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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How common is autism among close family and friends?

242 replies

momtoboys · 16/07/2026 16:41

Posting here for traffic. It has long seemed to me that very frequently a post on mumsnet includes mentions of SEN, autism, etc. Posters mention children having these traits, the poster has these traits, a friend or a partner. It appears that it is way more prevalent that I could have imagined.

How many of us have a person who is close to them (either family of friend) that has been diagnosed with autism? Thanks!

OP posts:
Sartre · 17/07/2026 07:39

Our youngest DS has autism and it’s really made us look at ourselves and also older DC more introspectively and realise we’re all probably sitting within the spectrum somewhere. For example, my DS has no time for shit he isn’t interested in. If he gets bored, he’ll just walk away. I WISH I could do this.

There are times where I’m just bored out of my mind and really really don’t want to be there to the point I’m uncomfortable mentally, but society expects me to sit so I do. I wish I could just walk off like he does instead. I really respect that about him and admire it to be frank, however much of a dick that makes me sound.

DH has 2 cousins diagnosed but that’s it AFAIK. One of them sits reading quietly at family events and I also admire that and would love to do that too.

sixteenfiftytwo · 17/07/2026 09:08

Slimtoddy · 17/07/2026 07:04

I understand it's highly genetic. According to Simon Barron Cohen (professor/clinical psychologist at Cambridge and cousin of Sasha) if your sibling has a diagnosis for autism you are 200 times more likely to also have autism. One of my family has a diagnosis but I suspect all of us in the nuclear family would get a diagnosis if we pursued it. Looking across wider family I see a significant number who would likely get a diagnosis too. One of two have a diagnosis. There are also diagnosed dyslexia and ADHD within family. So my perception is that it is more widespread than we understand

I wonder how many generations it can skip. I come from a large family and I am the the only one with autism.

Whatafustercluck · 17/07/2026 09:26

Dd is autistic. I have autistic traits (not diagnosed). Dh has adhd. Ds has adhd. This is a really fun household to live in sometimes. Obviously that's sarcasm.

Niece is undiagnosed autistic (some very similar traits as my dd).

WonderWeeksArentReal · 17/07/2026 09:33

One of my DC has an ASD diagnosis. I have no doubt the other one would get one (and/or ADHD) but we haven't set the wheels in motion yet. Both my brother's DC have diagnosed ASD.

Me, my brother and my Dad I reckon could all get an ASD diagnosis but none of us have ever pursued it. DH and various members of his family have a few traits each but maybe not enough for a diagnosis.

Slimtoddy · 17/07/2026 10:09

sixteenfiftytwo · 17/07/2026 09:08

I wonder how many generations it can skip. I come from a large family and I am the the only one with autism.

One of my kids grandparents I am pretty sure would get a diagnosis today. They were super academic (off the scale) but had huge social issues. I suspect my mother probably today would get a diagnosis. There are lots of people in this thread saying similar. I think people probably masked a lot more in previous years.

Legomania · 17/07/2026 11:07

sixteenfiftytwo · 17/07/2026 09:08

I wonder how many generations it can skip. I come from a large family and I am the the only one with autism.

There may be more people than you think. Anecdotally a lot of people on the spectrum don't see traits in family members because things like having certain very fixed preferences and discomforts eg over clothing seams etc are completely standard for them.

I have seen a lot on here and also in life (eg an acquaintance who thought that most school-age children find it distressing to wear shoes).

malificent7 · 17/07/2026 11:13

Sdd has autism, I went for ASd assessment- negative.
2 of my best friends have autistic children, my cousin has 2 autistic children and dh has many traits.

Seagulldancing · 17/07/2026 11:17

Loads. My DC generation of relatives almost all have some form of ND diagnosis. And looking back through the generations there are loads of people with significant indicators but diagnosis wasn't a thing.

Slimtoddy · 17/07/2026 11:21

Alcohol dependency can be indicative of ADHD. There are quite a few people in my family with ADHD diagnosis and when I look back to previous generations there were quite a lot of alcohol dependency. I never realised the link until fairly recently. Makes me wonder if ADHD might have been present in previous generations.

Sysdiamin · 17/07/2026 11:24

My husband has a lot of the traits that point to autism. I think it's quite likely that he would be diagnosed if he had an assessment. He's 71.

I have always lived my life on the edge of social circles. I know a lot of people but only have one or two that I call friends and see socially from time to time. I've known them for over 30 years. I'm aware that I'm a bit different from other people in the way that I interact with them (or don't!). When I met DH in my teens, we seemed to gel because we both disliked most of the things that young people were supposed to like in those days.

