AIBU to consider care for my autistic child to protect us?

[Myunhappyheart]

I am considering putting my child into care.

she is nearly 12. Autistic. Doesn’t go to school. NO ONE helps. I’ve been begging and pleading for help from the GP, CAMHS, police, school, children’s services for years and years.

in the last few days I’ve had been scratched so it bleeds, punched so hard it bleeds, had a bottle thrown at my face, bitten. Kicked. You name it. The language from her is disgusting.

it’s having a profound affect on both me and my other daughter.

I cannot keep doing this. There is no where left to turn now. I have done my best for both my children.

i cannot live like this any longer.

I am not that overwhelmed with it. I’m not anxious or depressed. This is a real, raw situation now. I can ruin her life and protect my other child’s.

when she hurts me i don’t feel pain anymore. I don’t react. I just use myself to protect my youngest child who is so wonderful, compassionate, successful and having her life ruined by the eldest. She deserves a life better than this.

@Myunhappyheart we were in your situation 10 years ago and we did exactly what this poster has recommended. Our child was placed in an excellent residential school within weeks. The transition planning was excellent - everyone worked very closely with us and we got to chose the school from a shortlist of those who had places and felt they could meet the needs.

We continue to see them regularly including spending holidays together. Their behaviour is now much better managed although there are still some violent outbursts and they seem happier and more settled. Our other children have had the space to live normal lives.

For us, this was the best decision in an awful situation. It was incredibly hard to make and we felt huge guilt at the time but the simple fact was that there was no support for families in our situation outside of the nuclear option.

Happy to DM with you if that would be helpful.

Pda... look into it. The work involved in parenting this is devastating.

OP I really feel for you and as a parent of a PDA child know how hard dealing with the violence can be. Rest assured it’s not you, it is the PDA and it’s not recognised and talked about enough in terms of the violence/language/behaviours that they can’t seem to stop and parents bear the brunt of. It may well be that residential placement is needed but in the interim, can you change anything as it’s not likely any change won’t come from your child no matter what you do. The issue is lots of “autism techniques” escalate the situation not deescalate and it’s hard to get decent advice. The only thing I have found with the violence is to move myself (and sometimes literally running) to a room put a barrier of a door between them, hold it and say “this is my safe space, I don’t want to be hurt”. For my kiddo this seems to trigger a realisation in about a minute something has gone wrong as despite being violent they are normally trying to connect with me as genuine PDA fight reactions are about anxiety and fear not actual intent to hurt you- although it certainly feels personal and targeted at the time. I have also heard things about Non-violence resistance parenting courses. Its not specifically for PDA children but parents of PDA kids say it works well for their PDA children.

Morning. Thank you all for being kind.

my feelings this morning haven’t changed. I’ll try answer some questions

she is enrolled at a school

day to day- I’m fortunate to run my own business so she is able to come with me (not last two days after a traumatic day on Tuesday in new school I’ve let her just be) and that involves being outdoors for the best part of the day surrounded by animals. she attends swimming club several times a week too, although struggling there a bit too socially.

lets see what today brings.

I found Capa First Response really helpful (and quick).

Capa are miles away :(

I have been having a similar situation and the police as been useless. Did write to MP - no response. My Dd is 14 but does attend school.
After a previous arrest a social worker was allocated however not much has been done because she is 14 it’s harder as they have a lot more say.
Would you consider a section 20? Temporary care to hopefully push for more support?
We have also been referred to local Adolescent Resource Centre for child at risk of going into care.
She is refusing assessments at the moment but psychologists have recommended a dual assessment for but it wouldn’t change the behaviour.
i can really empathise with how difficult it is for you. I have said if she attacks me one more time I’m done.
She is also under CAMHS awaiting DBT treatment.
I hope this helps

Sounds like my 8 yr old, can present as totally neurotypical, can break down completely and attpt to throw a table when overstimulated.

What I've found is I need to be incredibly calm around him and a certain amount of the madness needs to be ignored. He can't be corrected in an angry way or he feels shame very deeply a d becomes massively dysregulated and then it's w hours of calming him before you can teach him anything. We've been lucky due to his medical history to have i put from our local neuropsychological team who tell us we are doing a brilliant job and they have given significant input since he was 4 when we first realised the intense tantrums were actually autistic meltdowns.

