AIBU to feel uneasy about my partner's inheritance plan?

[Itisallgoingtobeok]

My partner and I are planning on moving in together. We will each sell our separate properties and buy one together 50/50. He is a widow with 2 DC in their mid twenties. I don't have children.

We are starting to talk about how we would set up finances, and one issue that has come up is that if he dies first he wants his half of the house to pass to his children in trust, whilst I remain able to live in the property until I sell or die. They would then inherit their Dad's half when I die, or get their half if I sell. My half is for me to decide who inherits. FWIW, I would leave my half of the house to him.

This doesn't sit well with me. If he dies first, then half of my home is owned by others. I get on well with them, but I have no idea if they would want to maintain a relationship with me after their Dad's death.

Part of me completely understands why he wants to leave his children his share, but it leaves me in a really tricky position. I really don't like the idea of this at all. AIBU? What have others done in this position? I can't be the first person to have this problem!

My dad did this with his new wife and he has since died. She gets to live in the house till death. She is also entitled to sell it but his 50% that is in trust to me and my sibling has to carry over to the next house. We have no say in what she bought when she sold it. She has to maintain it. If she needs to go into a home they cannot claim the finances from our 50%. The house has to be sold and we get out 50% and the care home gets her 50% to pay off fees.

I think you’d be mad to agree to buying property on this basis. Unless you treat each other, legally, as spouses, with all the inheritance rights you should expect from marriage, I think you are 100% better off staying where you are.
(Maybe he can sort out his offsprings’ inheritance from his present estate here and now, and only buy with you with funds set apart from the whole, IYSWIM. )

I’d never cede my financial autonomy to a new setup weighed down by concerns about adult DCs. You'd never get any peace of mind even with him hale and hearty, but after his death, you could be treated very badly indeed. Not only by them but by sneaky will updates too.
(Hate to mention it but if he did become very ill, would you be the live-in nurse? Were you the patient instead, who would take on the nursing duties?
Beware being taken for a ride in this whole family scene, only to turn around and find yourself under orders to sell up and clear out in your grief)

If you absolutely have to live together, rent a place while renting out your present houses.
That’s as far as I’d go, unless marrying is a possibility, protecting your interests that way, with no talk of half shares being carved off for offspring.
He has a large estate, you say. Let the DCs derive a share from that, but you and he would do well to have mirror wills, and you should be the no question of your selling the house, or passing it on to the DCs in his or your own will. It should be yours.

I’d never buy a property in which my rights and interest were curtailed in the way your DP is proposing.

Normal these days even with married couples. Why shouldnt his children inherit. He is just protecting his kids inheritance. If you had kids youd do the same. You dont want to be the wicked stepmother do you?

Yeah, agree.

And even if he wasn't looking for a shaggable nurse with a purse, I'd NEVER agree to a situation where I might end up elderly and me and my home are vulnerable to legal bullying by adult DCs of deceased husband.

I've seen how people behave about money when someone dies, it is simply GHASTLY.

Having to give them their share on sale would also stop you from downsizing/getting a bungalow. DP is being completely unreasonable. Would be fine for you to have an ordinary life interest.

This is the bit that needs changing. They should retain a 50% share but no say over anything that isn't structural

You can't take an old woman with dementia to court because she can't maintain her house though can you? So it's completely pointless if OP gets to a position that she CANT. Just the idea that you would WANT your children to take your elderly, ill, wife to court to force her to spend money she hasn't got organising repairs she isn't able to organise. Or to threaten her with losing her home. Would make you abit of a cunt wouldn't it?

My will is set up with a RTR and trust. One of the conditions is that the home is maintained. Of course the other trustees will have an interest in protecting their inheritance. That fence is on a lean but the occupier doesn't care right now? They might. Roof needs painting but occupier wants to wait? They might think it needs doing now. So, yes, I have this situation and have had full legal advice on it.

Agree.

It's her home but it's also their house in part. In the same way when you rent, it's your home but the landlords house. I wouldn't enter into this kind of arrangement as proposed to OP myself.

In the same way, the daughters should also be liable for a 50% share of insurances, rates, maintenance. Which is another headache if they don't reliably pay up and you have to chase it.

If you aren’t happy that your partner would leave his assets in this case, his half of a jointly owned property, then you have a problem here

you have options

• don’t do it
• move to his house and rent yours out keeping your own security

Think how you would feel if you had children.

if you died would your half go to him and ultimately his kids?

sounds like you should be having some proper conversations around this but if you get to live in the house until you die or choose to sell it (like a Tennants in common arrangement) I can’t actually see how or why this would be a problem and if you have a big bill like a new roof if they own half they are potentially liable to chip in but all this needs documenting.

On those conditions, I would not be moving in together - it's a deal breaker.

But people are cunts.

That should have been written to say that it was only for that one house.

Why is that? She or her estate will benefit when she sells or dies as house value will have gone up?

They should have to pay 50% of anything structural needed as repair /maintenance.

That is the norm when somebody remarries. They want to ensure half the house eventually goes to their children.

This is a reasonable point.

Yep. It's definitely unfair.

I think you're justified in being worried about the matter of maintenance, changes, renovations etc, specifically.

Leaving his half to his DC is fair & avoids the risk of you disinheriting his DC.

But you need to get some good legal advice about the house maintenance, upkeep, renovations etc. I'd be starting from the principle that if his DC can "demand" things re the house, they must pay half. You could compromise by saying you would pay the full amount of all running costs eg utilities & council tax.

I hope you're seeing a solicitor. It would be a pity if an otherwise fair & amicable situation runs aground on this point about maintenance etc.

I fail to understand how a will can impose obligations on anyone unless linked to being a beneficiary. Surely his will can no more say you have to upgrade the bathroom on someone else’s say so, than your will could dictate to him to sponsor a snail at the local zoo?

One possible option is that you pay for a life insurance policy that pays out on his death and gives you sufficient cash to buy out his kids interest. Or would allow you to sell up and purchase a new place and pay them out.

Yes, because her being solely responsible will be easier if she owns it all, compared to if she owns half. The exact same cost will magically be harder one way compared to the other.

And how can that be enforced then?

Will you have a mortgage? How old are you and dp? He should only really be leaving his equity in the house to his DC so if you have a mortgage he will need life insurance to make sure his half is paid off.
Then there's renovations. What if you have to update bathrooms/kitchens? Will dcs pay half or will the updates add equity to your half?
Are you planning on getting married? I'm old-fashioned and believe in joint assets completely when married or you may as well just share space.
Are you equal in other ways financially? You say he has already given out money to dcs. Has that depleted his contribution to the marriage financially in any way?
I get why he is doing this as it is quite common now, especially in senior couples but not sure it really works so great in younger or middle aged couples.