AIBU to consider care for my autistic child to protect us?

[Myunhappyheart]

I am considering putting my child into care.

she is nearly 12. Autistic. Doesn’t go to school. NO ONE helps. I’ve been begging and pleading for help from the GP, CAMHS, police, school, children’s services for years and years.

in the last few days I’ve had been scratched so it bleeds, punched so hard it bleeds, had a bottle thrown at my face, bitten. Kicked. You name it. The language from her is disgusting.

it’s having a profound affect on both me and my other daughter.

I cannot keep doing this. There is no where left to turn now. I have done my best for both my children.

i cannot live like this any longer.

I am not that overwhelmed with it. I’m not anxious or depressed. This is a real, raw situation now. I can ruin her life and protect my other child’s.

when she hurts me i don’t feel pain anymore. I don’t react. I just use myself to protect my youngest child who is so wonderful, compassionate, successful and having her life ruined by the eldest. She deserves a life better than this.

I'm.teally sorry to hear this. There is no easy option and none of the services are joined up. Does your youngest child's school show interest from her child protection p o v?

When my son was younger I told socail care they either stepped up now or could do it as a child protection case when he hospitalised or killed his sister. That provoked nothing. So I complained to the head of children's services.

There was two options. Complete mh breakdown for me where I got removed and hospitalised ( friend has done this - was sectioned herself). Or he did hospitalise his little sister.

Unfortunately as you say you get so numb that some days I did get to the point where I was numb I couldn't have stopped him beating her to a plup or from running off and coming to harm.

I know deep in my gut that nothing I mean nothing would get him help however. I told his socail worker I had a plan to run away and she said it was a great idea!

Things are much better since he learnt to talk. We had a argument last week at his sports day and I lost him. A tiny part of me hopes that one day he does wonder off because we are always on the cusp of it. But until he does do it ( mental age of a toddler) all I get is praise for being amazing. There is the utter terror of him slipping out of view finely balanced with me wanted to scream "I told you a billion times I cant cope, I can't keep him safe". But he he is safe. So no gives a shit.

There is fine line I feel. He is alive so I'm a hero coping amazingly. Or someone dies and it's too far gone for help. The only room to meet help criteria is the split second from jumping off a bridge until the moment you hit the floor. In that tiny free fall where it's too late window is the only place you qualify for help.

It sounds like a cult member trying to recruit. The poor family. Let her sibling grow up in a safe home, it's not going to improve and someone will end up getting really hurt if it continues. I feel so sad for them, nobody should live life like this. The adults have a choice. The sibling doesn't.

Having been in the same situation (my violent son is now in their mid 30s) I would strongly advise you to do something now. I managed through their childhood because of the break when they were at school. I see your child does not attend school so you are experiencing that now too. So hard for how. However at 18, or sometimes 21, that when school stops for most young people, and indeed any childhood services are no more, and you realise you have to care for them 24/7 without any break at all. In my opinion once they reach adulthood you are totally alone - and if there is some help or support, or respite needs, it has to be paid for. However, I am now a foster carer looking after teenagers with complex needs and due to being in care, and afterwards as a care leaver, there is much more support than can be accessed. Certainly to age 25 and beyond. A child who has not been in care and very very few services available. I wish you luck as I know how hard it is.

I don't agree - this sounds like a poster with actual relevant experience and the links mentioned are to are helpful organisations that know their stuff.

It is pointless discussing care. The bar is much, much higher and processes much, much slower than most people realise.

Apologies I didn’t mean to be doing anything wrong - but use AI to write up my thoughts - mother of AuDHD PDA’er here and autistic husband so I’ve been through a lots - often I talk into AI and get it to write up what I’ve said.

You know what, reading this is amazing. You are amazing. You are not failing anyone if you are doing this. You are whistleblowing and that's so brave. Please remember this on dark days. You WILL help someone out there as well as yourself just by bringing awareness to the issue.

The system is catastrophically failing so many kids.

I hope you find the support you need soon. Be kind to yourself on that journey.

In my LA depending on the needs of the young adult there are SEN colleges that have students up to 25
My son is 16 now and been going to a special school since he was in reception his special school caters for children with severe and profiund learning disabillties
Hes just left year 11
And will be going to the " sixth form" in setember where he will stay for three years
They call it a sixth form because of the ages of the students but they will be learning life skills
Ftom 19 he will attend one of the SEN colleges untill hes 25.

Your last paragraph, I think this is key. NHS is so anti medication because of STOMP guidelines and getting a pat on the back for not medicating. Medication is last resort, but people can't even access a first resort. It all seems like a strategy for saving money.

The thing is these children are suffering and just left to suffer with their symptoms with no relief. Antidepressants probably saved my life so I know how much difference that makes.

There is absolutely no excuse for not prescribing melatonin for children with circadian rhythm disorders. You can buy it in a pharmacy abroad ffs. I ended up buying mine from Biovea online until I got a prescription (still doesn't work all the time), but that carries so much risk just buying from an online retailer. It's just so stupid.

You have clearly never been in this situation.
How exactly do you get an unwilling, strong-willed, strong, aggressive child to school?

I wouldn’t spend a moment feeling guilty, OP.
You deserve, in your one and only life, not to be subject to violence and hatred every day. That’s before we even discuss the impact on your other child!
We wouldn’t think a woman should stay with a violent partner, this is the same.
It’s the luck of the draw that your daughter is like this, but I wouldn’t hesitate to have her put in care/institutionalised whatever the phrase is; better than you being driven to hit her back. Not even a saint could cope with the scenario you describe.

I hope you’re okay OP. We’re in a similar boat. DC is 13, asd, adhd, non-speaking, epilepsy and learning disabilities. We’ve been surviving at home but she’s very violent. Hits me and her siblings. Punches us, grabs my boobs, throws things. Thankfully goes to school but won’t leave the house apart from that. We’ve installed locks on DC’s siblings rooms and door closers to stop door slamming. Social worker is going to speak to her seniors about a section 20 as none of the services can help us.

It’s exhausting and depressing. I feel utterly broken. DC isn’t our first with asd and adhd. House is low demand, we all run to most of DC’s needs. We don’t have people round anymore because the behaviour is violent and unpredictable.

I have no advice but huge sympathy because it’s all utterly horrible.