Edited to say I forgot my point which was that in our experience changing our allroaymassiveky reduced meltdowns and helped him learn. As did getting melatonin for sleep so if she's not sleeping I'd ask for help around that which should be straightforward.

I worry so much for what the teenage years being as my very big 8 yr old can injure me now and while he's always very sorry almost immediately on the moment he doesn't haveuch control on his impulsivity and I worry so much he'll I jure me badly then have to live with that guilt.

Keeping him busy helps a lot, lots of physical outlet, on the 'little but autostic' side his neuropsycholgist said he has a lot of strong autistic traits and is only managing to cope because of our low demand lifestyle and support. Try to look at how to provide low demand, an outlet for a special interest and 1-1 co regulation.

I dunno I'm guessing we'll never sleep a full night or have a worry free day again. However I notice you've started to feel like your daughter is unhelpable and to think you need to get rid of her for the sake of your younger daughter. I've an easier second child too. We don't get to choose our kids. We get to support them and deal with them as i doviduala and I think you've lost sight of your love for your daughter in all the pain and hardship which so so easy to do. Can you ask for some counselling for yourself? Not because you're doing anything wrong but because to get to this point you must be totally burnt out and hanging by a thread and counselling helped me immensely when I wasn't coping. Which in turn helped everyone

I’m sorry op. No one gets how hard it is having a pda child unless you have one. Mine has been home learning for a couple of years and has calmed down a lot. We tried social services, CAHMS, Early help, various private providers and have an EHCP. The only thing that helped was removing her from school.

There seems to be no help , no “handbook “ on what to do

people had this notion of on inclusive society but no idea how to build it and it’s left to mothers like you to basically just keep people alive

I am so angry on your behalf , on the failure of society to support you, on the failure of science to tell you how best to support your child and protect yourself at the same time

It's worth saying you can deal with these issues and your child not be PDA. I have one PDAer who was violent during burnout but now hardly ever is thanks to changes in our parenting, and a non-PDA AuDHD demand avoidant child who was much more routinely and intensely violent than their PDA sibling, though greatly improved now. With the non-PDAer we had months of having police out twice a week due to assaults on me and criminal damage (smashing up rhe house) whereas now it's pretty rare for us to need to call them. PDA strategies work well for both children though.

As a PP said, if the problem is caused by PDA (or non-PDA demand avoidance), standard autism strategies and traditional parenring will almost certainly be making things worse, whether at home or at school.

CAPA do most of their stuff online.

I noticed the time you posted, and that tells me , you are totally drained and you can no longer cope, and probably stared at the computer screen for a while, before you been to type... You have done the very best you can do. By placing your daughter into residential care will be the best for all of you. Growing up our neighbours adopted a baby, years ago. They had a very bad time with him as he grew up. He would climb out of windows, standing on the roof of their house, run away, attack the parents and his sister, the list goes on, they did all they could. He was getting stronger, and they were getting older, and could no longer cope. He went into residential care. It was the best thing they did. He was alot happier there, knowing that, the parents were alot happier too. They visited him every weekend without fail, and brought him home for special occasions like xmas day, etc , they took him back early evening. You are amazing, you have done all you can, you have another child to think of, Obviously this is the only way you can get her the help she needs, ofcourse it's the best thing to do. I genuinely hope, it all goes well for you, but never forget what an amazing mum you are, because you are...

My friends child got a term time residential placement with option for holidays if the family couldn’t cope, they have managed well with term time - but their dc was non verbal, very delayed in other areas with sec being only one of many conditions

I voted yabu by mistake. I absolutely would make arrangements for her to go into care. For her own good as well as yours. Maybd she can learn to cope without lashing out as much if she gets professional help which she isn't getting now.

Its far from that simple as you should well know.

Omg, all you women are amazing. I"m sitting here in tears reading these.
I have no advice to offer op but just wanted to send a massive hug and handhold to all who are going through similar.
Love and respect x

I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this OP. I don’t have any advice but PP have given excellent advice. Just wanted to send support - my DD14 is destructive, explodes at the drop of a hat, destroys the house, smashes everything in sight, doesn’t care who gets hurt, says the most horrible things she can think of to hurt us. We don’t have any other children, which alleviates concern over another child’s safety. We’ve been desperate for help for years, none has been forthcoming. Seeking diagnosis but that too has been a battle. Suspect ADHD, autism, PDA. Our life is a daily living hell. We have contacted gp, school etc. Just dont know what to do and feel so alone. We are basically losing our minds. Good luck OP.

