To be annoyed partner is prioritising his brother over us on holiday

[CosmicVibe]

I feel awful typing this as he's had a difficult life but I'm getting fed up now. My partners brother is 14 and he lives in a residential care home and has down for 2 years since his foster care placement broke down. My partner is the only family member he has contact with. their mum is neglectful and partner only had supervised contact with her growing up (but he lived with his dad so he avoided care).

He constantly runs away from his placement and a month or so ago he went missing overnight after he came to ours and partner said he had to inform his social worker he then ran off but despite this she gave permission for him to come away with us which I was hesitant about.

We got here Monday afternoon (myself, partner, partners brother and our 2 year old twins) and the twins have just turned 2 so while they're gorgeous they're wild and don't sit still

His brother wants partners attention all the time, i’d understand spending the odd time just the two of them but its constant. It feels like my partner and his brother are having their own holiday and I'm stick with 2 toddlers

If we're walking somewhere he wants to walk next to him, if one of the twins say daddy his brother his already saying his name for something else, if partner is doing something with the twins such as feeding them or holding them or playing with them etc he wants partner that minute and if partner is busy with the DC he'll say his name over and over again and start sighing and huffing and say things like “you're not listening to me” or “forget it then”

I know he wants his big brother and I'm not jealous of a 14 year old or anything but it's how partner never says no to him, uestedsy we were meant to go to the beach together but his brother wanted food even though we'd just eaten but partner gave in and they were gone for an hour whilst I was left with 2 toddlers

Today we were walking and one DC wanted to walk instead of the buggy but tripped and of course he cried so whilst DP was comforting him his brother wanted DP’s attention but just to point something he'd seen out, because DP didn't answer straight away he said his name over and over again and shouted at him “why are you ignoring me” “you always do this” and stormed off to the arcade so then DP had to follow him and left our crying toddler which sounds dramatic I know but DC wanted him to cuddle him. They were gone a while too and I've just came back to our airbnb

AIBU to feel he's prioritising his brother over us?

What do you want your DP to do at this point?

His db sounds a troubled dc. Your toddlers are thankfully part of a loving family. Easy to understand why the teen may be feeling a bit envious..
You need to make him feel part of your family also and he may relax and cheer up.

This.

I get it’s tough but this child is just trying to build a bond with probably the only person who shows him some love.

can you try to spend some time with him so your partner can spend some Time with the twins? Or get him involved in helping with them. Make him feel loved and part of the family

He obviously is prioritising his brother. I don't know that there's much else he can do at this point though. He's an adult who's chosen to take responsibility for a very troubled child for a week, that means doing what's necessary. The time to have a problem with this has passed,

But it's perfectly fine if you don't want to go on holiday with the pair of them again in future.

I would never go on holiday again with him. Why don’t you tell him to be patient when he is doing this? You have the right to. Also I would just keep a closer eye on the little ones. He’s troubled and seems very competitive with young children and might so I would just watch out.

Yeah I agree with the other posters. Your partner is in a tough spot here. It sounds tough all round but I don't think that there is an easy answer here. Everyone is just trying to do their best having been dealt a shitty hand.

I think you might have to resign yourself to doing two totally separate holidays from the same accommodation - you and the toddlers, DH and his brother.

Don't even try to do things together, and don't try to take his brother over so DH can take the twins because it's only one week (if he was moving in permanently this would be something you would need to do).

It's absolutely classic disordered attachment to try to push his attachment figure away in order to test him - everyone your teenage brother in law has trusted has failed him (in his mind - quite possibly there have been fantastic teachers and care givers in the children's home, but his parents and foster placements have effectively abandoned him - although it's highly likely the foster placement had no choice if there were other children resident).

If your husband is serious about being his stable adult then you need to let brother in law have him during the day this week.

It may be in future that it's better for your husband to see his brother 1:1 until his brother understands he's not going to be rejected or initiates seeing his small nephew/s/ niece/s.

He won't be emotionally 14 (regardless of intelligence - it's completely separate) because of what he's experienced - emotionally he's probably a toddler himself in some ways and he has the same type of emotional need for his parent-figure's attention as a toddler. Essentially he's a toddler and a teenager both at once and he can only help that to a limited degree.

I have worked with kids in this position and what your husband is doing is really life changing if he does it well, but you need to help him by stepping away and single parenting the toddlers while your husband is with his brother.

Eventually you should be able to do things together, but he needs to feel secure first and it could be a couple of years off.

He needs family, that’s why. He’s craving it because he doesn’t have it. Every time your partner is hands on with the kids, all he will feel is that he doesn’t have that in his life (but he won’t actually be aware that that’s what he’s feeling - he’ll just act on the impulse to have that attention).

Your partner needs to start turning to him and saying, “I hear you, but I also have a baby to care for and I cannot just stop. Come sit down by me while we do this.”
He also needs to challenge the boy’s comments of “you always do this” because it isn’t true, and it’s ok to sit down and talk to him about that. Tell him that he is paying attention, he is putting him first on lots of occasions but he cannot drop everything all the time and he cannot ignore the little ones just because X is shouting his name over and over.

You need to understand that this boy doesn’t mean it maliciously and won’t even understand why he is doing it. But it’s ok to have a conversation.