Our grandchild and two grandnieces are autistic and another two have ADHD.

DrRylandGrace · 17/07/2026 11:34

It is genetic so of course it is more prevalent in certain families. Autistic people tend to connect with other autistic people so many autistic people have children together. The associated genes are also highly correlated with intelligence and intelligent people tend to be attracted to each other and socialise/ work with others who share their interests which again increases the likelihood of marriages between autistic people and the genes being passed on, compared to generations ago when people generally chose from a much smaller pool of potential partners in their local area. Then of course you have far better research and diagnosis now than even a couple of decades ago so many people would have gone through life previously being unaware that they are autistic - which can be turturous, so thankfully now many more of those who are autistic are actually diagnosed.

I spoke to a geneticist about this when my children were very small and they stated that with two parents with neurodiversity our children were highly likely to carry these genes. They also pointed out that the genes would not have become so widespread if they were not beneficial to society. To flourish society needs dandelions and orchids and effectively these genes are like a highly-leveraged evolutionary bet.

Research shows, for example, that positive childhood experiences have an outsized positive impact on autistic children compared to the population average. But so do negative ones: adverse childhood experiences have an outsized impact on autistic children. In effect it is a magnifying glass, which is why it is so imperative for the whole population that we ensure appropriate support and schools are in place (currently, they are not: 85% of children with poor attendance or out of school entirely are autistic, but the Government refuses to acknowledge this systemic failing to provide adequate and suitable educations environments for autistic choldren).

Many neurodiverse children will become some of our most successful, innovative, productive people if they are given the right support (hence so many successful and important scientists, artists, mathematicians, inventors, composers, entrepreneurs etc being autistic or having ADHD, vastly disproportionate to the prevalence of either in the general population). But it they are not, they will generally crash and burn (which is one reason why our prison population has an extremely high prevalence of people with ADHD who did not receive appropriate support in childhood).

Human society needs dandelions which can weather storms, grow back in adverse circumstances, and provide stability. It also needs those who think differently, create new ways of doing things, challenge ideas, but this comes at a huge personal cost in many cases like when society wants to take the upside of this and yet not provide the right support to protect those who are more fragile. Orchids need more nurture and can’t thrive in any environment. They won’t grow back if stamped on. But if they are nurtured they can flourish into something very beautiful.

I hope we are gradually moving towards people understanding this - for which there is now quite a lot of genetic evidence - rather than focusing only on the downsides to the overall population and not the upsides which the non-autistic population often fail to recognise or acknowledge, portraying autistic people as a burden when they would not have half of the comforts of modern life if autistic people didn’t exist.

It’s an interesting thought experiment to consider what society might be like if autistic people were the majority and it was designed around their preferences and needs rather than the other way around. What I find most ironic is that when autistic people spend all day every day accommodating everyone else’s needs and preferences because we know we’re the minority so it’s understandable that the world is not designed for us, the non-autistic population often makes an enormous fuss about the slightest accommodation in return even if it has minimal or no effect on them, and then accuses autistic people of lacking empathy (which has been thoroughly debunked anyway, but people do love their ignorant stereotypes).

ExOptimist · 17/07/2026 11:45

No one in my family and extended family and friends.

I'm in my sixties with children in their thirties and have only very rarely met anyone with autism in my life, as far as I'm aware I've met 2 people with it.

zigazigaaaing · 17/07/2026 11:49

I have no friends or family that are autistic or show signs

DrRylandGrace · 17/07/2026 11:57

ExOptimist · 17/07/2026 11:45

No one in my family and extended family and friends.

I'm in my sixties with children in their thirties and have only very rarely met anyone with autism in my life, as far as I'm aware I've met 2 people with it.

If you meet people casually then you most likely wouldn’t be aware. Autistic people who don’t also have other conditions are generally incredibly adept at masking and you would be completely oblivious to it unless you knew them very well or they decided to tell you.

Many people who’ve been more than casual acquaintances but not extremely close friends of mine are unaware that I’m autistic, as have been many work colleagues, and apparently all of my school teachers when I was younger.

TwoLeggedGrooveMachine · 17/07/2026 12:04

My DD1 diagnosed at 8, DD2 is 15 and we are waiting for the outcome of her assessment. Having spoken to the SALT I would be astonished if she isn’t diagnosed. I’m on the waiting list for assessment having gone through perimenopause burnout and depression recently. I’m convinced DH is but be doesn’t want to discuss it.

