AIBU to feel uneasy about my partner's inheritance plan?

[Itisallgoingtobeok]

My partner and I are planning on moving in together. We will each sell our separate properties and buy one together 50/50. He is a widow with 2 DC in their mid twenties. I don't have children.

We are starting to talk about how we would set up finances, and one issue that has come up is that if he dies first he wants his half of the house to pass to his children in trust, whilst I remain able to live in the property until I sell or die. They would then inherit their Dad's half when I die, or get their half if I sell. My half is for me to decide who inherits. FWIW, I would leave my half of the house to him.

This doesn't sit well with me. If he dies first, then half of my home is owned by others. I get on well with them, but I have no idea if they would want to maintain a relationship with me after their Dad's death.

Part of me completely understands why he wants to leave his children his share, but it leaves me in a really tricky position. I really don't like the idea of this at all. AIBU? What have others done in this position? I can't be the first person to have this problem!

Do you think he means to keep it to a good standard so the value doesn't decrease if you
dont have the capacity to get things repaired. You can live at home for a long time with Dementia and not realise its become a hovel and so they've lost their inheritance

I agree with OP that this proposal could lead to friction later on, as well as forcing the DC to wait longer for their inheritance from their father, if he dies first. As OP has other assets, she could consider buying the shared home solely in her name, keeping DP's assets sufficiently liquid to transfer to DC immediately on his death.

This is technically disadvantageous to OP in that it increases her exposure to the vagaries of the housing market, and reduces her realisable income (assuming she doesn't charge him rent, which I wouldn't). But as she is clearly happy for all, or a substantial portion, of the assets of the partnership to go to the DC eventually anyway, this probably doesn't matter.

They should take advice about IHT, care funding, and the pros and cons of marriage.

@Itisallgoingtobeok I don't think that it's been asked, but do you have hoarding tendencies? Did you allow your house/garden to fall into disrepair, even though you could have afforded the upkeep? Are you happy to live with shabby decoration?
I'd consider him making provision, money wise so you can have any work done. Structurally speaking, it should be written that you'll keep it to a reasonable standard. The rest should be up to you, as long as you aren't doing anything that will cause damp etc.

Its not an ideal state of affairs for you. But I can fully understand he doesn't want to disinherit his children. Your only options really are to keep both your current homes, or plan that should be predecease you, you will sell up straight away to release his children's share.
I agree with you that arrangements giving you life time residence and only half ownership tend to be fraught with issues. From disagreement about property upkeep, to pressure to sell from beneficiaries, to clauses about who may live in the property. There's often little way around including such things as from the other side, the resident could allow the property to devalue.

So if he dies before you, you sell and give them their share and then buy a home on your own.

It's what we've done - DH has children from his first marriage. I think it's fair and means I can't disinherit his kids (not that I would).

But his children wouldn't actually get any say in how I maintain the house.

Tbh I'd probably downsize if I was alone though, or try to buy his children out so they got their inheritance sooner.

Or buy them out with your other assets. It's a lot to go through while grieving, though.

I would not move in together with this setup in place if he dies before you.

I think there's so much possibility of it going south with having his kids as half owners having to wait for their part of the house until you move or die. I think there's a possibility of financial abuse, especially given this bit here

My worry is that the way he wants it set up is that they have a say in what I do to the property, I’m expected to pay for all upkeep and maintenance, which they can veto, or demand more if they want. I won’t have control over my own home.

They should be paying some for upkeep if it's half theirs. What if you want to make an improvement and they refuse. What if they don't pay for upkeep? And I could see them being resistant to paying upkeep on a property they can't live in. What if they want an improvement and you don't?

I think the viable option if you really want to live together would be you agree to sell within a certain fairly short time frame after he passes to release that part of his kids' inheiritance. But, that's going to be hard when you've lost your partner. It's two of the worst life stressors one on top of the other and that needs to be taken into account too.

My suggested solution is to limit the children's interest in the house to a purely financial one. If your DP dies first then you get the house valued at that point. They then become entitled to half that value, but it's only payable at the point you die or sell the house. The amount is subject to indexation in the time you then remain in the house. You then bear the risk of not maintaining the house or the reward of making improvements.

E.g. house is valued at 500k at the date of death. At that point the children become entitled to £250k. You stay in the house for another 5 years before selling. In that time a house that was worth 500k 5 years ago is now worth £600k just through general movements in the housing market. At the point you sell, the children are now entitled to receive £300k of the proceds. If in those 5 years you've made lots of improvements to the house such that you sell it for £700k, you get £400k and the children still get thier £300k. Conversely, if in the 5 years the house has fallen apart such that you sell for £500k, children are still entitled to their £300k but you get £200k.

OP, I am in exactly the same position as you. Where we live now is in DH's sole name but we are considering moving, in which case I would put in a substantial amount of money. In his Will, he has put in the clause which would allow me to continue living in the house, and a sum of money ring-fenced for general upkeep and maintenance. Could you perhaps get him to do that?

Of course if we buy a new property, we will have to look at Wills again, seeing as he would want to leave his share to his children, and I would want my share going to my relatives. It's tricky.

Are you also concerned, OP that the other half belonging to his DC could mean they live there too, or have access to use the house? Not sure if this is an issue, but you definitely need ultra-clear legal advice on the possible implications of whatever is decided.🍀

What is the actual wording of the will?

Because I’d be very surprised if it stated the children had a ‘controlling interest’ beyond reasonable expectations that the property to be maintained to a normal standard.

