Family with opposing views

[Coldcoffeekindamorning]

Just had a family gathering and my OH has just told me that my DF has said some abhorrent things. I knew he had right wing views but wasn't certain to what extent and tbh I have never wanted to know this as I didnt want to believe my dad is a bad person but now I cant help but think he is.

I don't understand how someone can think these things and I'm really struggling to understand how to process this. I wouldn't spend time with someone like this if l knew they thought these things but this is my dad. I can not avoid him or just abandon our relationship.

I don't feel I can talk to him about this either as we have had a very rocky relationship and have worked very hard to get to a point were we don't argue. When I was younger the slightest thing could spark a huge fight and we have both learned to keep quiet to some extent to keep the peace.

He is also very close to my DC and while I know he wouldn't say any of this to them (they would tell me anyway) I feel uneasy about them accidentally hearing these things.

Has anyone else had experience of having a close family member who has awful views? How do you manage it? I am honestly so upset about it.

Just to add OH did make it clear he didnt agree but didn't completely confront him as he was definitely trying to not set off a bomb in the family.

I think @MrListerSir has it spot on. You are overthinking this.

If you choose to continue a relationship with him just shut down discussion of topics you don’t wish to discuss and advise your partner to do likewise. Don’t raise the topic either.

Nice try, but you need to try harder.

I said "British", because British people come in all colours and cannot be deported unless they have committed a crime and have dual-nationality.

I specified "white rape gangs", in response to your nonsense about "white rape gangs". Of course there are rapists who are neither white nor Muslim but - forgive me if I'm wrong - I don't think they are the ones you were referring to.

What about my other questions, what evidence is there OP's Dad is a "massive racist"? What is "that kind of shit" the people you reject as friends spout?

We don’t make accommodations.

Your last point does conflate nationality, “race” and skin tone.

You started talking about differences when white rapists (and I have not seen any evidence that conviction rates for white rapists are different to non-white ones) and then ended talking about deportations. That conflates different things.

I did not mention white rape gangs ftr. You are confusing posts.

We don’t have to agree on this point, or indeed on any.

I spend less time with DM as she has to compulsively shoehorn race and politics into everything. Every interraction she has, the attributes of the person she encountered are apparently down to their ancestory. The layered on surprise that they were lovely is nauseating. OK, you had a nice nurse, you don't need to emphisise that they were from... 🙄

Then there's the actual political ranting...

I ran out of steam to gently challenge it or tactically ignore it. She likes to provoke a reaction. I just see less of her now.

Racism isn't the only reason, there's other family reasons in the mix too and I'm out of energy for the cycle of family politics too and didn't want my children layered in as more fuel for it.

It’s not really about agreeing. We don’t make accommodations.

He'd be right on that one.

In you first post, you asked us if you are being unreasonable, so you do need to discuss how bad or wrong what he said was, otherwise we can't answer your question.

If he says

"All Muslims are wrong-uns and should be shot" - you are not being unreasonable.

If he says

"It's an absolute disgrace that the authorities have turned a blind eye to the rape, abuse and murder of girls and young women by Muslim rape gangs" - you are being unreasonable.

It affects your relationship with them for sure if you’re polar opposites politically. While I respect everyone’s right to an opinion, I don’t always respect the opinions themselves and that can colour your perception of them.

OK. Looks like I confused your post with someone else's. The conflation arose from the other post.

I don’t agree w my adult DD’s views at all (I’m moderate, she’s very left wing) but she’s my DD so can’t disown her!! We just don’t discuss these things, i find that works! By the same token, my PILs were right wing so DH just ignored their Daily Heil ratings.
It’s upsetting but for the sake of the relationship then it has to be accepted- unless someone is being radicalised - that’s different.

Evidently I disagree, as an immigrant myself.

My DS thinks women can have a penis (or at least he says he does). I think those views are very damaging to women and children but I just accept he’s currently suffering from indoctrination after being at uni for a number of years. I still love him, we just don’t discuss that topic.

If he's an otherwise decent man, I suppose I'd try to see it as him being a victim of the mass of misinformation, exaggeration and hyperbole circulating about Muslim people these days.
If he has no real knowledge of the normal ordinary people who make up the vast majority of the Muslim population, so hasn't seen for himself that there are good, bad and indifferent individuals who follow Islam, just as there are amongst those who don't, then he will have been informed only by high profile cases where perpetrators of crime have happened to be Muslim.
He will also see cases of white British people committing heinous crime, but because he knows from experience this is a minority, he doesn't draw the same conclusions.
There is no fix for people who've got themselves into this mindset, other than having experience to the contrary. And as the rantiest people on this subject tend to be those who don't move in diverse circles, this probably won't happen.
Its disappointing when someone we want to respect is close minded and easily influenced but perhaps it helps to see him in that light rather than as a 'bad person'.

I didn't make a comparison to anywhere else. Saying there is a problem in the West doesn't assume there aren't problems elsewhere or that there are so yes, REALLY.

Racism and that type of thing isn’t ’an opposing view’ and I wouldn’t let my kids be around that.

To each their own.

Why does it need to state Muslim Men ..why it could just say men and be equally factual?

Why does the concern exclude the vast majority of rapists?

I think it's common to be sometimes horrified by what your parents or grandparents say. But, I don't think kids necessarily need protecting from hearing this stuff. I say this because when I was a kid, I would listen to some of the things parents said, didn't have the means to challenge it at the time, but inside I'd be thinking "God you are so stupid and ridiculous. Can you be this stupid and ridiculous?" Kids can recognise that adults say weird stuff. If they don't get exposed to it, how are they supposed to develop independent thought. Free speech is important otherwise there is no democracy.

Or rather Chaque a son gout

Agreed. Exactly my point regarding family 👌.

I am going through the same with a family member, they used to be so accepting and understanding, now they believe England is a Christian country, and anyone who isn't Christian needs to leave, which would mean me, my husband and children, they hate Muslims, listens to Tommy Robinson, Nick Tenconi, etc. Believes the LGBTQIA community needs to be eradicated as marriage is between a man, woman and God! It's so hard as they are literally against me and my family but they don't see it. We try to keep to neutral topics but they continue to make snide comments which become difficult to ignore. My kids don't really want a relationship with them due to this, I'm on the fence as I don't have a lot of family and I miss the person they used to be. I want to keep the relationship with them but it's becoming intolerable.

Because OP said her father's comments are Islamophobic.

Why extend and repeat the Islamopobia?

It's a dog whistle to prejudice