AIBU to consider care for my autistic child to protect us?

[Myunhappyheart]

I am considering putting my child into care.

she is nearly 12. Autistic. Doesn’t go to school. NO ONE helps. I’ve been begging and pleading for help from the GP, CAMHS, police, school, children’s services for years and years.

in the last few days I’ve had been scratched so it bleeds, punched so hard it bleeds, had a bottle thrown at my face, bitten. Kicked. You name it. The language from her is disgusting.

it’s having a profound affect on both me and my other daughter.

I cannot keep doing this. There is no where left to turn now. I have done my best for both my children.

i cannot live like this any longer.

I am not that overwhelmed with it. I’m not anxious or depressed. This is a real, raw situation now. I can ruin her life and protect my other child’s.

when she hurts me i don’t feel pain anymore. I don’t react. I just use myself to protect my youngest child who is so wonderful, compassionate, successful and having her life ruined by the eldest. She deserves a life better than this.

I am in this situation and was going to ask if you had contacted children's services to ask for support first (as opposed to removal).

I reached this point yesterday with my 9yo after she followed me around the house repeatedly kicking, pushing and punching me. It culminated in her gaining access to a pair of scissors, which she threw at me, and a dart from an electronic dartboard. I locked myself in my office because I was terrified as much about how I might react myself and lash out at her.

Similar story - engaged with all professionals, multiple interactions with camhs, got a diagnosis in March and have been discharged from services with no further support. She hasn't attended school since December, we're trying to do everything right (ehcp in place, regular engagement with school senco and LA). No idea where to turn, so attempted to contact SS. They replied to say I had to do a referral through the public portal (there isn't one for parents). The first thing you're greeted by is stark wording: are you harming your child or close to doing so? That is my fear, but if I go ahead with it I'm terrified they'll remove her, when it's help and support we need.

I've read and researched and applied all the right strategies and still a tiny mark on her new white crocs sent her into a spiral. The tiniest thing. Try to help her or advise her: aggression. Don't try to help her: aggression. The outcome is the same.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. If you've exhausted all options, then absolutely I'd agree that a residential may be the only solution. I'm so sorry it's come to this though, utterly heartbreaking for you.

I assume you've tried to access medication (anti anxiety) and the answer is no? We couldn't even get melatonin for our dd when she wasn't sleeping, which magnified all the difficulties.

@StrugglingTeenagerthanks for those links and suggestions, I’ll have a look. I’ve been on the PDA support sites, but I haven’t found any advice that helps. Any approach we take seems to backfire. Wording things differently is useful, but ultimately doesn’t solve anything. Going low-demand means nothing gets done (getting out the door, homework etc). But I’ll check out your advice, it’s much appreciated.

I have been where you are. The "magic" words to uae when talking to social care are "crisis" as in, we are in crisis, and "family breakdown" as in that your family unit will break down imminently if you dont get immediate support. This wont fix things immediatey but it will get you help as faat aa possible. We were also advised to phone the police on 999 every time we felt in danger and/or take our chikd to a and e although we would never have been able to get him into a car so that was a bit pointless.

There is a middle ground with this that parents do.

Children who are regularly harming others (especially siblings) do on occasion get removed from their home but they still can have contact with their parents.

I’m not in the UK but getting this type of placement is difficult where I am and I cannot imagine it is easier with you but it still happens and it happens because it is necessary. You need to engage with social services.

I've two ds with autism
Both out of school for all of secondary years
One very violent.
First thing
No one is coming to rescue us
They are our responsibility,we HAVE to learn how to mange them ,what makes them tick ..no point relying on a course or someone to tell you
Because every autistic person is completely different and what makes one tick ,won't work for another.
I spent years chasing help ..that more often than not hindered when I got it .
Believe it or not ...
YOU are the expert on your child..not CAMHS or school...YOU..
You know already what makes her explode and what keeps her calm .
The less demands as possible in the home ,makes for a happier family.
When my ds was 14 ..it was horrendous,he was nearly sectioned.
I removed every single demand from him ,so his mental health could recover,in peace.
He already had an EHCP ,so I was able to put education on the bank burner temporarily.
Fast forward to today..he has A levels in two sciences and maths .and he is a fully qualified accountant...but he is not able to work,as he is very high needs autistic.
So if you have an EHCP call a meeting to see where you go education wise .
If you have no EHCP you need one .
It's nearly the summer holidays now ,so she's probably exhausted and burnt out
Plus mine always found the changes of term to holiday and vice versa very difficult..so that could be affecting her too

I’d agree with this there was a poster who asked for help ages ago and the SS suggestion was that the younger child be taken into care for their own protection.

