To be annoyed partner is prioritising his brother over us on holiday

[CosmicVibe]

I feel awful typing this as he's had a difficult life but I'm getting fed up now. My partners brother is 14 and he lives in a residential care home and has down for 2 years since his foster care placement broke down. My partner is the only family member he has contact with. their mum is neglectful and partner only had supervised contact with her growing up (but he lived with his dad so he avoided care).

He constantly runs away from his placement and a month or so ago he went missing overnight after he came to ours and partner said he had to inform his social worker he then ran off but despite this she gave permission for him to come away with us which I was hesitant about.

We got here Monday afternoon (myself, partner, partners brother and our 2 year old twins) and the twins have just turned 2 so while they're gorgeous they're wild and don't sit still

His brother wants partners attention all the time, i’d understand spending the odd time just the two of them but its constant. It feels like my partner and his brother are having their own holiday and I'm stick with 2 toddlers

If we're walking somewhere he wants to walk next to him, if one of the twins say daddy his brother his already saying his name for something else, if partner is doing something with the twins such as feeding them or holding them or playing with them etc he wants partner that minute and if partner is busy with the DC he'll say his name over and over again and start sighing and huffing and say things like “you're not listening to me” or “forget it then”

I know he wants his big brother and I'm not jealous of a 14 year old or anything but it's how partner never says no to him, uestedsy we were meant to go to the beach together but his brother wanted food even though we'd just eaten but partner gave in and they were gone for an hour whilst I was left with 2 toddlers

Today we were walking and one DC wanted to walk instead of the buggy but tripped and of course he cried so whilst DP was comforting him his brother wanted DP’s attention but just to point something he'd seen out, because DP didn't answer straight away he said his name over and over again and shouted at him “why are you ignoring me” “you always do this” and stormed off to the arcade so then DP had to follow him and left our crying toddler which sounds dramatic I know but DC wanted him to cuddle him. They were gone a while too and I've just came back to our airbnb

AIBU to feel he's prioritising his brother over us?

Realistically, a 14 year old who's been recently absconding from placement is enough of a flight risk that they have to be followed by one of the adults should they storm off. Some of the things OP describes could potentially have been handled differently by DP, but not that. Again the time to have had a problem with this was before the holiday rather than when the potentially dangerous situation occurs.

But this is why I'd like to know if OP felt able to discuss her hesitancy beforehand, and if so what was the response.

Sounds like his brother desperately needs someone to prioritise him right now.

Your DP is between a rock and a hard place! He can’t ignore his brother or he will run off and get into god knows what trouble and he’s upsetting you by having to prioritise his brother. I think going forward it may be better if he holidays alone with his brother.

Have you tried to make him feel important OP, give him responsibilities in supporting you/supoporting his brothers and the twins? Involving him so he is part of things?

Most posters have set out the issues and why he is struggling and why your partner really does have to prioritise him at this time but also needs to be able to follow that through in 'real life'.

I dont know why you would be surprised that the SW agreed for him to come on holiday with you and your partner, you're not a risk to him are you?

But what if they can’t afford two holidays? Both financially and in the Dh leave from work?

What for an afternoon?

It could be the safety plan for all OP knows, when SW gives permission for a child to go away on holiday with family, there will be a working together agreement/safety plan to mitigate any risks. Its likely that brother signed up to take particular actions for when the boy runs off.

Exactly. And how is Op's husband supposed to do any better-split himself in two?
When I read the title, I thought this was going to be a man spending all his holiday drinking with his grown up brother while his wife did all the childcare/organisation. That's a man who needs to do better, not this one!

Op, how about making the 14 year old important by getting him to help you all plan things/do things? Make him feel seen, respected and needed.

Whether you mean to do it or not, your BIL will be picking up on your hostility and resentment of him and that will make him cling to his brother- his only real family (not including your twins) even more. Your husband is all this kid has on top of all of the other terrible things that have happened to him over the years. That’s not to say I don’t understand your frustration, but that’s a lot of trauma.

The kid is in a care home cos he’s been abandoned by his parents, there was obviously no one else in the family to look after him, he was placed in foster care and that didn’t work out either. Sounds like the boy has been repeatedly let down and abandoned his whole life.
Now he’s on holiday with his brother, the only adult in his world that seems to care about him and he is craving some attention. It must be annoying but you can walk beside your partner any other day of the year, don’t begrudge the kid a week of feeling like some one cares about him.
i really find it hard to understand where you’re coming from here! Poor boy, honestly think you need to have a word with yourself

I think, unfortunately, if you want your partner's attention to be fully on you, your partner's brother shouldn't have come. It's happened, so you might as well make the best of it. Your partner's brother sounds like he's been dealt a rough hand so I think it's a lovely thing he's come away with you, but I do recognise that's an additional burden on you just as much as your partner.

