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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

PSA: never give a guy you're not married to or the mother of a massive sum of money

122 replies

CurdinHenry · 13/07/2026 14:07

Double not if you've only "met" him online

Scared by how many smart and brilliant women fall for this and even end up in debt to give money to some random guy on the back of a sob story

Never ever ever, ok?

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 13/07/2026 19:12

ThatCyanCat · 13/07/2026 19:10

Why should anyone have to "own" being a victim of a horrible manipulative crime?

They willingly gave their money away. That is not a crime.

ThatCyanCat · 13/07/2026 19:14

WallaceinAnderland · 13/07/2026 19:12

They willingly gave their money away. That is not a crime.

Of course it's not a crime to be a victim of a crime and the whole point is that they wouldn't have given it away if they'd been told the truth!

Great username. You do sound like you beamed in from Wonderland with that logic.

WallaceinAnderland · 13/07/2026 19:15

ThatCyanCat · 13/07/2026 19:14

Of course it's not a crime to be a victim of a crime and the whole point is that they wouldn't have given it away if they'd been told the truth!

Great username. You do sound like you beamed in from Wonderland with that logic.

Lying is not a crime either.

BeSharpHelper · 13/07/2026 19:20

I don’t think it’s kindness, loneliness or stupidity , it’s vanity, lust, or greed. The scam story is never ‘ im really poor and need help’ it’s mostly , ‘I’ve got loads of money and if you help me out with this temporary issue we can share my wedges of cash ‘ they all think they are going to get either financial Compensation or a decent shag off someone 30 years younger and way out of their league. And then they claim their money back off the bank, often after being warned by the bank. Most of them are thwarted sex tourists .

notatinydancer · 13/07/2026 19:22

KittytheHare · 13/07/2026 14:09

Gosh thanks for warning me! I was just about to remortgage my house because my online friend Brad Pitt is having some liquidity problems.

People fall for it every day though.

ThatCyanCat · 13/07/2026 19:25

WallaceinAnderland · 13/07/2026 19:15

Lying is not a crime either.

Over egged it. Kids need to learn to quit while they're ahead.

QuintadosMalvados · 13/07/2026 20:53

BeSharpHelper · 13/07/2026 19:20

I don’t think it’s kindness, loneliness or stupidity , it’s vanity, lust, or greed. The scam story is never ‘ im really poor and need help’ it’s mostly , ‘I’ve got loads of money and if you help me out with this temporary issue we can share my wedges of cash ‘ they all think they are going to get either financial Compensation or a decent shag off someone 30 years younger and way out of their league. And then they claim their money back off the bank, often after being warned by the bank. Most of them are thwarted sex tourists .

I'm hoping I don't get too much grief for saying the following but I think this is partially due to the 'beautiful at any age',
'you're worth it' culture we're now living in.

I mean don't get me wrong women have worth beyond sex appeal and looks and can be 'beautiful' at any age but I'm just talking about the raw sex appeal that younger women have.
And that's OK, nature's designed it this way.
I am OK with this, it's their time to shine now.

To me it's ludicrous that a man half my age would choose me over a woman his own age.
I just can't fathom it at all.
Dating is a marketplace in a sense. Sorry to sound harsh.

So you've now got women believing they're 'worth it' and can compete with that 25-year-old girl even though they're 50 and that much younger men will choose them over other options and you have the Internet, and women with more money to spend.

A cocktail ripe for exploitation.

ThatCyanCat · 13/07/2026 21:44

QuintadosMalvados · 13/07/2026 20:53

I'm hoping I don't get too much grief for saying the following but I think this is partially due to the 'beautiful at any age',
'you're worth it' culture we're now living in.

I mean don't get me wrong women have worth beyond sex appeal and looks and can be 'beautiful' at any age but I'm just talking about the raw sex appeal that younger women have.
And that's OK, nature's designed it this way.
I am OK with this, it's their time to shine now.

To me it's ludicrous that a man half my age would choose me over a woman his own age.
I just can't fathom it at all.
Dating is a marketplace in a sense. Sorry to sound harsh.

So you've now got women believing they're 'worth it' and can compete with that 25-year-old girl even though they're 50 and that much younger men will choose them over other options and you have the Internet, and women with more money to spend.