When he starts shouting for attention and your partner is with the kids, what are you doing? Are you saying things like, “I’m here X, show me what you’ve seen” etc? You need to acknowledge and involve him. It’s hard work, but you’ve chosen a partner from a difficult background with a younger brother who needs this sort of help so… you need to give it.

Does he ever live with you? Time away from placement to live with family?

Yes he is but he's being reactive to a very understandably clingy younger brother.

Perhaps in future, your DH could take him away for a weekend so it's just the two of them and you can have your family holiday separately?

Yes, bad idea to have a holiday with the brother as well as 2 toddlers. I think you’ll just have to suck up the fact that DP will be mainly be focussing on his DB this trip and not you/your kids. He’s probably making up for lost time. In future, he should go away with him alone for a long weekend or something.

Perhaps you could try to look at things in a different way - you are lucky to have such an amazing partner willing to step up and help look after his brother.

Children in foster care in those sorts of circumstances tend to have a whole host of different issues. Are there any diagnoses? FASD, damage from fetal drug exposure, ADHD etc are very common for foster children and can lead to attention issues. Trauma can mimic a lot of autism symptoms.

Some sort of family counselling might be helpful or courses on dealing with children with whatever diagnosis/iss is relevant.

That's a good idea. If DP wants to go away with his brother again after this, which maybe he won't, it'll be less work to be at home solo parenting.

He is prioritising his brother, and he should be. He's aware that he is the only unconditionally loving figure that his brother has, and that this is the most crucial stage of his brother's childhood in determining whether he can overcome his early troubles. The twins, meanwhile have you. Which I know doesn't seem fair - but your partner's brother doesn't have anyone else. (Unless you are willing to step up and embrace him as part of your family, not an unwanted intrusion?)

To put it bluntly, it is more important in the greater scheme of things that your partner's brother, in that moment, did not feel emotionally abandoned yet again, than your partner's child had a cuddle.

Your children don’t know why daddy’s apparently gone off helping them or doing things with them, it’s not okay for him to shrug them off and prioritise his brother. His brother’s circumstances sound awful but they’re not yours or your babies faults and he needs to manage things an awful lot better.

Also, while your partner's brother's behaviour will be exacerbated by his background, fast forward 12 years and you too will be running after irrationally stroppy (but also emotionally vulnerable) teenagers trying to make them realise that they are loved. It's what teenagers feel and what they do.

I would find this so attractive. What a lovely man.

The children are 2. They won't remember in a week, let alone a decade. Daddy going off to help his brother will not be a formative event in their lives, not even remotely.

Whereas this kind of situation - feeling of abandonment while feeling like an outsider on a family holiday at the age of 14 - is very much something that may shape the brother's adulthood.

He is prioritising his brother, and he should be.

No. He chose to be a dad, there’s no excuse at all for ditching his children, especially when one has fallen over and is crying, to play in a bloody arcade with a 14 year old.

OP did you tell DP you were hesitant about DBIL coming on the holiday? I do think this is something that both partners have to be very much on board with, though of course when it's first time you don't know what you're letting yourself in for.

Feeling of abandonment caused by a man saying hang on a minute, I’ll sort the baby out and join you? You keep saying formative moments. He’s 14, he’ll get over being asked to wait a minute so his baby nephew can be comforted.

What is this disingenuous and inaccurate slant on the situation? He went off to find a teenager who'd RUN OFF in an emotional state. Do you seriously think he should have just let a vulnerable 14-year-old fend for himself, not knowing where he'd gone to, just because a 2-year-old fell over? It's not as if he deliberately skived his responsibilities for some leisure time.

I feel for all of you. It’s not an ideal situation from anyone’s point of view.

but it’s the best you can expect in the circumstances.

Poor BIL deserves to be the centre of attention for once in his life. Your DH should be admired for wanting to be a strong and supportive big bro (I’m not doubting that you’re proud of him). You should be able to expect a break from being the main carer for the toddlers while you’re on holiday. And the tinies obviously want daddy.

maybe try to reframe this in your mind that this holiday is primarily for BIL. The toddlers have Daddy 51 other weeks of the year. As do you. But could you have a gentle convo with DH about how you want to strengthen your bond with BIL to show him that you care for him too? Maybe get him to help with dinner tonight while DH does bathtime? Or ask him what he’d like to do tomorrow or to watch on tv? Prioritise him.

and then maybe plan a family day trip when you return, just the 4 of you.

This is a lovely, practical response. Being a teen is such a difficult time even without difficult family dynamics. It's great that your DH is stepping up, it'll be so hard for him being pulled in different directions too.

Hang in there OP, hopefully things will settle down 🌺

Absolutely bizarre. I can’t imagine any mother being attracted to the father of her children leaving her to solo parent two year old twins on what’s meant to be a family holiday.

Feeling of abandonment obviously caused by the wider situation, not the specific trigger point. And you should know very well that teenagers are not exactly the most rational beings.

The 14-year-old ran off. Are you saying that if your teenage child ran off on holiday that you wouldn't be worried sick about where they could end up? And that you wouldn't prioritise going to find them? The nephew had someone to comfort him, and will not remember anything about the situation in a few days.