I have friends, neighbours, and colleagues with ASD and/or ADHD including friends I’ve known since my teens before I had even heard of this things. I was speaking to my therapist about this who thinks I have subconsciously sought out like minded people and a suitable career for my strengths and personality type. I feel surrounded by autistic and ADHD, they seem to be attracted to me 😁.

SpreadsheetLife · 17/07/2026 12:11

I imagine that Mumsnet contains a disproportionate amount of posters with children with autism, (and given the genetic element, they are likely to also have family members with autism), as they are more likely to reach out or being searching online for support communities.

cupfinalchaos · 17/07/2026 13:41

SilverBlue4 · 16/07/2026 18:29

How do you know what's happening when you're not with them?

Because I know diagnosed children who are very open. Obviously no one knows what another person feels/how they cope not being that person.

FunkyFringe · 17/07/2026 14:21

NotBreezy · 16/07/2026 16:57

I am in my fifties. None of my family or my husband’s family or the generation below us have diagnoses. And the sprinkling of new grandchildren don’t have diagnoses either. My friends and their kids do not have autism diagnoses. Maybe I am an anomaly.

No you’re not. I would say that our family and close friends are similar to yours.

Looking back, there were very few ND pupils in my classes during my first 25 years of teaching from the mid 80s to around 2010. In this close knit community, I still see many of them socially and I then taught many of their children too!

From around 2015, there would be possibly 1-2 pupils with a formal diagnosis in each class but their needs were very mild.

I’m not doubting any parents here who describe their experience of autism in their families, but it’s not something I’ve commonly seen in 35 years of teaching thousands of children.

FunkyFringe · 17/07/2026 14:29

SpreadsheetLife · 17/07/2026 12:11

I imagine that Mumsnet contains a disproportionate amount of posters with children with autism, (and given the genetic element, they are likely to also have family members with autism), as they are more likely to reach out or being searching online for support communities.

I think there might be some truth in this!

Same with family breakdowns and non-contact scenarios.

I’ll be honest. I came across MN last year when searching for something related to a TV show. One thing led to another and I began reading some AIBUs. It might be my age or the type of community I live in, but a lot of what is posted is very alien to me and though fascinating, is also incredibly sad and perplexing.

TheNewFinch · 17/07/2026 14:30

momtoboys · 16/07/2026 16:41

Posting here for traffic. It has long seemed to me that very frequently a post on mumsnet includes mentions of SEN, autism, etc. Posters mention children having these traits, the poster has these traits, a friend or a partner. It appears that it is way more prevalent that I could have imagined.

How many of us have a person who is close to them (either family of friend) that has been diagnosed with autism? Thanks!

Autism is being diagnosed in children broadly now and this carries both genetic and environmental reasons.

PinkBuffalo · 17/07/2026 14:40

I be the only one out of my whole family diagnosed that I be aware of (I was diagnosed young) Certainly none of my cousins/siblings be on disability like me

none of them be in contact with me though. Lucky i has friends to look out for me

unlimiteddilutingjuice · 17/07/2026 14:48

I suspect my Mum is autistic and my Dad has AudDHD.
My sister has diagnosed ADHD and dyslexia.

Like the cliche I am...I went and married a guy that reminds me of my Dad. I think he is also probably autistic.

What do you know: One kid has diagnosed AuDHD. The other has plain vanilla ADHD and dyslexia.

Didn't realise any of this until the first child was diagnosed. Then it was like "Bloody hell, suddenly my childhood (and my marriage) makes sense"

I don't think there's that many. But its strongly hereditable. And I'm personally surrounded by them.

Fifthtimelucky · 17/07/2026 14:50

The nearest family members I know of are:

a first cousin once removed (my first cousin’s daughter) and a great nephew, who was recently diagnosed with AuDHD.

So no one in my immediate family (though my children suspect my husband is).

I am not aware of any friends with autism.

ohtowinthelottery · 17/07/2026 15:04

My DS was diagnosed at the age of 7. Nobody else in the immediate family (DH & I have 2 siblings each who also have children) has a diagnosis or appears to have any traits. However, I was interested to learn at a family funeral a few years ago, that one of my cousins on my DFs side has autism, as does one of his Grandchildren.

BlackeyedSusan · 17/07/2026 15:07

It runs in families. Some families will have many neurodiverse members, both diagnosed and undiagnosed. Other families will have very few.