Why did you and your partner not take BIL rather than him go to foster care?

This holiday sounds like a very bad idea. It’s no holiday for any of you apart from maybe the brother.

Dh needs to spend sibling time with his brother on a more general thing. A evening out weekly, come round for dinner on a weekend.

A big family holiday is clearly really still too far away from what’s really doable.

Your DH needs to prioritise his DB right now.
If he runs away he could get himself into danger and I assume DH could even get into trouble over it.

I really feel for you with 2 toddlers but your DH is doing his best.

Why not openly suggest that DH and DB go out in the evening once the toddlers are asleep or something - not only will it show DB that you are on his side but also ensure DH goes once the toddlers are asleep.

You want to really try and get a bit of a bond with DB this holiday, as that will make life so much easier.

Once you get home, then there needs to be a chat about how to manage going forward.

How old are you both?

I've only read the first few posts so don't know at this point how the rest of the thread is going.

You seem to be getting a hammering for wanting your DH to be present for younand your DCs.

I agree the teen brother is troubled and looking for attention, but his behaviour is way out of line. He needs to be taught some manners, and yourvDH should be trying to model good behaviour. Instead, he seems to be trying to head off teen tantrums. Not good.

Your DH should be pushing back and trying to teach him, "not now, bro, the little one needs seeing to". It doesn't have to be harsh, but he needs to learn to share his older brother's time.

Two year old twins are going to be HARD WORK on holiday so I totally sympathise with you flying solo with them. You will need a holiday to recover! (not joking)
But this vulnerable teenager needs some reassurance and to be centred for once. In your position I would be inclined to parent the toddlers while partner looks after the other child in the equation. Hopefully you’re only away for a week.

Your husband sounds a good kind man and this is a young boy who clearly has had a terrible terrible child hood. Yes he’s clingy, he’s in residential care and runs away, do you know how awful residential is? My brother went in for a while. Someone shit in his bed as a welcome the first night. It is horrific.

sp try to have some empathy

This must be really hard.
On the plus side at least your partner seems like a really decent person

Jesus. That kind of experience growing up really puts things into perspective. How is your brother doing?

No, wrong. The time for that is in longer term work, its a holiday, specificallly designed to give him direct, quality sustained, intense time with his brother, the only family he has.

Poor kid.

If he’s had a traumatic start in life, his emotional maturity will be way below his age. Just imagine a preschooler or one of your toddlers asking for attention constantly. He is looking for connection.

I get why you’re annoyed at being left holding the babies, but your partner is the only person his brother has got. You should be happy your partner is so caring towards him.

Your husband is trying to care for a teen. I've got one of those who's had a very easy home life and is an intelligent boy and it's not always easy. The teen your husband is trying to parent has already been abandoned to care. There is a very real possibility that this teen actually would run off and dispear into all sorts of danger if your DP didn't pay him attention. Hopefully, in time, your brother in law will feel safe enough and stable enough to enjoy playing with and even helping with his baby cousins, but right now he needs to learn to trust his brother to take care of him and be the adult he needs.

You make it sound so easy. It’s not. This isn’t just a teenager having tantrums, this is intense insecurity by the sounds of it and that’s going to take more to “fix” than saying “bro, you need to learn your place/some manners”.

This is a child from a desperately insecure background. He's been abandoned by everyone in his life except his brother. He's jealous of his brother's attention because he is terrified his brother is going to leave him too. It was totally predictable that he'd be jealous of your twins and their loving parents. He's not a normal teen - he's an incredibly vulnerable teen who needs abnormal amounts of reassurance and attention because his life is abnormal.

I'm sorry for you because you didn't sign up for this and you didn't deserve for this to happen. It's valid that you feel frustrated that your own children are losing their father's attention. But I think your husband is doing the right thing in prioritising his vulnerable teenage brother right now. It's also not fair for this poor kid that his entire family has abandoned him.

Probably because they'd have had/been about to have baby twins at the time.

Just to add, I have a 14 year old son of my own who has had nothing but love and connection his whole life, and he’s still making some seriously dodgy choices. We are showing him and telling him all the time how much we care about him and love him and want him to do well.

who is doing this for your BIL?