AIBU to find later-life loved-up social media posts performative?

[LumenLights]

I’ve just been looking at an old work friend’s social media. She’s in her mid-50s and she’s just married a man she’s been seeing for a couple of years. Before this she was married around 25 years ago to the father of her children and then was in a long term relationship with another man and was stepmother to his adult children.

I am happy for her and I hope she’s happy - everyone deserves companionship and I understand the wish for a new start once your children are grown up.

But her page is full of loved-up pictures of the two of them together, posts talking about their new life together, updates on their days out, photos of meals out together, her sending birthday messages to his parents and children, months of wedding planning, a countdown to the big day, calling herself “Mrs X” at every opportunity.

I’ve noticed similar over the last two or three years of women in a similar stage of life - those who have adult children and who have had previous serious relationships - behaving online as if they are 16 and head over heels in love with their first boyfriend. It reminds me of being in school and holding hands in the playground.

Am I alone and miserable and unreasonable in just not believing it? To think that relationships once you’ve already been in relationships are just not that exciting? I just can’t buy that they are so giddy to be going on holiday together when they’ve spent the last 30 years going on holiday with a partner, albeit a different partner. It feels so false and performative and juvenile.

It’s as if suddenly these women who have good jobs and decent adult children suddenly feel the need to be defined as “someone’s wife”.

All social media is performative.
Why can’t you just be glad that she appears to be happy after what sounds like a couple of failed relationships.
Every new relationship is exciting in one way or another. I’m not a fan of posting my life on the socials but if you are then why wouldn’t you post about this?

“Am I alone and miserable and unreasonable in just not believing it? To think that relationships once you’ve already been in relationships are just not that exciting?”

i think the complete opposite. I think when you’ve been in crap / failed relationships finding one that makes you happy must be wonderful and and absolute high. You’re 50, you’ve got your security, your house your money your career your kids - you’ve been through all the crap then life bestows some fun on you just as you can step back and enjoy it. Good for them.

i think the performative (which seems to be rolled out endlessly alll of a suddenly) accusation is just quite judgemental- like the worst thing ever is to be performative. Who cares? It’s harmless.

Being happy is not just the prerogative of the young. 🤷‍♀️

I think all loved up SM posts regardless of age are unseemly.

To think that relationships once you’ve already been in relationships are just not that exciting?

you are completley wrong there, they might very well be A LOT more exciting and a lot happier

and maybe your friends thought like you and are realising things are possible, and better than they ever thought.

Why can't you just be happy for them?They're not hurting anyone.

they are so giddy to be going on holiday together when they’ve spent the last 30 years going on holiday with a partner they wasted time having average holiday for 30 years and are now having the time of their life, what's not to be happy

I must also be a misery guts OP because I agree with you.
I know someone who has just married husband number 3 and puts #soulmate on her many many gushing posts about him. Funny thing is she used the same hashtag with husband number 2 so it's hard to take seriously.

All social media is performative as a pp.said, she is probably deliriously happy and having a lovely time with her new husband, honestly good for her, maybe you should just not look at her SM anymore it is making you miserable.

With all the absolute heinous shit that's going on in the world, why on earth would you be thinking anything other than 'ahh that's nice'?

Let alone start a thread about it?

"Am I alone and miserable and unreasonable in just not believing it?"

I don't know if you're alone (with this being Mumsnet) but you're certainly miserable.

You’re a miserable wagon @LumenLights

HTH 🤣

with the state this world is in atm, if a couple are happy, have just got married and are enjoying the moment, the novelty of marriage

FUCKING LET THEM!

fwiw, I got married 2 weeks ago to the man I’ve been with for the last 10 years, I’m almost 60, and the whole process of marriage, no matter how micro is still very emotional and moving.

it’s absolutely boosted our relationship. And yep even tho we’ve referred to each other has husband and wife for years, being MrsDH is a bit of a novelty

both of us have had some awful times in our lives and we bloody deserve all the happiness we can get to make up for it all.

It’s as if suddenly these women who have good jobs and decent adult children suddenly feel the need to be defined as “someone’s wife”.

I'd feel more sorry for you to be so bitter than anything else.

Women are not stuck forever in a bad relationships anymore, people change and they show they can find the perfect partner in their mid 50s. Surely that something to be cheerful about? You have a whole life ahead of you when you are middle-age?

If you don't like it then don't look at her SM page.

Congratulations to you both!!

Well considering someone I know had just married the 4th love of her life. Her 4th soulmate. Yeah.