Which MP did you write to? It has to be yours - the others can't act. Do they have an open office hour or a surgery you could go to.

You sound like an amazing parent and I completely agree with your insight and strategy. I have children with ASD myself and I would be very similar to you in approach.

However it is worth pointing out that each situation is different. One of my closest friends works in a very high needs special school where I am and a handful of children are in 1 2 1 and even 2 2 1 and even higher levels of care (I mean in their home life not in the school) for the reasons the OP is experiencing. Carers having regular breaks, additional support staff at all times and a whole life outside of caring responsibilities means that they can deal with the level of input required much better than a parent who is literally left to languish on their own with no support.

I’m in a country where getting this level of support is incredibly difficult so if it happens here I’m sure there are children in special schools in the UK in the same situation.

Not every situation can be managed just by parents and equally just because parents cannot manage due to the level of need, it does not mean they are not involved.

Do you have any family or friends that can support you to get a regular break? I didn't notice if you mentioned an oh.

My AuDHD child hit a similar stage age 10ish. I think puberty kicking in makes things worse. Dropped out of school due to anxiety. CAMHS etc were useless - wouldn't even see him. I ended up havjng to go to a priavte Psych who was the one who diagnosed the ADHD and prescribed medication for this plus sleep. It was expensive and challenging to afford but absolutely worthwhile.

The detailed reports also helped get a better school and some social services funding for groups.

If there is any way you can afford it going private could be lofe changing.

I feel for you as this sounds awful and so draining. I think people who are saying place her in residential care/school don’t understand the reality (some of the responses are clearly just pulled from Chatgpt). My work involves supporting children and young people with complex needs. Some of them are extremely dangerous to themselves and others and everyone would benefit from a residential placement but this is almost unheard of. I am working with one family where parents openly talk of feeling suicidal and no longer feeling love for their child who is destroying their lives and the lives of their other children. They have begged for their child to be taken into care while social services are pushing back and doing everything they can to keep the child with their family. They are just expected to carry on.

I’m not saying this to scare you but because it’s true - there is a possibility that SS, if they do deem it to be unsafe for your younger daughter, may remove her rather than your violent child. It’s cheaper and easier to find foster carers for a child without the challenging behaviours.

They will almost certainly threaten to remove your younger child if you try to surrender your oldest on a section 20.

Sounds like a plot from a bad movie but it’s genuinely true.

I’m so sorry op. You shouldn’t be expected to deal with this any more than a parent with a child with severe physical illness that you can’t manage alone.

This is the reality
Its not a simple process or a quick fix.

Also
You need to know , exactly what help you want ..what you think would fit with your family and what help your daughter would accept
There's no point ( as i ended up doing) fighting for help that your child won't accept.
We got a 9 hours a week care package from SS for my 26 year old son .and it was a disaster
The care agency sent a different member of staff every single time ,they were always one of two hours early or late .and the level of English was very poor.
They actually wrote on his notes he was on medication for schizophrenia..when he wasn't on any meds and had autism not schizophrenia.
Bit of a difference.....
My son couldn't engage, because he needed it to be the same person,with a reasonable level of spoken English.
It took me a long time to realise..my boys were my responsibility and I had toms age their behaviour myself.
Also I would say ..99% of all challenging behaviour in the home was down to inappropriate education settings
Once they were both in education that suited them ,they were much calmer and happier
Both mine had EOATS packages and tutors at home and on line school
Getting the right education in place will make a huge difference x

Totally agree
And I had a situation with a ten year old and a baby ..and the ten year old was horrendous..it was made clear to me who would be taken if I couldn't manage the violence of the ten year old

I have been through the same and my dc did go into residential care. That’s only because the family court were involved. I had been through what you have eg MPs, police, social services. My dc was also a serious danger to themself not just me and siblings so I also think that was a factor.

This.

I have a friend who has an autistic child. Extremely violent, non verbal, non toilet trained. Once the child reached puberty they could no longer handle them and my friend would regularly look like she had gone 6 rounds with Mike Tyson (and so did her DH on occasion). They were refused for several years and when they tried to push in the basis it was unsafe for their other child who had to be physically locked in a bedroom with a bucket for a toilet at times (for own safety when sibling kicked off), they were told that the typical child could be taken into care as the solution😳.

I’m in Aus but have many medical colleagues in UK who have seen and heard of similar. So, push for it if needed, but don’t expect it will be a given or an easy ride to get there.

