AIBU to find later-life loved-up social media posts performative?

[LumenLights]

I’ve just been looking at an old work friend’s social media. She’s in her mid-50s and she’s just married a man she’s been seeing for a couple of years. Before this she was married around 25 years ago to the father of her children and then was in a long term relationship with another man and was stepmother to his adult children.

I am happy for her and I hope she’s happy - everyone deserves companionship and I understand the wish for a new start once your children are grown up.

But her page is full of loved-up pictures of the two of them together, posts talking about their new life together, updates on their days out, photos of meals out together, her sending birthday messages to his parents and children, months of wedding planning, a countdown to the big day, calling herself “Mrs X” at every opportunity.

I’ve noticed similar over the last two or three years of women in a similar stage of life - those who have adult children and who have had previous serious relationships - behaving online as if they are 16 and head over heels in love with their first boyfriend. It reminds me of being in school and holding hands in the playground.

Am I alone and miserable and unreasonable in just not believing it? To think that relationships once you’ve already been in relationships are just not that exciting? I just can’t buy that they are so giddy to be going on holiday together when they’ve spent the last 30 years going on holiday with a partner, albeit a different partner. It feels so false and performative and juvenile.

It’s as if suddenly these women who have good jobs and decent adult children suddenly feel the need to be defined as “someone’s wife”.

But why shouldn't she have 4 soulmates? I dont understand why it needs to be so neat and everyone only gets 1 forever when we change so much over a life time. We have different needs at different ages.

Id bloody live someone to be telling the world about how happy they are to have found me at 40/50/65/77 its a different kind of exciting maybe to a first love. But why not be Joyful about love. Its one of the best things about life surely that we get to love?

Well my first husband most definitely was not my "soulmate". We don't always find them first time around!!

She should write #thirdsoulmate

@EmailsaysOOO Like I say, I've been married twice. My first husband was absolutely not my #soulmate!! More like #falsestart!

@Cheeseandolivesplease lol 😂

Don't be mean. It's lovely they feel like that, even though it can be hard to see if you're not there yourself. I would love to find a relationship with someone wonderful in my fifties, however I'm old and jaded enough now to know that nothing is worth betting my happiness on an unworthy man. If someone comes along though....

IME the more performative and loved up the posts on social media are the more I think “who are you trying to convince?”

I’ve seen far too many of these relationships where people are all loved up publicly, “my soulmate/true love/happiness is forever mine” and whatever other stuff they spout, the more the relationship is falling apart in private, but they’re not yet ready to face it.

Especially with the 3rd and 4th marriages it’s clear that they’ve had so many fucked up relationships and bad judgements that they have to convince the world that this one is for keeps. Because they know that nobody takes them seriously once they’re on to their 4th marriage, or believes for a second that it’s going to last.

I’ve known plenty of couples who have put on quite the public show, valentines extravagances, loved up social media posts, while in private and to their closest friends they don’t waste a minute in telling them how much they hate their life.

So yeah. The more loved up the social media bollocks the more I’m convinced that it won’t last.

Aw, you’re my kind of people @JabbaTheBeachHut

So sorry for the loss of your DHusband 🫂

Same here. Remarried late 40s. I may have been guilty of some social media posts but let's hope the OP isn't one of my friends eh.

No more performative than anyone else, though you might say younger ones have an excuse as they didn't know the days when you could check into an airport without posting.
It does seem sad if they've abandoned their family and are doing it, but if the ex abandoned them, why shouldn't they? Yes women can have jobs (as anyone 50 probably always has had-it's an older generation of women who didn't get the right to have a job) but few would call their job as meaningful as a good marriage. Kids are obviously very important, but once they're grown up, they're usually off living their own lives so you can't arrange your life round them.

I love seeing my mid life second time around friends loved up and happy. What’s not to like?

I do occasionally post photos of myself and my (second) husband on FB (yes, I'm that old!)
Tbh I would find being a Mrs Hisname more performative! All that Mr and Mrs stuff?! Not for me.

Yeah. There is very little more irritating in life than seeing your friends happy.

This is why I quit social media apart from mumsnet . It’s absolute shite and so fake and performative. I remember a few incidents over the years one woman I knew in particular who was always posting about how much she loved her partner and vice versa and posting actual photographer shoots of the two of them together in scenic places , turned out he was actually abusing her behind closed doors and they broke up . Another girl I knew posted “I love you so much “ about her boyfriend and a week later they broke up . I don’t think it’s “later in life “ there are people of every age group doing stuff like this

This is not remotely the same thing.

The OP describes a woman in her 50s who is in her 3rd in over 25 years long term relationship. No young kids, no constant swapping partners.

How very dare she. Divorced women should sit at home wearing black and being miserable and not inflict their past-childbearing-age happiness on the rest of society. Its the only decent thing to do.

They are trying to prove something i guess, insecurities!

Once is unlucky. Twice is poor choices. Three is just being a fool and four well then he is the fool.

Unless all your soulmates die and well then I’d still call number 3 and 4 idiots for marrying the husband killer 🤣

Maybe by three and four learn that you might love them but you’ve cried soul Mate love of my life many times before and now it’s a case of welcome back to those I’ve seen at the previous weddings and hello to the new faces 👋

I agree. I know someone on DH3 with such social media posts. Yes, I know I sound very judgemental…
anyone over the age of 20 talking about their soulmate is v cringe

I find them performative no matter the age tbh OP
Especially the pregnancy or engagement announcements 🤮 I saw someone announce they were “half baked” in their pregnancy announcement and they decorated it with baking equipment

Well aren’t you a joy? 🙄

I don't see a 'soulmate' as a one-time thing; I see it as a partner who touches your soul. Friends can do the same.

I wonder if there is a way of measuring the length of relationships by how much performative nonsense there is (or not).