Residentisl school is the very last option not least becsuse ut costs an eye watering amount of money
It also has to be agreed by everyone thst its in the Ops daughter best interests
Even if this is agreed the process can still take a long time as they need to find a school that agree they can meet the Ops dsughters needs
Its really not as simple as just having a looking and deciding you like one.

I think LAs dont come through because the expect/believe that parents will 'keep going' because you want the best for your child and you wont see her 'abandoned ' they play on your emotions, as in you now believe you are 'giving up on her'.
NO YOU ARE NOT. You recognise that you aren't managing the situation. You have asked for help and noone is getting back to you. You want the best for your DD and recognise you need support.
I would.phone back and ask why you haven't been contacted, they are failing in their role.
Record all times you've contacted them and their responses. Im glad you've met a couple of decent staff.

You have my admiration and sympathy, living with thia aggression is hard and trying to protect both your DDs will be exhausting and traumatic and doing it on your own! You are amazing.
There are 2 of us and its bloody hard. We foster, we asked for respite received 1 night in the 4yrs we asked for it, put off/ignored/no money. Eventually fell through (not just out choice) and we were asked what they could have done to support the family and we said respite, giving us and siblings a chance to breathe and recharge. It was now costing them MANY 1000s more and causing extra trauma for the child and their siblings.

I hope things do turn round for you and your family x 💐💗

I've RTFT and was about to type exactly what @Weeellokthen has written. You're all amazing. I'm a nurse and a single mum of 2 NT DC. The training us adult registered nurses get for ND/SEN/MH is woefully inadequate, and over the years, I've read up on links posted here by parents of kids with SEN, and read up on the lived experiences of these families, and done the learning that I can to better improve my own practice. The hurdles and obstacles placed in the way of these families who are trying to access help is shameful.

YANBU OP, you sound like you're in complete despair and exhaustion. I hope that your GP can help you, and that the links that people have posted on here can give help/or signpost you to help. xx

@desperatemum1234are you on PDA support groups? That's made all the difference to us, and lots of people say that what they've learned from the groups has turned their lives around. The PDA Community on Facebook is my favourite. The Newbold Hope FB group is for parents of additional needs with violent & challenging behaviour - lots of us with PDAers there.

https://facebook.com/groups/thepdacommunity/

facebook.com/groups/SENDVCBProjFamilies/

I was actually trying to help. The OP didn’t complain. I’ve had useful answers from chat gpt. Do you never Google information?
Don’t tell me not to reply , thanks.

OP, this is not going to answer your question directly, as I think you’re the only one that can and it is a horribly heartbreaking things to have to consider- though I can understand where you’re coming from.
Even if you decide to go down that path it will not be immediate, knowing the state of the services, you need support and solutions now. It is wholly possible you already came across some/most/all of my suggestions, but just in case:
-Newbold hope
-Richard Greene’s: „Explosive child”
-„At peace parents”- facebook acount-can help you see a different perspective, which can help to reframe things and has some practical ideas to try (she’s been posting for years so there’s a lot you can learn without paying for courses)
None of the listed resources will tell you that it’s your fault or to sacrifice yourself further, but they’re likely to talk about how some mainstream recommended approaches are actively harmful and making things worse.
That level of violence would indicate severe burnout. The demand avoidance might be a sign of the level of burn out she is in, rather than the cause. Regardless, the fact that at this stage she’s been in a school setting recently and is regularly leaving not only her room but the house is rather astounding. But on the flip side - it might be what’s making her worse and your life miserable. Autistic kids, and PDA more so, when they hit burnout they just need to be left to recover. No talking unless they start, only safe foods, ideally leave them in their safe space with their special interest- keeping an eye but not intruding. She is in complete survival mode currently - she can come back from it. Look up „no demand”, „low demand” and therapeutic parenting- all have ways that can help. This is not to say that „no demand” is what you stick to forever but it does enable burnout recovery. I hope some of it at least gives you some ideas for how to keep yourself and your other daughter safe(r) and that all 3 of you find a way through that works (regardless of whether it’s together or separately).

I work for a Learning Disability team and work closely with CAMHS, unfortunately they are 9-5 services and in my area very stretched with huge waiting lists and not an emergency service, very sad for people having to wait but hands are tied a lot of the time.