AIBU to find later-life loved-up social media posts performative?

[LumenLights]

I’ve just been looking at an old work friend’s social media. She’s in her mid-50s and she’s just married a man she’s been seeing for a couple of years. Before this she was married around 25 years ago to the father of her children and then was in a long term relationship with another man and was stepmother to his adult children.

I am happy for her and I hope she’s happy - everyone deserves companionship and I understand the wish for a new start once your children are grown up.

But her page is full of loved-up pictures of the two of them together, posts talking about their new life together, updates on their days out, photos of meals out together, her sending birthday messages to his parents and children, months of wedding planning, a countdown to the big day, calling herself “Mrs X” at every opportunity.

I’ve noticed similar over the last two or three years of women in a similar stage of life - those who have adult children and who have had previous serious relationships - behaving online as if they are 16 and head over heels in love with their first boyfriend. It reminds me of being in school and holding hands in the playground.

Am I alone and miserable and unreasonable in just not believing it? To think that relationships once you’ve already been in relationships are just not that exciting? I just can’t buy that they are so giddy to be going on holiday together when they’ve spent the last 30 years going on holiday with a partner, albeit a different partner. It feels so false and performative and juvenile.

It’s as if suddenly these women who have good jobs and decent adult children suddenly feel the need to be defined as “someone’s wife”.

Exactly. I find the people who are the happiest are just getting on with living life, not trying to convince themselves or others

All SM is performative but I think what you're getting at is the gushing teenage-like posts. And I agree it just comes over as fake or just incredibly immature and OTT.

I love people being happy but you can post about being happy without it sounding like a Twilight novel or a teenager in their first relationship.

I know someone in their 50s, married for almost 30 years then an acrimonious divorce who within 6 weeks of meeting a new man was posting posed pictures of her nuzzling against his chest saying 'when he first held me it was like my heart took its first breath'. Saying they were soulmates, he was her King and she was his Queen and it was just a lot for someone her age who'd previously been married and a bit disrespectful to her adult DC.

Same as I roll my eyes at people in their 50s posting about how drunk they were at some event and what an amazing time it was though they can't remember all of it ha ha ha.

You can get away with it in your teens or 20s or even early 30z but at some stage you need to act like a grown up who has experienced life.

I can understand why you’ve all assumed I’m bitter and jealous, but I’m really not envious of any of these relationships. I’ll admit there are some people who have lives I am very jealous of, however!

I also know a lot of women who have entered relationships in their 40s and 50s who don’t behave like this. They couple up and continue to do their own thing but also do things together, and they’re not defined by their relationship. It feels like in the case with my acquaintance that they can’t be alone together. I’ve seen other posters on here deride young couples by saying they’re “playing house” and I always think it’s really patronising. Perhaps I’m being a hypocrite by thinking the same when it’s an older couple.

I think it’s the “joined at the hip” and “must be together at all times” aspect that I find difficult to buy into. It can be anywhere between sickly and sweet when it’s a young couple in love but I’ve always thought it’s the sort of thing you grow out of by the time you’re a grandparent.

Yes, this is what I’m talking about. I also think it’s the acting as if this is a long-established relationship when in reality you barely know each other.

I can understand why you’ve all assumed I’m bitter and jealous, but I’m really not envious of any of these relationships.

You don't sound jealous or envious to me.

Just eaten up with bitterness, sadly.

Gushy posts illicit no more than an eye-roll from most people when they're happy in themselves.

I just got married for the second time at 49. I did an instagram video of it, and maybe that's preformative, but I do alot of Instagram videos and when I am feeling that work is difficult or life is getting me down, I watch the videos and they make me very happy. I never posted in my first marriage, because I wasn't very happy! I had a miserable ExH who was a serial cheater and when he wasn't cheating he was at the golf course. So I was on my own a lot. I had friends but they all had their own lives too. Things are very different now and I really enjoy my weekends and sometimes post about them. I agree with previous posters that my relationship is far more interesting and exciting now.

It’s not just later life people, I cringe at anyone doing the performative Facebook posts to their loved one. I never understand why people need to ‘prove’ their love on social media, just tell them.

i completely understand what they are doing, especially if their last long relationship was absolutely torture and they never thought they would be able to escape or be happy again. I would argue that in this case, they would be even happier than a teenager because they appreciate a good relationship now and have so much more information.

