AIBU to consider care for my autistic child to protect us?

[Myunhappyheart]

I am considering putting my child into care.

she is nearly 12. Autistic. Doesn’t go to school. NO ONE helps. I’ve been begging and pleading for help from the GP, CAMHS, police, school, children’s services for years and years.

in the last few days I’ve had been scratched so it bleeds, punched so hard it bleeds, had a bottle thrown at my face, bitten. Kicked. You name it. The language from her is disgusting.

it’s having a profound affect on both me and my other daughter.

I cannot keep doing this. There is no where left to turn now. I have done my best for both my children.

i cannot live like this any longer.

I am not that overwhelmed with it. I’m not anxious or depressed. This is a real, raw situation now. I can ruin her life and protect my other child’s.

when she hurts me i don’t feel pain anymore. I don’t react. I just use myself to protect my youngest child who is so wonderful, compassionate, successful and having her life ruined by the eldest. She deserves a life better than this.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Reading your post, it doesn’t sound like you’ve given up on your daughter—it sounds like you’ve spent years asking every service you can think of for help and have reached breaking point.
No parent should be expected to manage repeated violence without meaningful support. Being scratched, bitten, punched and having objects thrown at you is serious. Your younger daughter also has the right to grow up feeling safe in her own home.
If you genuinely feel you can no longer keep everyone safe, asking Children’s Services about voluntary accommodation under Section 20 of the Children Act 1989 is not abandoning your daughter or failing as a parent. It is a legal option that can be used where a parent is no longer able to safely provide care, and it may allow your daughter to access the intensive support she clearly needs. You would still retain parental responsibility.
When you contact Children’s Services, be very clear:

• “My child’s behaviour has become violent.”
• “I cannot keep myself or my younger child safe.”
• “I have repeatedly sought help from CAMHS, school, my GP and other agencies.”
• “This is now a safeguarding issue.”
• “I need an urgent assessment and emergency support.”

If your daughter becomes violent again and anyone is at immediate risk, call tel:999 . That isn’t punishing her -it’s responding to an immediate safety risk.
I really hope someone finally listens. You and both of your daughters deserve the right support.

Sounds like she woukd benefit from residential school placement maybe 52 week a year.
Tell ss and lea
Go visit some options like priors court

I can feel the pain in your post. My heart goes out to you and your youngest. I don’t know what to suggest in terms of legal stuff or social services, but for the sake of all three of you, I urge you to find out what the next steps are and how you can support both your kids in the best way for each of them.

I am not saying residential schooling is not an option but it is not a quick option.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I tried to help a family once, with a child who was violent - and I found there was nothing. No support groups, charities or advice. It is a huge problem.

Do you have any emotional support?

She needs more help than any single person can give her. You've done what you can and it's time to let her get what she needs elsewhere.

So sorry. It must be heartbreaking.

You’re not being unreasonable at all, you’ve done all you can and you need more support in any form. Do what you need to do to protect yourself and your other daughter. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

I’m sorry I don’t know how you would access this sort of care but it is no way any failing on your part. I hope it works out for your family.

This is from chat gpt

1. Ask for an urgent CAMHS review (or the learning disability/autism team if they’re already under one). Explain that the aggression is occurring in multiple settings and that you’re concerned about everyone’s safety.
2. Contact your local authority Children’s Services and ask for a Child and Family Assessment because you’re struggling to keep your child and others safe. They can assess whether respite or residential support is needed.
3. Request an emergency review of your child’s EHCP (if they have one). A specialist residential school may be appropriate if local provision cannot meet their needs.
4. If there’s an immediate risk of serious harm, call tel:999 999 or go to A&E. A mental health assessment can be arranged if necessary

If your child is violent, it is possible that putting her in a different care setting would not be making her situation worse. Despite everything you are doing, her needs aren’t being met. It is possible that no human or group of humans can do better, but you don’t have to frame seeking additional help as giving up.

If a placement of some kind is the best path for her, I hope you find one.

I agree.
I think you have to save your other child.
Residential would be best.
I am so sorry it has come to this, but your other child deserves a chance of a peacsafe childhood.

i spent an hour with our wonderful GP just yesterday putting yet another referral in to CAMHS. He was wonderful. Hopefully for a diagnosis of PDA and selective mutism. And to support her and the violence.

I called children’s services Tuesday. Begged for help. They said someone would call me back urgently. They haven’t.

the IDP is a joke. No one has done it properly. It’s filled with factually incorrect nonsense. I’m taking the school to tribunal for DD. There’s a wonderful woman at the LA who is going to re write it and keep it LA maintained as I have requested interim section 19 whilst she transitions into new school. But too late coz that was so traumatic for her in the second day she can’t go back.

