AIBU to feel uneasy about my partner's inheritance plan?

[Itisallgoingtobeok]

My partner and I are planning on moving in together. We will each sell our separate properties and buy one together 50/50. He is a widow with 2 DC in their mid twenties. I don't have children.

We are starting to talk about how we would set up finances, and one issue that has come up is that if he dies first he wants his half of the house to pass to his children in trust, whilst I remain able to live in the property until I sell or die. They would then inherit their Dad's half when I die, or get their half if I sell. My half is for me to decide who inherits. FWIW, I would leave my half of the house to him.

This doesn't sit well with me. If he dies first, then half of my home is owned by others. I get on well with them, but I have no idea if they would want to maintain a relationship with me after their Dad's death.

Part of me completely understands why he wants to leave his children his share, but it leaves me in a really tricky position. I really don't like the idea of this at all. AIBU? What have others done in this position? I can't be the first person to have this problem!

But if she wants to cut ties which seems to be the biggest issue, that's the way to do it. He dies you sell up , give them his share and move on in a place that's sole ownership

The issue is that she could be 80 with limited mobility and not in a position to sell up and move easily.

Then she doesn't.

It is normal but not without issues you should address now.

Who pays for maintenance if they own half the house?

How long could they potentially wait for their inheritance, a long wait may lead to resentment.

Gat some good practical advice and speak to his children too

It sounds perfectly reasonable to me. It’s the normal arrangement in such circumstances, in my experience. You’d just need to make sure that it’s clear what would happen if structural repairs or big redecoration/maintenance to the house were needed: would the children have to contribute?

He is doing the right thing by his children.

if you’re not comfortable, you shouldn’t buy together.

I’ve got a trust will with my husband for precisely this reason.. so my children are looked after and someone else can’t come along and claim what is theirs.

I get that, but you can't have your cake and eat it. If she wants the luxury of benefitting from the bigger/nicer property that her partner's equity brings to the table then the compromise is that she needs to accommodate it not being permanent - either to relinquish his share when the time comes, or cope with his children having an involvement.

Op seems to be wanting her partner to write his children out of his will and leave everything to her. I'm pretty sure if someone posted on here in her partner's situation they'd be strongly advised not to write their children out of the will. The only way to be sure the children will inherit is to leave it to them in your will, not rely on a new partner to do it later on.

He’s being sensible and this is a very usual set up.

The irony being that this could very well happen if the children marry someone they later divorce. At least if you’re going to cut your spouse out of your will, make sure that you make proper provision that the inheritance goes to your children and their descendants only and insist they sign prenups.

Nope, do not accept this.

I get your concerns OP. It's right his DC inheritance is protected but not at the cost of having controls over your home or possibly causing you to feel it's no longer your home if DH passed.

Someone said up thread along the lines of no one knows how people will deal with money after someone dies and this jumped out at me because in recent years I've seen two former friends behave like vultures following family bereavements. Folk can be very unpredictable when it comes to inheritance and entitlement.

OP- couldn’t you go halves with maintenance and upgrades. It seems unfair for you to pay it all , and they inherit it when you die without having contributed

She doesn’t, she explained very clearly that he’s writing it so they get a say in maintenance and works and get to demand she does things they think she needs, while she bears all the costs of the works. Thats not a tenable position. Held in trust for her life, with the op responsible for upkeep, and the dc get no say in the upkeep until it’s theirs.

But why should she pay all the maintenance if the children own half of it?

Well he certainly cannot cut his children out of inheritance just because he has a new partner. That wouldn't be fair.
If you did have children, would you still leave the house to him?

I highly doubt it is written as described as that would be unusual.

But there is nothing stopping the Op from getting some individual legal advice.

Think of it as rent for the half she doesn't own

Equally, her partner can’t have his cake and eat it. The OP sounds financially sorted so my advice would be to avoid marriage and cohabitation with this man.
It sounds like it’s the partner who wants to get married rather than the OP. I bet he’d also happily take her share if she died first. I note that he hasn’t insisted that she should leave it to someone else or to charity (which I would do if I wasn’t planning on benefiting someone).

I would never go into that situation either, OP. You are in your 50s, independent and secure. Absolutely don't give up your security. The other options suggested sound so much better - better for his children, too.

No it’s unfair, the children should pay half for their future inheritance. Why should OP have to go to the expense of eg changing the kitchen, allowing them to have a say in it , and they benefit later without paying a penny!

Well you think that, as do l. But I wouldn't want to be having that discussion with someone who was looking to maximise what they could sell my house for if I were elderly and still living in it.

As his wife died i can see why he is so keen to protect his children's inheritance. He is also protecting his late wife's money that she would want to go to her children.

My parents are divorced and i don't expect to inherit anything, it will go to step siblings either side.

I have a daughter and one of my fears is if I die and my husband remarries to a woman who is cruel to her, and then all my money goes to his new wife and her children.

I think best would be to live together and rent out another property nearby.

The tone of your posts reads that you’re not very close to the children, or don’t like them? Which, if true, should give you pause on putting all your financial security in with your DP. Why not just keep your own houses and visit each other?

A friend of mine did precisely this. When she met her partner they both had two adult children and owned their own homes about a 40 minute drive away from each other. He was reluctant to move as he was living in the long-term family home, but she had been considering a move anyway and bought a house a 10 minute walk away. They split her relocation costs between them and spent a lot of time at each other's houses, but she relished having her own place which she could furnish and decorate to her own taste and where she could entertain her family and friends, while he did similar.

When he sadly died, she decided to sell up and move to a different area to be closer to her family. His kids sold his house divided the proceeds between themselves. My friend said she was be very grateful that she had the space to grieve without feeling pressured to make any immediate decisions and also because she didn't need to consider anyone else's needs or timescales. His children were obviously happy that they could inherit immediately and thus everyone was happy with the ultimate outcome. Could this be a good solution for you OP?
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But the children didn’t ask for the inheritance, why should they pay for - e.g. an expensive new kitchen of OP’s choice - that they may not want or ever use?