interests, except yourself.

Get thee to a solicitor to find out the options available to you. Don’t use the same solicitor as your DP’s. That would be a conflict all round.

Good luck ! I hope the two of you can work it out.

Seems completely normal to me - am in a similar situation except that both of us only have a 5 year interest in the other one’s half of the house, so lifetime seems generous to me. I’ve also got friends who have been the adult children in this scenario and I’m pleased that some fathers do protect the interests of their children.

If his children make decisions on the house difficult, you can easily solve the problem after his death by selling the house, paying off his children and moving to somewhere that suits you as a single person.

This also happened in my extended family. My uncle remarried and him and his new wife bought a house together and each left half in trust to their respective children with lifetime residency for the surviving spouse.Everyone agreed to this at the time and still do, it was and is the right thing to do. However, he died over twenty years ago now and his wife is still living in the house as a spritely ninety plus year old. She is loved by everyone and my uncle's children still visit her but my uncle's children still havent had their inheritance even though their dad is long dead. They are in their early sixties themselves now.

Maintained is not the same as the children dictating which kitchen and acting as landlords which is my point. However if they are going to behave like this perhaps they can cough up half the money. What if OP doesn’t have the money or is too old to fix something?

Honestly this place baffles me. Half of mumsnet bangs on about how you don’t get a say in what you inherit and then posts like this say it like we should feel sorry for them for not inheriting yet. There Dad made a choice, this what he wanted.

My uncle's children do agree with it, he did the right and honourable thing to protect his wife. My point is they would have inherited over twenty years ago. They are fortunate not to need money and we all know inheritance isnt a right but a gift.

If you can't agree on this basic issue, don't move in together - unless you want arguments and law suits to plague your older years.

How does it baffle you that Mumsnet is made up of thousands of people with lots of different opinions?

Not rtwt but what about a clause where he leaves you 1% of his share, so you own the majority and therefore have control. If the house needed major work after her died, the money you spend is financed in some way? A solicitor should be able to advise.