AIBU to feel uneasy about my partner's inheritance plan?

[Itisallgoingtobeok]

My partner and I are planning on moving in together. We will each sell our separate properties and buy one together 50/50. He is a widow with 2 DC in their mid twenties. I don't have children.

We are starting to talk about how we would set up finances, and one issue that has come up is that if he dies first he wants his half of the house to pass to his children in trust, whilst I remain able to live in the property until I sell or die. They would then inherit their Dad's half when I die, or get their half if I sell. My half is for me to decide who inherits. FWIW, I would leave my half of the house to him.

This doesn't sit well with me. If he dies first, then half of my home is owned by others. I get on well with them, but I have no idea if they would want to maintain a relationship with me after their Dad's death.

Part of me completely understands why he wants to leave his children his share, but it leaves me in a really tricky position. I really don't like the idea of this at all. AIBU? What have others done in this position? I can't be the first person to have this problem!

Exactly! I’m so glad a few of us are acknowledging this! I feel like I’m going mad reading some of these posts saying this is absolutely normal and OP is unreasonable. Saying that the children should have any control over a home that she has a lifetime interest in is definitely NOT normal.

You've asked this before.

I personally think he's being fair.

So you sell it, pay the kids out and buy a smaller house for just you

I completely agree. Why would you marry someone or live with them long term if you didn’t want them to get anything when you died? Just stay single. Marriage for women at least means performing a load of unpaid labour, especially in older age (women tend to live longer and often are in better health). I know we don’t value that financially but I think leaving your spouse your half of the house isn’t asking too much really, especially if you have a decent rest of the estate and your kids will be well provided for.

If I was going to marry I would want my spouse and my kids to inherit. But I think it is fairly common for people on here to marry or be in relationships with people that they actually don’t like very much or who just serve a purpose such as sex or companionship.

If I was the OP, I wouldn’t entertain such nonsense.

I've been the recipient of a similar bequest. The person I was inheriting from was a relative but not a parent. The inheritance was also shared with my siblings. We didn't have any say in what the life tenants did to the house and it was allowed to degrade, meaning it lost value. The life tenants also tried to argue that the inheritors should contribute to maintenance costs but we didn't all have the finances to do so.

I completely agree. Why can’t others on here see the unfairness in this arrangement?

That’s certainly an alternative, except that the OP wouldn’t be able to sell it if she wanted to downsize, or perhaps go into a care home, plus she’d still have all the maintenance etc to pay for.

I think your concerns are perfectly valid OP. You have no idea how his DC will behave towards you in future.
In your situation I would want the house to be sold and the proceeds divided based on the percentage you each own. It is very important that this is documented officially by your conveyancing solicitor and records of mortgage contributions. You need to get advice on whether you should be joint tenants or tenants in common. I can never remember which way round is best for your situation, but I know it is important.
Are you really sure you want to sell up and buy a property together? Personally, in your situation I wouldn't . I would keep my own place and just enjoy weekends and holidays together. Much easier.

This is 100% normal and expected when it comes to step families. I work in this area and very very rarely do spouses leave their share to their “new” wife/husband. Usually always a life interest to protect their children’s inheritance. For all he knows, you could leave the entire property to the cats’ home and his children miss out on receiving anything from their father’s estate.

It makes no difference to you while you’re alive - they can’t force you out or to sell. You can usually move house as well, unless he is going to stipulate different terms.

I think that nobody on here can put themselves in the position other than being the adult children. It’s probably an age thing, with most people being younger. Also most on here are parents and aren’t positively inclined to second wives or the possibility of their own children not inheriting. So people can’t fathom that being married or cohabiting with someone should entitle them to something because that would mean that the adult children wouldn’t get their full inheritance.

No it’s not and you need to ask your partner why would he want to put you in the position which could leave you financially vulnerable. By all means he should leave his half to his children but that shouldn’t mean they could make you pay for all or any alterations they want you to do.

FFS, this is entirely NORMAL.

Best solution

OP, it’s normal to have to pay for all upkeep, insurance etc under a LIT. The children will have a vested interest.

If it’s normal it’s wrong. In OP’s case it should state that the children pay half the maintenance and renovations as they’re the ones who will also benefit from them

Please go and speak to a solicitor who will put your mind at rest. They won’t be able to demand you build extensions etc, it will be to keep the property in a reasonable state of repair and maintenance and to make sure it’s insured.

Yes that is normal but what is not normal is the idea that the beneficiaries with a vested interest can demand upgrades to be made to the property which is what the partner wants. A property can be well maintained but have a 30 year old kitchen for instance.

That for example isn’t right.
If the house is half yours, surely you should have a say?
And if the house is half theirs and thry have a rigut to say what is or isn’t done on the house, they should pay half too?

With that arrangement you have the worst of both worlds. What if the decide that some extremely expensive work needs to be done and you’re the only one to pay?

As an adult I can perfectly understand you not wishing to be dictated to about your home if he was gone.

I think he is a bit of a CF and disrespectful of you to think this would fly.

Pass his half on for sure, but that his children infact become a controlling owner, absolutely not.

You are extremely sensible to be wary of anyone being allowed to dictate to you as you age.

I wouldn't do it with my own children, not to mind someone else's.

Definitely legal advice required.

Which is why it is highly unlikely that this is what the paperwork actually says.

How would you feel if you could stay in the house without interference for a set periodsay 2 years. Then you sell up get your own place and they get their money.

I think his arrangements are very clear, open and entirely proper. If you are concerned over costs or maintenance, it would be a very small change to ensure that following his death, all costs would be split between you and the children. The challenge with this is that then gives them ongoing involvement in any maintenance or decorating schemes. Would you be happy with this? You could also have the house sold and assets distributed within 12 months. From experience, depending on your age at the time of DP's death, this might be very disruptive indeed.

I do not think it would be at all fair to his children that you finished up with the entire house on his death.

But your interests ARE protected. You can stay in the house until death or you want to sell. Your half of the house is totally protected. They cant make you leave.

Then it needs to be clearly set out what is to happen!

OP did you tell your partner that you are unhappy with the fact that you are expected to pay for maintenance etc.? If so, what did he say?