To be annoyed partner is prioritising his brother over us on holiday

[CosmicVibe]

I feel awful typing this as he's had a difficult life but I'm getting fed up now. My partners brother is 14 and he lives in a residential care home and has down for 2 years since his foster care placement broke down. My partner is the only family member he has contact with. their mum is neglectful and partner only had supervised contact with her growing up (but he lived with his dad so he avoided care).

He constantly runs away from his placement and a month or so ago he went missing overnight after he came to ours and partner said he had to inform his social worker he then ran off but despite this she gave permission for him to come away with us which I was hesitant about.

We got here Monday afternoon (myself, partner, partners brother and our 2 year old twins) and the twins have just turned 2 so while they're gorgeous they're wild and don't sit still

His brother wants partners attention all the time, i’d understand spending the odd time just the two of them but its constant. It feels like my partner and his brother are having their own holiday and I'm stick with 2 toddlers

If we're walking somewhere he wants to walk next to him, if one of the twins say daddy his brother his already saying his name for something else, if partner is doing something with the twins such as feeding them or holding them or playing with them etc he wants partner that minute and if partner is busy with the DC he'll say his name over and over again and start sighing and huffing and say things like “you're not listening to me” or “forget it then”

I know he wants his big brother and I'm not jealous of a 14 year old or anything but it's how partner never says no to him, uestedsy we were meant to go to the beach together but his brother wanted food even though we'd just eaten but partner gave in and they were gone for an hour whilst I was left with 2 toddlers

Today we were walking and one DC wanted to walk instead of the buggy but tripped and of course he cried so whilst DP was comforting him his brother wanted DP’s attention but just to point something he'd seen out, because DP didn't answer straight away he said his name over and over again and shouted at him “why are you ignoring me” “you always do this” and stormed off to the arcade so then DP had to follow him and left our crying toddler which sounds dramatic I know but DC wanted him to cuddle him. They were gone a while too and I've just came back to our airbnb

AIBU to feel he's prioritising his brother over us?

Why can't he live with you.

And? Foster care for teens is horrific. This boy has a family and should be with them.

And that could easily be a reason why they wouldn't have got through the assessment. It's quite common, despite the horror of foster care for teens, for SS not to want to want them placed in a home with younger children. Your stance is very premature when you've no idea what any assessment might've said.

It’s a tough one I really feel sorry for this boy and the only person who loves him back is his brother . He isn’t doing anything wrong attending to his brother but having 2 toddlers is also hard work and they also need him

This is true. A friend of mine used to foster and social services never placed children with her who were older than her own kids, it’s a recipe for disaster apparently. Pretty sure they try to place children with relatives instead of in foster care or homes but that isn’t always possible for a multitude of reasons.

The poor brother, he has literally no one in his life who loves him. Yes, his behaviour is not ok, but he's a very damaged kid.
Your husband is in a very difficult position. He has to look after his brother however can. Your twins are lucky to have a loving mum and dad.
It's only for a week, cut the guy some slack.

Sounds normal. We've a teenage kinship care situation in my own extended family and honestly, SS were pretty choosy over the whole thing.

This is a really good idea….x

I understand where you’re coming from but my heart goes out to this young boy. My DD is 12 and I can’t imagine how she’d be coping if both my DH and I had effectively abandoned her. 14 is so hard even if the family context is stable. It sounds like he just wants to be someone’s priority, needs to be able to rely on someone as being present for him and being a reliable constant. There’s mention of parents, a DP, foster care and residential. That’s so much change for anyone to go through, never mind someone so young. No sense of stability, of feeling important or loved. Those are terrible burdens to carry. Your DP is being pulled in two directions and it sounds like his brother needs him. You’re not unreasonable to feel the way you do as of course you’d prefer his attention to be with you and the twins, but all things considered he’s doing what he feels is right and I have to say I agree with him.

Being taken in by his brother and sister in law and then returned to care because they couldn't cope would be worse than being his stable adults unwaveringly and providing regular, reliable contact whilst he lives in the residential setting.

Big empty sentimental gestures aren't what this boy needs - he needs emotional security. The OP is very clearly not in a place to take him in permanently and that's okay - it's better to know that and be honest than be another parent figure who takes him in and can't cope and has to send him back to care.

Taking this 14 year old in would be more difficult than most people can imagine and really he should be the only or youngest child in any family that takes him in. A placement with kin carers who have their own very small children is very, very likely to fail and cause further damage to this very vulnerable boy.

