Family with opposing views

[Coldcoffeekindamorning]

Just had a family gathering and my OH has just told me that my DF has said some abhorrent things. I knew he had right wing views but wasn't certain to what extent and tbh I have never wanted to know this as I didnt want to believe my dad is a bad person but now I cant help but think he is.

I don't understand how someone can think these things and I'm really struggling to understand how to process this. I wouldn't spend time with someone like this if l knew they thought these things but this is my dad. I can not avoid him or just abandon our relationship.

I don't feel I can talk to him about this either as we have had a very rocky relationship and have worked very hard to get to a point were we don't argue. When I was younger the slightest thing could spark a huge fight and we have both learned to keep quiet to some extent to keep the peace.

He is also very close to my DC and while I know he wouldn't say any of this to them (they would tell me anyway) I feel uneasy about them accidentally hearing these things.

Has anyone else had experience of having a close family member who has awful views? How do you manage it? I am honestly so upset about it.

Just to add OH did make it clear he didnt agree but didn't completely confront him as he was definitely trying to not set off a bomb in the family.

Well, my inlaws were Conservatives and had some right wing views but nothing obnoxious. I didn't necessarily agree with them, but they had a right to their views like anyone else.

Right wing...what does it mean? It used to mean free-market economics and low-tax, small government...but on MN it seems to be the mark of the devil and put you on a par with Hitler.

My son was very left-wing as a student. He used to go on at me - a middle of the road liberal.

Then he got a job and saw all the deductions from his pay....he was astounded! I had to inform him that governments don't have any money of their own - when politicians, and political blatherers, go on about increasing public spending, it's actually our money they're using.

Young people can be a pain politically as well as oldies.

“It’s a blight in the West”.

I don’t see how you can state with any surety that it’s a “blight in the west” or any different to the past.

Ok but that changes nothing.

Well why won’t you say what he said? Frankly bored by the “0mg! Isn’t X just so awful!! I’m not going to say what they said…. But I think it’s awful so it clearly is!!!!!!!!”
why won’t you just tell your dad how awful you think he is? That you and your OH talk negatively about him, you judge him and think he’s awful?
or are you like the smug poster on here who slags off family, but takes their money? @Coldcoffeekindamorning

Sounds like your DF has long since understood that you don't want to hear it. Make it clear to your OP that you're all for him making it clear that he doesn't either. "I hope you're not saying that to me because you think I agree with you" can be useful. Then refuse to get into an argument. And these views probably won't be mentioned to either of you again.

Maybe one way to reconcile this is to focus on the idea that he is an adult, and you don't need to agree on everything just like any other adult relationship.If you can keep this in mind it will be easier to let things go when the conversation gets uncomfortable.

If you set clear boundaries in your own mind about what you want to discuss when in his company, you should be better placed to deal with him. Less arguments, maybe less current events/politics chat, and ultimately you may find the 'safe' topics are still enjoyable.

Because it's my opinion to which I'm entitled.

OP, my mum (now passed away) was racist. Not overtly on a daily basis, in fact she was well travelled, had friends from many countries and even studied Japanese. On the surface, seemingly normal, but deep down, every now and again, something racist would come out.

We'd get to around ANZAC Day and suddenly there would be some sort of racist comment. I'd call her on it and we would move on. We gave her a little leeway as she had lived through the second world war.

She did a lot of looking after our kids when they were little, but the ways she was racist, wasn't exactly anything that would come up in conversation with a toddler. She wasn't always a stellar parent, but she was a bloody good grandparent.

She was the same with homophobia. Not overt, had gay friends, but suddenly sometimes she'd drop a clanger. One very memorable time was when the kids were teens. Something really awful was said during dinner at a restaurant. I couldn't let that one go, and we did in fact have a public falling out over it. It got loud, we both stood our ground and in the end I walked out. I took the teens home with me and left my DH to drive my mother home (enough of us that we had taken 2 cars). It wasn't my best moment, but I don't regret it for a second. At the time, I knew one of my kids was quietly questioning some things about themselves and I wanted them to know that no matter what, we would be there for them.

I guess I'm saying that in some ways, you can't change people. But, if your dad isn't spouting his views to your kids, then I'd let it go (mostly). If it's said in front of you, then do what your DH did and at least gently question those views. At the end of the day, you and your views will have much more influence over your kids. I was able to talk to my kids if something did come up and explain why nana was wrong or silly to hold the views she did.

Disagree...

If i held violently racist /sexist views.. Thats EXACTLY what would make me bad...

It's from this wellspring that there are physical attacks....

You say, ‘sorry dad, I don’t agree with that. Let’s leave it there.’

You say your dad is kind and generous and would never be unkind to people but still talks about certain groups in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable. If he was running around with skinheads or posting racist stuff online, then this is a different issue but from the sounds of it, he has private views about a religion which he’s not publicly sharing nor is he passing it on to your children.

People are allowed to have a different worldview and if they are not spreading it or harming others, I might not like it, but it doesn’t change how I see them as a person.
I have friends and family members who hold some pretty ‘out there’ beliefs. One family member in particular loves a good conspiracy theory and believes the Covid vaccine also contained some form of silver/metal that can be picked up by scanners. I smile and I nod and it doesn’t diminish my love for her in the slightest. She’s a wonderful person who just happened to fall down an Internet rabbit hole. If it comes up, I just say, ‘well, you know we see the world differently. Best to not talk about it’ and that’s that.

I really don’t think this is a big moral conundrum.

I'm not slagging DF off to OH behind his back. I am concerned for him and I am worried about the people he is spending time with and his harmful views.

I have said I feel unable to talk to him as it has the capacity to set off a bomb in our relationship and we have worked very hard to not do this.

I don't take any money from DF and have worked since I was 14 years old. OH and I have worked and paid for everything we have.