ETA - my friend finally got her child into residential care. It was once they were 18yo and she basically had to abandon them at a hospital. She was told previously if they did that earlier they would have been tried for child abandonment/neglect, but this wasn’t as easy to for a court if the child was an adult.

Currently at work so unable to really digest the recent replies but I thank you for them. I will go over them later.

One of the things I have done to be able to cope with this is action. I’ve collected around 10 K studies of children who have been through similar things within educational settings and I’m meeting a journalist at 1 o’clock today with the view to exposing the long delays that parents and children have to suffer in the education system and how they are being systemically failed by the very people that should be supporting them,

Maybe when I’ve done this, I should My eye to other areas which children failed.

Probably a bit enough more than I can chew, but it really really helps me to cope

I would ring children services and put in an urgent safeguarding for your other child who is at risk in her own home. Next time she assaults you ring the police. She won’t get arrested but it will highlight you are experiencing child on parent domestic abuse. Wishing you all the best xxx

My heart goes out to you. I have a friend who is thinking the same as you and going through the same,although her daughter is older. I don’t know how she does it. It sounds awful but I’m being totally honest I know I couldn’t have coped if I had had a child born with such problems as these or anything else. For those that are dealing with it I salute you and my heart ❤️ goes out to you.

I am not trying to underestimated your issues with DD as I also have a similar child, initially I wrongly assumed that she was very low on the spectrum, non verbal, unable to toilet alone, physically aggressive while being moved, requires feeding etc.
(My friend has an 11 like the description above).

You would be extremely lucky to access residential care for her if she is functioning somewhere in the middle.

You could put her in care, I’d feel awful putting an animal in care never mind my child as it’s a horrible place for most young people.

A care taker is not going to have the love you have inside, you would have to deal with social services etc. it’s not an easy task unless you throw her out on the street.

Introducing choice theory into your family. Cut out some special time with your other child, even if it’s a half an hour a day, set boundaries with punishment once she calms down, she might kick off again but she can’t scream forever.

There is a fine line between meltdown and boldness with children who suffer from PDA.

Turn her wrists inwards, turn her around and restrain if necessary and put out of the room.

You have to take back some of the control as the outside world is not going to be so accommodating.

My DS is moody, agressive, pda profile and has health conditions not associated with autism, now he’s nearly 12 he has learned a lot, it wasn’t easy.
If he wants his things he has to behave. I only give in to him when his immune system is weak and he’s sick. You have to implement a lot of changes and learn how to work with this child, I am
sure she doesn’t feel happy about it either.

Maybe when I’ve done this, I should My eye to other areas which children failed.
While it is great to highlight these issues, you’ve got bigger problems to deal with first in your home.
Start there.
There is tones of information on YouTube offering the tools to help.

I also a audhd/pda child with learning disabilities. He is extremely violent on occasions. Like PPs say I do sometimes look like I’ve gone a few rounds with Tyson now and again. When he was very small and both DP and I took him to school we actually made a point of both going in and explaining that we had no DV in our relationship and the bruises/black eye/fat lips was from our DS. They saw his behaviour and thankfully believed us.
Prior to being my sons carer (I was constantly called out of work to collect him from school so I had to leave) I was a support worker for adults with autism and challenging behaviour as it was known. I’ve worked in secure units, schools and colleges etc and I have very much been schooled around dealing with autism. My DP is the manager of a residential setting for care leavers most are ND, we get autism. I’m also late diagnosed adhd and if DP was to seek a diagnosis he’d likely get an autism diagnosis. Basically we understand and are versed in ND.
That’s helped in lots of ways understand our son, I often say had I worked at Tesco and this level of ND was something I’d never been exposed to, I’d have been in for a hell of a time. But it doesn’t make the actual parenting any easier. I still just want to cuddle my baby when he’s sad, tell him to stop being a knob when he’s being a knob, I want to make things better the way I could with a NT child, through changing the subject and distracting him with something else instead of the 6 hour meltdown that his perfect routine was screwed up by something that is so insignificant to me, I don’t even know what’s the problem. (Once the bin men arrived 7 at night when they usually arrive midday when he’d be at school. He headbutted a hole in his bedroom wall) basically don’t beat yourself up. You can have all the experience in the world with ND, parenting someone you love more than life itself and seeing them hurt and hurt you, nothing was ever able to prepare you for that 💐

You would have to cope
What else could you do
Parents of children with disablities are not born with some innate abilty to cope but they have to get on with it.

The LA will try everything to not pay for a residential care place. It sounds to me like you have the ability to fight all the way. In this instance ChatGPT could really help focus on what you need to do to get the support you all need.