To be annoyed partner is prioritising his brother over us on holiday

[CosmicVibe]

I feel awful typing this as he's had a difficult life but I'm getting fed up now. My partners brother is 14 and he lives in a residential care home and has down for 2 years since his foster care placement broke down. My partner is the only family member he has contact with. their mum is neglectful and partner only had supervised contact with her growing up (but he lived with his dad so he avoided care).

He constantly runs away from his placement and a month or so ago he went missing overnight after he came to ours and partner said he had to inform his social worker he then ran off but despite this she gave permission for him to come away with us which I was hesitant about.

We got here Monday afternoon (myself, partner, partners brother and our 2 year old twins) and the twins have just turned 2 so while they're gorgeous they're wild and don't sit still

His brother wants partners attention all the time, i’d understand spending the odd time just the two of them but its constant. It feels like my partner and his brother are having their own holiday and I'm stick with 2 toddlers

If we're walking somewhere he wants to walk next to him, if one of the twins say daddy his brother his already saying his name for something else, if partner is doing something with the twins such as feeding them or holding them or playing with them etc he wants partner that minute and if partner is busy with the DC he'll say his name over and over again and start sighing and huffing and say things like “you're not listening to me” or “forget it then”

I know he wants his big brother and I'm not jealous of a 14 year old or anything but it's how partner never says no to him, uestedsy we were meant to go to the beach together but his brother wanted food even though we'd just eaten but partner gave in and they were gone for an hour whilst I was left with 2 toddlers

Today we were walking and one DC wanted to walk instead of the buggy but tripped and of course he cried so whilst DP was comforting him his brother wanted DP’s attention but just to point something he'd seen out, because DP didn't answer straight away he said his name over and over again and shouted at him “why are you ignoring me” “you always do this” and stormed off to the arcade so then DP had to follow him and left our crying toddler which sounds dramatic I know but DC wanted him to cuddle him. They were gone a while too and I've just came back to our airbnb

AIBU to feel he's prioritising his brother over us?

Have you spoken to your partner about what’s going on and how the rest of the holiday will look? You’re getting an extremely hard time from a lot of posters. You matter too. Your children matter too. It’s supposed to be a family holiday for the 4 of you which his brother is joining. You’re entirely reasonable to feel disappointed and put out that it’s now a boys trip and a you and your twins trip which you might not have agreed to in the first place. It’s so easy for the self righteous mob to scream from the sidelines. Most people in your shoes right now would be gutted at how it’s going.

14 yr old has been abandoned by his family so he will hold on very tightly to his brother and will definitely feel troubled let down and be demanding.
I personally think its up to your partner to talk to him and say " look we love you we want will always be here for you but we are a family and familys dont demand I think it needs professional help or he will just go off the rails he sounds angry at the world around him and quite rightly so .

I cant imagine how traumatised this boy is. He has literally no family except your husband. Being in care is a major adverse life factor and hugely traumatising.

You need to see beyond the day to day issue here. Your husband was not wise to try and combine this but im sure his intentions were good.

Is he considering taking a more parental role? I think he needs to ve very careful how he cares for his brother who needs clear and calm relationship not stress and sharing attention with 2 year olds.

But he’s a vulnerable 14 year old with what sounds like a lifetime of abandonment and insecure attachment. He’s every bit as vulnerable as the 2 year olds, possibly even more so

this, posters have been awful to op.

I'd be gutted if my holiday went this way, absolutely. But I wouldn't expect more from a traumatised 14 year old - this young man is behaving exactly how anyone should expect him to.

In future if it's financially doable I'd suggest separating holidays so the brothers can have dedicated time and OP and DP can have an actual holiday.

Agreed.

The boy has had a shit life by the sounds of it.

Cut him some slack.

Can you spend some time with him to give your partner some time with the toddlers ?

Sounds to me like the boy is trying to keep his older brother close so he doesn't leave him too.

Xx.