It is performative.

There's no reason not to think it's very exciting, though. Doesn't mean it will last forever, doesn't mean it's not boring sometimes, but it is thrilling to find another human you think you might be able to get on with for the rest of your life, have sex, go on dates, hold hands, do nice things, especially if you have had a rough time and thought that was it on the romance front.

Annoying for others, but I have plenty of friends who report the same. The tarnish wears off everything after a couple of years, but that doesn't mean it isn't fun to fall in love when you are older.

I have a friend (in her 40s) who gets swept off her feet at the drop of a hat. I can’t keep up with her latest squeeze and the gushing posts, when she’s making them every two months about a different bloke who is “her one”.

But funniest of all was one that she was previously head over heels for, but turned out to be a bad wrongun. When her gushing post came up on her Facebook memories 12 months later, declaring her unending love for Dave, she reposted it and captioned it with “I hope Dave is dead”.

😂

This post made me quite sad for you and other posters.
Falling in love at any age is lovely. And having been in a long term relationship that ended, falling in love again older and wiser and with a bit of heartbreak and pain behind me felt much more exciting than it ever did in my teens/twenties because I know what I want, and dont want, and to meet someone who matches me and wants me is a pure joy. It makes me quite sad for you and other posters on this thread that you cant imagine that. The idea its all downhill from your first love at 18 and getting excited about someone is embarassing/performative/fake isnt true, I dont know why this attitude exists tbh, it feels like it stems from very old attitudes about divorce and being single at an older age.
I have had moments like this, feeling a bit 'ugh shut up' at other people on SM, and on taking a good hard look at myself it was always when I wasnt actually happy with my life. If you'd have asked me at the time I would have said everything's fine. But if I was really fine, why couldnt I have just gone 'oh, isnt love lovely, so many awful things go on in the world and so many people stay in terrible relationships, its lovely to see people happy' and if I found the posting a bit much/not what I wanted to see, I could have just quietly muted/unfollowed them. In hindsight, my reaction was telling me something. When you are happy, other people being happy makes you happy, even if you go 'the way they post is a bit annoying so il unfollow, but good for them!'
When I catch myself having a negative thought about someone else when it has no impact on my life whatsoever, its a signal to me that I need to pay attention to something. Fixed views or perspectives im holding that arent great, stuff in my personal life thats bothering me, my use of SM in general etc. Just worth considering!

I don't particularly care.
I know what you mean, though, when we're young the hormones are pushing us to find a partner. Driving these limerance like feelings. To reproduce, frankly.

I think as we get older, we see it as more of a tranasaction: if we like them, we get on well, have a laugh, good companionship and fancy them it is enough.

You only have to look at couples breaking up after the children have left home.
They usually find the other person difficult to be around.
And there's no hormones driving this need to stick together no longer.

Just intolerable to put up with someone who annoys the f* out of you for no reason like raising the children anymore.
(Not talking abuse. People should leave no matter what in these cases).

It is performative b. s. I don't care as I'm not on Facebook or TikTok or any of that malarkey.

Ive had several lately on my social media, I think im maybe just of the age where lots of my peers have married, divorced and now moved on again.

It is however, becoming a bit of a theme of #togetherforever and #usagainsttheworld which doesn't seem to last long before he cheats and its back to #singleandhappy again...

Its the sudden changing of the profile picture to a solo one that gives it away

Exactly this. You sound miserable and bitter OP.
I’m more loved up now and happy now then I have been at any other age or other relationship.

Women cheat a hell of a lot too.

Sure that makes it more meaningful though? Because it’s not just hormones driving us to find someone. We can find someone who is more suited to us and be happier as a result.
I’ve noticed people who meet in later life have better, happier relationships than younger people.

I don’t know… I felt in love like an idiot some time after my divorce. I thought it was such a blessing to be able to feel like that after so many years of dread in a marriage that died years before it ended.

It is a blessing and a privilege really, you can feel totally inlove and loved up in new relationships if you manage not to become bitter after each break ups so, don’t be miserable… if you stop looking at her Facebook, the notifications stop and soon enough you wouldn’t feel resentful of her happiness.

This is well said.

My husband died a few weeks ago and yet I can still look at happy relationship posts from others, without even a hint of bitterness.

Other people being happy makes me happy.

No way of knowing really. I don’t get why people get so bent out of shape about social media gushing. No harm in it. Glad she seems happy.

You are a lovely person, I’m so sorry about your husband 💐