To feel daft for thinking he liked me (no reply!)

[ScullyD]

Without going into detail, I’ve been working on a major production over summer. I befriended several of the team including an actor.

at first I just thought lovely guy, we would walk to work together sometimes and hit it off (for the record he’s not famous yet but up and coming). I thought he might like me but I wasn’t sure until my final days on set I noticed he was putting out feelers with affection and flirting. I hadn’t seen him doing this with others.

Finally at the wrap party we were chatting and he asked if I’d wait for him while he collected his things from the dressing room. I did and we left together but I then had to catch the last train. I asked to take his details to stay in touch and he said yes he would give me his number which he then put in my phone.

I messaged something light hearted a couple of days ago and nothing! I just feel a bit silly. I usually won’t message unless I’m sure there’s something and he’s the first guy I’ve felt anything for after my break up.

Honestly I wish I had your balls, I place too much of my self worth on how others perceive me and that's given me a lifetime of shit in some ways!! You've worked hard to get to this point and regardless of the outcome it's only a positive in how you've handled it all. If it was me honestly I'd have gone back with the guy, then probably never heard from him again and be so gutted with myself for doing it thinking that's what I needed to do to get him interested. It's not healthy and I hope to one day be in a place I can approach things in your style!!

that’s very kind thank you. It’s taken a lot of work. Ten years ago I would likely have gone home with him. Not in a bad way but I did a few casual liaisons back then - all I wanted to have and without major commitment.

but if I’d gone home with him this time I’d have 1) missed an important meeting for my career and 2) possibly ruined my reputation. Neither worth it. And also he seemed like relationship material to me so I didn’t just fancy ONS - but perhaps not as an up and coming actor as others mentioned!

You sound great op. Life is on the up!

Have you worked with actors before, OP? I worked in the industry in my twenties. It's hard to wrap your head around at first but after a while you realise that the structure of their work affects how many actors approach their relationships. When they are working, they do a series of short-to-medium term jobs which can be very intense indeed, and within this they form relationships which can be equally intense - both platonic and romantic. Some of these relationships will stick long-term after the job is over but the majority don't, largely because maintaining that many connections would be a full-time job in itself! It doesn't mean that the connection that you made wasn't genuine or authentic - it may well have been - but many actors tend to get very good at forming intense connections and then walking away from them in a way that can feel almost callous to 'civilians'. I think pp are correct that he was hoping something might happen after the wrap party, and I suspect that if he wanted to maintain a connection with you then you would probably have heard from him by now.

Please be very kind to yourself. You have nothing to feel embarrassed about if you bump into him in the future. The first connection that you feel after a heartbreak is particularly tender and you might look back and be glad that it didn't go any further before you could get hurt

@EgregiouslyOverdressed I have but not on a production of this size. I think this is his first major production too - the reviews have been hugely complimentary of him so far so I think he’s on the up.

Yes it has crossed my mind we may cross paths again before long and it might be awkward. He’s the one that didn’t respond so I’d likely be civil and leave it at that. He will have his reasons - maybe he did just want an ONS. I’m new to his world and can’t pretend to understand everything he’s thinking and feeling.

for me, I’ve had an amazing experience overall. So hopefully I can hold onto that and try not to feel too down trodden. I heard from one of his cast mates yesterday (a woman) so clearly some others are keen to keep in touch.

What has OP missed out exactly? a ONS? If he doesn't reply to her message then it would be obvious a ONS is what HE was looking for but OP isn't as she has confirmed.

Showmance

He replied today on his afternoon off.

didn’t ask me out but said he’d really enjoyed our conversations, mentioned a shared interest, asked if I got home ok and thanked me for being supportive. I don’t know if there’s potential or not but the messages were thoughtful and not just two words.

Ok he knows it would be akward, so just let it go now. I’d not respond. Or give it a few days and then respond and say something like any time

the supportive but makes you sound like he’s responding to a fan

Don't jump to respond or send a thumbs up 😎

@Fiendishandfiery a bit but I know that wasn’t the dynamic between us in person. I was commenting on his reviews to be fair.

im not sure, he didn’t have to chat about our mutual interests and say he ‘really’ enjoyed our chats. I felt like maybe he was feeling out how I felt about him by saying that. But maybe it was just a warm yet polite response.

I won’t!

Good woman. Onwards and upwards. 😘

Well…I’m not saying I won’t respond at all. I just won’t immediately. 😁

At best you’ve been friend zoned. But it does sound like a ‘nice talking to you, all the best’ and he’s moved on.

Ok he didn’t ask you out and he could easily have said let’s catch up over a drink ,

give it a few days and send something light. Or put yourself out your misery and ask him out.

You gave it a try and it’s still early days. He may be super busy but even if he isn’t and that’s the last you see of him at least you aren’t thinking “what if”.

Ahh. Didn’t see update. Personally, I would treat him the way I would want to be treated. No game playing. So I would respond that it’s great to hear from him and if he was free any time soon would he fancy a catch up?

He is very busy. He’s doing x2 shows a day with one afternoon a week off for the next three weeks.

I don’t necessarily agree I’ve been ‘friend zoned’. I don’t know! I’ve worked out we have a mutual friend who has a performance on after he finishes up so I might mention it. I’ll see how I feel in a couple of days 🙂

actually like the idea of friendly first for a change anyway.

Agree with this too 🙂

Yes being bold and having your spark back is a double win - honestly it can be a minefield navigating dating no matter how long you've been doing it! Onwards and upwards - friends is a great place to start. Good luck!

Ah op i feel for you. Honestly it sounds like he’s being polite but isn’t interested. I’d just leave it tbh. As you say your paths may well cross again and this way, you’ve maintained dignity and professionalism. In my experience if they’re keen, it shows, and if he’s playing it cool (ie playing mind games) then there’s no point getting involved with that batshittery! Onwards and upwards and best of luck with the next production. These environments are absolute hothouses for these kind of encounters and a run of a few weeks can feel like you’ve developed a lifelong bond.

@SergeantWrinkles you might be right. Purely for the lack of further initiative.

just thinking from my point of view though, if I was brushing a guy off I wouldn’t say I’d really enjoyed our conversations and talk more about the interest we’d discussed. I’d be like ‘great thanks, all the best!’.

I also quite like the notion of starting to date in general now, so I’m not pinning my hopes on one star.

Whoever does the running in seeking to turn a flirtation into something more - ie is the one to ask to exchange numbers - that person needs to be truly, truly ok and at peace with not getting the response they hoped for.

I think this is a classic case of ‘If he wanted to, he would’. A lot of people on here saying ‘Oh he’s probably been busy’, or ‘Message him again’, but that just doesn’t tend to be how straight guys work, when it’s a woman they are really into and want a relationship with.

If you’d given him a fractionally-lingering hug and a kiss on the cheek, said goodbye and got on the last train without exchanging details, you would have found out pretty soon if he was genuinely interested in being with you, to the extent of actually making an effort.

I have noticed (both in life and on MN threads) that when a couple is together because the woman asked the guy out in the first place, or when the woman proposes, it is often the case that the relationship / marriage is subsequently characterised by very little ongoing effort from the chap. 🤷🏼‍♀️

I’m not saying it should be like this, just that it often is.

I’m glad you are feeling more confident OP. Wishing you all the best for the future.