It’s a fairly common arrangement so I’d be surprised if they’ve veered in to a position whereby the Op has lost control of maintenance issues.

Agree with all of this. His unreasonable demand that his kids have a say in how OP lives after he dies is revealing.

And OP saying,

"I suspect this may be a deal breaker for him. He wants to live together and get married."

also sounds demanding to me, like he's threatening that if he doesn't get what he wants, he'll ditch OP.

OP you might have a solution via alternative wording re.the DCs' rights over the house, but a couple of alternative ideas:

• you refer to already having your own house and assets, so why not aim to buy a modest house together so that you could always afford to buy them out of their father's share and something in his will to say you had the right to do this?
• as you develop your relationship with his DCs perhaps consider mirror wills where you and your DP inherit each other's share of the house but then his DCs inherit your whole estates from each of you i.e. they wait until you have both died to inherit, the house is fully yours for your lifetime but ultimately they inherit twice what they would have inherited just from their father. The only people to lose out here are anyone else you might have left your estate to, though the DCs might be nervous about you changing your will after their father has died.
• or buy a bigger house together with half passing to his DCs but accept that any jointly bought house will only be your home for the lifetime of your relationship and expect to move if your dp were to die (as you get older you could also downsize to make buying out his DCs a possibility)

Mine and hubby have the same will arrangements... I have adult children and he has none. If I die first my half is then technically owned by my children but they have no say whatsoever in anything to do with the house until my husband either dies or sells it. They can't oppose any changes, they can't force him to sell. End of. My sister had this arrangement too and she did die first. Her husband sold the house 8 years later and the solicitor handling the sale sent her son his share of the proceeds.

Initally I thought you were being unreasonable, but having read the updates yanbu.

The situation would likely put a strain on your relationship with your step children. There are also so many scenarios in which things could go wrong.

Disagreements about maintenence. What if you wanted to move a new partner in. Would they be able to charge rent on their half? Would they be able to move in if they wanted? What if you decided to sell at a low point in the market and they weren't happy? If you became unwell and let maintence slip but didn't want to leave. Or if they pressure you to sell...

If his half of the house is held in a trust for his children but you have a lifetime interest in the whole of the property then on your death, the children gain access to the trust and your interest is willed however you want, that sounds totally normal and reasonable. The part about the children having control somehow over the home sounds a bit odd though. You have the right to live in or sell the property in your lifetime, and it’s also normal to stipulate that you keep the home in good condition etc etc.
you should probably get some legal advice to help you understand exactly what is being proposed and how enforceable some of the terms are? The trust and lifetime interest bits are all good in my books but the other parts are raising some big question marks.

Well, the other thing he could do is leave it directly to them and you have to sell when he dies to realise their inheritance.

You can then use your half to buy a new property, presumably with the remainder of the money you realise when you liquidate your current property?

I had a similar situation with a (now) ex. But he weirdly decided to leave his share to me, not his DC, which I thought was odd. I left my share to my niece and nephew.

Had he died I would absolutely have given his DC the vast majority of his estate (probably bar a bit to cover any costs etc). But I was lucky that I owned a lot more than him and would have been able to re-home myself.

Hi OP, I wouldn’t agree to this and when I married my DH I had an absolute red line about it (particularly as I’ve brought far more assets into the marriage than him).

we have mirror wills so that if one of us dies the other gets everything. At the point that we both die, half goes to his DC and I am doing other stuff with my half. That’s already generous given more of the assets were mine to begin with.

No way I would agree to anyone else owning half of my home if my DH died first. Who knows who else might come into their lives as adults and try to influence them?!

We have seen this in practice too. My FIL died, and his will allowed his partner (they weren’t married) to remain living there for as long as she wanted. My SIL - who always hated her dad’s partner and had it in for her - would not accept this when their dad died and made the life of his partner an absolute misery. She ended up walking away and now lives with her own sister. They had been together for 35 years and that house had been her home for 25.

I no longer have contact with my SIL as a result of her behaviour.

She could easily be in her 80s at that point. Having been close to my happy, fairly healthy Mum when she was bereaved mid 70s, she was not in a fit state to be moving house. Bereavement knocks you for 6. Being old can do the same. OP needs to look after her own future interests. Likely her partner isn't thinking about 80 year old OP, he's thinking about her as she is now, strong and independent, and his kids as the vulnerable parties.

Personally I wouldn't even buy a house 50/50. Joint tenants only. She doesn't want to be financially joined to someone else's kids, because it is stressful at 40, and doesn't get less stressful when she gets elderly and mired in grief.

Yeah I’ve seen some pretty disgusting behaviour from adult children, including trying to make elderly disabled people homeless. People lose their sense of decency when it comes to inheritance. I would try to avoid it like the plague. People barely care about their own parents when it comes to this sort of stuff, let alone the partner of one of their parents.

Exactly this!

But in those circumstances how are they going to take a woman with dementia to court because she can't look after herself or her home? Maybe put in that they have a shared equal to 50% of the value at the time of his death. So anything she does to the house afterwards doesn't affect them.

So you sell it when he dies take your equity and buy somewhere of your own

I'm your partner in this position and intend to do as he is suggesting (we are actually in the process of buying my ex's share of the house, now). My partner is happy with the plan, and assumed that it would be my preference. He has said that if he dies after me, he will leave everything of his to my children as he does not have his own (and we are too old to have children together).