I feel life is for living and celebrate happiness at every opportunity! However I also think that this relationship might not last either, the stats are against them. But I wouldn’t begrudge them celebrating their happiness in later life at all.

What this comes down to is: do you actually like your supposed friends?

Loved-up social media posts are not my thing but if someone I genuinely like posts one, why would I be anything but happy for her or him?

If it annoyed me - and they have in the past - it'd be an indication that I didn't actually like that person much in the first place. Which made it my fault for being friends with them on social media to start with.

Are you the kind of person who also thinks people should have grown up and grown out of anything fun by the time they're 30? The kind of person who tuts at the idea of 30-somethings let alone 40-somethings going to a club or having a night out.

My husband and I are pretty much joined at the hip. I do go to a book club once a month and a couple of sewing socials a week. Other than that now that I’m retired (from a highly successful professional career), I am with him. I am no wimpy woman. I am a vocal feminist and highly political generally (as is he), but I adore him. He adores me and we love being together. We met each other late, when I came out of a 29 year marriage and he came out of a 31 one to the wrong people. We have now been together 18 years and our early enthusiasm for each other has not worn off.

I’m not sorry if this sort of thing offends you. I think you should take your judgement, bugger off with it and stop winging about other people’s choices.

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Am I alone and miserable and unreasonable in just not believing it? To think that relationships once you’ve already been in relationships are just not that exciting? I just can’t buy that they are so giddy to be going on holiday together when they’ve spent the last 30 years going on holiday with a partner, albeit a different partner.

Yes OP, that’s the whole point. Finding someone who you just click with, especially later in life, is very believable. You do sound quite the misery guts. Just scroll by, why do you want to think it’s all a lie? In comparison to the miserable old git I used to be in a relationship with, my current partner of 28 years is fantastic. The fun we’re having. I may actually be quite giddy myself.

18 years, not 28!

Yes! When someone posts happy birthday to their DH or DW on Facebook (or other social media), I always wonder why they feel the need to do that when they can presumably wish them happy birthday in person — although I do then remind myself that I really like receiving cards and the same could be of those…

I think that is unkind and bordering on bitterness .Surely everyone no matter how many RL they have been in deserve happiness ? I personally like to see posts with people showing their happiness together.Well earnt in many ways

What lovely news!!! Congratulations xx

Why would you care? I think it is fantastic that two
people, who may have had previous relationships that didn’t work out for whatever reason. Now they have found someone they love and who loves them, they can shout if from the rooftops, if is makes them happy!

Are you saying you find young love fine but not older love? If so that’s ageist.

DH and I are quite loved up despite having been married 36 years, but I don’t gush on social media about it!

It’s social media: it’s all performative.

Most couples I see with the most loved up posts are miserable in reality. My sister would do this while telling me over drinks that she was looking to leave her husband. A friend of mine told me her Christmas was ruined by her husband’s drinking but Instagram was ablaze with picture perfect snaps!

I think all social media coupley shit is cringey and odd, unless you're very young and don't know any better

Well I've been married twice, but only truly in love once (luckily with my second husband!!) It took me to my late 30s to find true happiness and respect after a really awful time. So yes, it is rather exciting and I am grateful for my husband every day (in a way that perhaps I wouldnt have been if my life would have been plain sailing in the first place).
We got married later in life - both in our 40s - so we make a point of enjoying our anniversaries as much as possible. Because, not wishing to sound morbid, we're not going to be alive for most of the major ones! 😆
I'm definitely not a Mrs or HisName though; far too mature for that nowadays.

What a nasty post. Let them be happy and if it pisses you off that much just unfriend on social media.

The length of the relationship will be inversely proportional to the amount of fuss made by the couple.

All social media is performative.

It does make me laugh though if you see a couple in their 50s or older, you can just tell when it's a second (or third etc) relationship.

On A Place in the Sun, you can spot a mile off the newlywed couples.

I mean, who would walk round in the blistering heat looking at houses whilst holding hands 😂

I'm all for it tbh. My mum remarried in her 60s after being widowed for years and they had a wonderful time travelling the globe until sadly he passed away.

As a woman of a similar age to your friend, I also think she's nuts.

No man is the answer to life. If you're having a fab time and he happens to be involved, fair enough. It's not because of him though. It's despite him. And if you've never been head over heels in love, and it happens at an older age, also fair enough (I have a friend like this). We all hope for a love like that at some point.

But after several LTR? No.