Even a teenage foster child who has previously had stable attachment and lost their parent through something that's nobody's fault will be very challenging for a solid year (or sometimes initially very compliant and "grateful" and then very challenging) - it's normal. This boy has never had security so will be far more challenging to parent. He doesn't just need a roof, meals and a warm bed, he will push and push and challenge and challenge - he won't feel safe until he's really tested the boundaries of his brother's unconditional acceptance.

It's not for the faint hearted or anyone not absolutely, 100% commited and realistic about what's coming. It will also affect the other children in the household.

I have all the sympathy for this boy, but the OP naively taking him in despite reservations and not really knowing what they're doing would not be in his best interests as it would destroy the relationship between the brothers if the placement failed.

Well op you sound nice. ….. oh wait

Was there no potential for your partner to foster him? I know that no one has to help their family, but I think I'd struggle to have children with a man who left his young sibling in care unless there was a really good reason as to why offering him a home was impossible.

Anyway, he sounds deeply troubled and probably really he needs his brother right now. Prioritising him on holiday is completely understandable. Your twins are fine, they are with their mum (and the same would be true if your DP was caring for them primarily whilst you concentrated on a loved one in need). It might be harder for you, but honestly I think you should suck it up given the circumstances.

Can this poor kid not move in with your family?

I'm sure that if he has a loving family the clinginess will settle down.

Dh is giving into his constant tantrums and feeding the behaviour. It's understandable why the brother is messed up and attention seeking but he needs structure, boundaries and consistency to become a decent adult.

14yo painting something out shouldn't come above a toddler whose fallen down regardless of relationship intricacies.

He needs sitting down and talking to. At 14 he can understand 2 toddlers need immediate attention and lots of it. I'd explain that you all want lots of family holidays with him in the future but it won't be happening if he's being such a little shite.

He's welcome on the holiday as a brother and an uncle but not as a third toddler. No running off and tantrummjng when he doesn't get what he wants immediately.

Because maybe the boy is violent and aggressive? And maybe the OP wants a fighting chance at a normal family life. To which she is entitled. Written by an adoptive parent twice over who has saved the state in excess of £500,000 a year for two adoptive children. And I would never recommend fostering or adoption to anyone.

Why on earth would you answer question to theop? There is no indication he is violent and agrressive

Remember also that the brother will be emotionally stunted. He hasn’t had the nurturing of a home. He may well be stuck with his two year old brain screaming that he’s been abandoned which is the most terrifying thing for a child. Which may explain his inability to wait five seconds.
If you look at him as an emotionally disabled, hormonally challenged teen you would probably find it easier to let your husband deal with him and you do the twins. Sounds hard.

Where does OP say he is violent and aggressive?

I really dont know why people make things up on here. Whats the point of this?

I was giving an example as to why the OP might legit not want to take in the boy.

It sounds like this child has had a difficult and traumatic history. He is likely competing for his brothers attention because of this and likely attachment difficulties.

children like your BIL seek reassurance and proximity because they fear being left or rejected and are often hyper-vigilant to perceived rejection or someone pulling away.

He may consciously or unconsciously feel resentful that your children have two loving parents and a stable home and he does not.

He’s probably not meaning to be difficult but his behaviour is communicating his struggles and he needs love, compassion and acceptance.

I understand it’s difficult for you @CosmicVibebut it’s a really positive thing that your partner wants to be a consistent person in his life as he really needs this.

Most people dont want to take other peoples children in, there doesnt have to be any extreme reason. He may well have challenging behaviour, it wouldnt be unusual. But OP hasnt said this. So dont make things up

My partner was still under 18 himself when his brother went into care so it wasn't possible to have him and they don't have the same dad. His brother did have sort of a long term foster family which broke down due to their circumstances and then he had a few short ones before he went into the residential care home 2 years ago
He does see a lot of my partner, partner takes him to watch football matches even though he doesn't really care about football but he does it for his brother he fakes him to the cinema etc. He stays over whenever possible and agreed with his social worker

He didn't run off earlier, he walked off in the direction of the arcade

Yes you are being unreasonable, he's a troubled 14 year old in care.

I think separate holidays would be the answer. Your dp goes with his brother once in a while and you have a family holiday the four of you. His brother clearly needs time with dp and that is fair enough all things considered.