A cocktail ripe for exploitation.

I was reading stories like this in trashy magazines in the 90s, including older women and younger men, and I'm sure it wasn't new then either. Honeytraps of any kind aren't a modern thing.

JHound · 13/07/2026 21:45

QuintadosMalvados · 13/07/2026 20:53

I'm hoping I don't get too much grief for saying the following but I think this is partially due to the 'beautiful at any age',
'you're worth it' culture we're now living in.

I mean don't get me wrong women have worth beyond sex appeal and looks and can be 'beautiful' at any age but I'm just talking about the raw sex appeal that younger women have.
And that's OK, nature's designed it this way.
I am OK with this, it's their time to shine now.

To me it's ludicrous that a man half my age would choose me over a woman his own age.
I just can't fathom it at all.
Dating is a marketplace in a sense. Sorry to sound harsh.

So you've now got women believing they're 'worth it' and can compete with that 25-year-old girl even though they're 50 and that much younger men will choose them over other options and you have the Internet, and women with more money to spend.

A cocktail ripe for exploitation.

I would find it equally stupid if a 25 year old woman fell for this nonsense.

Chiaseedling · 13/07/2026 21:52

Not this way, but my then-vulnerable DS was duped by a friend who manipulated him and pitted him against his us. DS is highly intelligent academically , but at time he had some MH issues and didn’t feel he was close his friendship group and was essentially ‘groomed’.
It’s def to do with loneliness and wanting to believe you’re in a relationship. I mean it sounds ridiculous, but so many people get caught out. The scan tends to go on for a number of months/years so trust is gained.

ThatCyanCat · 13/07/2026 21:56

Lots of people enter real life relationships with users where they get fleeced and done over thanks to lies and manipulation and put up with it for years after the user has shown their true colours. Are they also stupid, vain and the rest of it?

LaliqueSaltGrinder · 14/07/2026 08:08

You have the full facts though if you are in a real life relationship with someone. They might be fleecing you for your money but you have the real flesh and bone person in front of you, know where they work, what their name is, how old they are and the rest of it. We are talking about the people who are "in love" with Mike, the US surgeon doing humanitarian work in Syria, who is actually not even one person, it's a group of scammers based in the Philippines, Bangladesh or Ghana. Totally different.

ThatCyanCat · 14/07/2026 08:10

LaliqueSaltGrinder · 14/07/2026 08:08

You have the full facts though if you are in a real life relationship with someone. They might be fleecing you for your money but you have the real flesh and bone person in front of you, know where they work, what their name is, how old they are and the rest of it. We are talking about the people who are "in love" with Mike, the US surgeon doing humanitarian work in Syria, who is actually not even one person, it's a group of scammers based in the Philippines, Bangladesh or Ghana. Totally different.

You have the full facts though if you are in a real life relationship with someone.

Does that not make it even more stupid?

Youspurnme · 14/07/2026 12:44

Luckily I’m too skint to lend Brad any money 😁

JHound · 14/07/2026 13:00

ThatCyanCat · 13/07/2026 21:56

Lots of people enter real life relationships with users where they get fleeced and done over thanks to lies and manipulation and put up with it for years after the user has shown their true colours. Are they also stupid, vain and the rest of it?

I think there are clearly different levels to scams. Yes I think anybody can be a victim but somebody fall for the simplest scams due to breathtaking stupidity and gullibility (and in some cases greed).

ThatCyanCat · 14/07/2026 13:12

JHound · 14/07/2026 13:00

I think there are clearly different levels to scams. Yes I think anybody can be a victim but somebody fall for the simplest scams due to breathtaking stupidity and gullibility (and in some cases greed).

Edited

I am sure that if we studied every single person who ever fell for a scam, we could find some people who had exhibited shocking lack of judgement even at the very early stages. I do think that there's a good chance that someone who hands over their card details immediately after receiving a message from a Nigerian prince has additional needs that I wouldn't like to dismiss as "stupidity".

On the whole, though, it is simply not how they function. People like to think it is because then they can tell themselves they're safe because they're too clever ever to be fooled; some woman on here once said she'd never be targeted because she likes to read and backpack, which is, ironically, a really unintelligent take.