I’ve got a PDA’er and I understand what you’re going through OP. 💐

Hopefully CAMHS will step up. I hear they are very slow and useless. I wrote to my MP about an issue with my ICB and he was very helpful. You are at crisis point , at least your GP sounds helpful.

Written to one MP. They wrote back with some basic advice that I’ve already read an ion timed on Google. The other one had just fobbed me to another. It’s just a nasty circle of chasing people for support which I think has turned into a coping mechanism so I feel joke I’m just doing something rather than nothin. If that makes sense.

Some children need a team around them and one person can’t do it.
please don’t see it as a failure or bad thing. It could be what she needs. I watch children being supported in residential for the exact reasons you describe and they have really thrived. The family have thrived too and this developed into a joyful relationship with their child.
residential is not always a last resort, it is sometimes the right thing.

CAMHS tend to swerve autistic children, even suicidal ones, unfortunately. It’s maddening.

Maybe she is ‘more’ autistic than I ever thought. And I’ve been treating her as a little bit autistic. Maybe it’s coz I don’t know how to parent and be around a really autistic person.

It sounds like she may have mania along with the ASD. Call the GP, call CAMHS again, cry on the phone (it worked for me). Call child services to see what help they can give you. Talk to your DD. Tell her things need to change. Tell her you love her.

Do what is needed to get her help, which might be attending a boarding school specialising in ASD. This isn't just about protecting you/your youngest DD, this is about helping your eldest DD.

As a PDA mum, you have my deepest sympathies. I get it. I really do.

Have you tried:
Capa First Response
Aspens
Occupational Therapy

What does her day to day look like?
What parenting methods are you using?

A long time ago I had a summer job & worked with non verbal violent autistic children in residential care. I won't go into how hard it was as that's not what this is about.

OP please do not feel guilty for doing what is best for your child & your family. You are in a situation that is no different to making the decision to place a parent in care. There comes a time when you can't cope & there is simply no choice. You are an excellent mother who has done her best. You are now holding your hands up & saying help me & help my child by giving her a place in residential care.

Absolutely inexcusable that you should be floundering through this alone! Why should you know how to deal with this clearly extremely challenging situation?

I am in a different country with an autistic daughter who is not violent and does attend school, and I would have no idea how to parent her without the OT, psych and other support we get. How on earth is someone in your position meant to navigate things without all that and more (not to mention respite)?

Just appalling that the system has abandoned you like this and put you in this heartbreaking position. Thank goodness for your GP, I really hope you’re able to get some help very soon.

It sounds like the 'help' you've had has been from unhelpful people.

Research on families with ND children wih challenging behaviour suggests that in ~90% of cases, organisations like CAHMS and social services don't help, and often make thing worse. The same research shows that with specialist help and support from others in similar situations, you can turn things around.

I would look at (in this order):

Newbold Hope (for additional needs either violent & challenging behaviour)

CAPA first response (child against parent violence).

Newbold Hope have free articles and videos on their website and a FB group which is really helpful. They also have low-cost more in-depth training videos.

Probably you will need a whole mind-set change, as that is what is most likely to make a difference. It is clear that she is very dysregulated.

Have you ever looked into PDA or demand avoidance? That is often a factor at play in situations like this.

Take heart - it can change. I haven't actually done any training with them, but I looked at an organisation called the Centre for Excellence in Child Trauma, who have a training course for families in crisis, who were actively looking at putting their child into care. Their course had 100% success rate ie by the end, none of those families still felt the need to put their child in care. That course is a paid-for one, but helpful from organisations who specialise in these issues can really have a transformative effect on your whole family. Learning from other parents via support groups can go a long way too.

Yes, if you are not safe and can’t cope,You will always be a big part of her life.
I can’t imagine how hard it is. I follow a girl from northern Ireland on TikTok who has a severely affected autistic daughter, her life is so tough.
I know that some posters on mumsnet are in the same situation as your family, they’re amazing, life is very tough for them. Hopefully they can offer you some help and comfort, even with respite help if there is any available.
Good luck.

It sounds like she might be in burnout.
Is she still on roll at a school? Sadly school is often a factor in burnout and challenges at home - even when the child is not actually attending - because the expectation that they "ought" to go back causes so much stress.

It’s not easy to access residential care there will be a lot of pushback from SS.