There's usually vulnerability in the mix, something causing the balance of the mind to be disturbed - timing really can be everything, you could be very susceptible to something at a given moment that wouldn't normally hook you - and exploitation of traits normally considered to be good. Women who give a load of money to scammers clearly aren't gold diggers; in fact, they're often pressured to do it to prove they aren't. I mentioned a woman I know upthread who really wants to be a good and nice person and she's not stupid, she's just very susceptible to the idea of "doing good". It's rarely vanity either; women don't fork out tons of cash because it makes them feel desirable. They are groomed and often coerced into it. Some of these scams are very complex psychologically.

And so it is that if being fooled by a scammer makes you thick, it really must follow that it's even more stupid to keep on handing over cash (and time, and sex, and acts of service) to some fucking arsehole who's not even pretending to be a billionaire who's going to make it worth your while. But it's not. They are using psychological tricks and preying on vulnerability, and that's what scammers do too.

MaturingCheeseball · 14/07/2026 13:38

I totally agree that being taken in by a real-life scammer is very different from being duped by an online fraudster. These will play the long game and prey on vulnerabilities (eg that older secretly gay schoolmaster who was the mark of a young man who poisoned him).

As an ordinary middle-aged woman why on earth would I even begin to imagine that a 5* bloke would choose me when he could have his pick of anyone? I just don’t get it. And many of these women are not exactly former supermodels either.

I agree with a pp that they are fondly imagining being whisked off by private jet to Hawaii, so what’s a loan of a few thousand if it gets to seal the deal.

JHound · 14/07/2026 13:43

ThatCyanCat · 14/07/2026 13:12

I am sure that if we studied every single person who ever fell for a scam, we could find some people who had exhibited shocking lack of judgement even at the very early stages. I do think that there's a good chance that someone who hands over their card details immediately after receiving a message from a Nigerian prince has additional needs that I wouldn't like to dismiss as "stupidity".

On the whole, though, it is simply not how they function. People like to think it is because then they can tell themselves they're safe because they're too clever ever to be fooled; some woman on here once said she'd never be targeted because she likes to read and backpack, which is, ironically, a really unintelligent take.

There's usually vulnerability in the mix, something causing the balance of the mind to be disturbed - timing really can be everything, you could be very susceptible to something at a given moment that wouldn't normally hook you - and exploitation of traits normally considered to be good. Women who give a load of money to scammers clearly aren't gold diggers; in fact, they're often pressured to do it to prove they aren't. I mentioned a woman I know upthread who really wants to be a good and nice person and she's not stupid, she's just very susceptible to the idea of "doing good". It's rarely vanity either; women don't fork out tons of cash because it makes them feel desirable. They are groomed and often coerced into it. Some of these scams are very complex psychologically.

And so it is that if being fooled by a scammer makes you thick, it really must follow that it's even more stupid to keep on handing over cash (and time, and sex, and acts of service) to some fucking arsehole who's not even pretending to be a billionaire who's going to make it worth your while. But it's not. They are using psychological tricks and preying on vulnerability, and that's what scammers do too.

Have you given money to somebody you have never met who lives overseas?

Dweetfidilove · 14/07/2026 13:48

This is relationship 101 where I'm from. There's literally a name for women who finance men; which is likely unacceptable here.

I didn't properly realise women were so generous, until I started reading UK magazines in my late teens.

ThatCyanCat · 14/07/2026 13:56

JHound · 14/07/2026 13:43

Have you given money to somebody you have never met who lives overseas?

No, but I have done other stupid things when in a bad and vulnerable place.

MidnightMeltdown · 14/07/2026 14:43

MaturingCheeseball · 13/07/2026 17:07

But what explains women (or men if sexes reversed) thinking that they could possibly be attractive to a man seismically out of their league in both looks and lifestyle?

To be fair, it isn’t all that unusual for couples to be mismatched. I’ve often looked at couples and thought, how the hell did X manage to pull Y.

Brad Pitt would be a pretty extreme example though! 😆

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/07/2026 14:48

I’m about 60k down after I trusted a guy who seemed ‘so nice’
(part of that is loss of earnings for maternity leave and paying nursery fees alone. A lot is paying for holidays and new cars and meals it to cheer him up!£

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