Family with opposing views

[Coldcoffeekindamorning]

Just had a family gathering and my OH has just told me that my DF has said some abhorrent things. I knew he had right wing views but wasn't certain to what extent and tbh I have never wanted to know this as I didnt want to believe my dad is a bad person but now I cant help but think he is.

I don't understand how someone can think these things and I'm really struggling to understand how to process this. I wouldn't spend time with someone like this if l knew they thought these things but this is my dad. I can not avoid him or just abandon our relationship.

I don't feel I can talk to him about this either as we have had a very rocky relationship and have worked very hard to get to a point were we don't argue. When I was younger the slightest thing could spark a huge fight and we have both learned to keep quiet to some extent to keep the peace.

He is also very close to my DC and while I know he wouldn't say any of this to them (they would tell me anyway) I feel uneasy about them accidentally hearing these things.

Has anyone else had experience of having a close family member who has awful views? How do you manage it? I am honestly so upset about it.

Just to add OH did make it clear he didnt agree but didn't completely confront him as he was definitely trying to not set off a bomb in the family.

Spot on.

Its pretty even tbf. People are always calling left wing people anti semetic if they disagree with the Israeli government, or telling them they don't care about women and children who are raped and murdered if they don't agree with don't celebrate murderers killing other murderers in prison, or criticise Rupert Lowe.

Since around lockdown my mum has developed some strong views that I’d call right wing. Supports Trump, anti-Muslim, anti- vaccine, lots of conspiracy theories. She used to try and talk about them but I shut her down as I don’t want to hear it. Then I’m careful not to bring anything that could be contentious up. Tbh I think it has impacted our relationship. I love her but I feel there’s a distance between us.

It's a real shame that people can't have views without their families abandoning them.

I would suggest that rather depends on "the views" though.

I mean jam before cream is in a different league to thinking people with a tan should be sent "back", for example. Being racist out of politeness isn't really how I want to live. (Or indeed have lived)

This sounds very familiar re my DF.

He is so kind and generous and would behave so to anybody in front him regardless of who they are but then talks about this "other" like they are a big bad wolf out to get "us." Very much a 2 side only argument like with whats filtering out of the USA, there's no meet in the middle.

Can't say I'd particularly care. Many of my friends and family have views I strongly disagree with so we just avoid discussing them.

Unless someone is causing actual harm or breaking the law, I don't much care what their actual opinions are. I certainly wouldn't abandon a family member over it.

I don't intend to abandon my Dad, I am asking for advice as to how to have a relationship with him despite his views that I absolutely disagree with.

@Coldcoffeekindamorning Just don't discuss those topics. And if he tries to bring them up, just say 'I don't think we'll agree on this, so probably best not to discuss it'. You're making this a much bigger issue than it is.

What are these 'right wing' views, though? Would they be views condemned by Amnesty, for instance?

Do you mean "source"? If so, what are these "unfactual" sources and what do they say?

For example, if they say things like, "Muslims eat babies for breakfast", or "All Muslims are criminals", you could accurately say the source was "unfactual" and Islamaphobic.

If, on the other hand, the sources claim that some Muslims men in towns and cities around the UK have been raping and abusing girls and young women for decades, they are stating a fact.

If on the basis of that fact your father, in common with many reasonable people, thinks these criminals should be deported on their release from prison, he is expressing a perfectly valid opinion that you might not agree with.

This OP

Am not sure Amnesty are the best judges of character just now!

Racism has become acceptable, especially when it comes to Muslims. This does not mean that you need to accept it though.

Personally I call out racism if anyone ever parrots it in front of me .. I don’t want to be friends with people who spout this short of shit

… and yes, they will dress it up, claim is about Rape Gangs, and VAWG … but they rarely give a shit about white Rape Gangs (we have had at least 2 of these in our area), or the domestic abusers that hide thier ranks.

He can say what he wants, you don’t need to sit thier passively because of “free speech”. “Free speech” has never meant “free of consequence”. The consequence of this is that’s he’s a massive Racist.

we do fun things like take the birthday and Christmas money he gives us and use it in ways that we enjoy but also support organizations and charities that he hates. He doesn’t know what we are doing. For example, he doesn’t know a piece of art hanging in my home that I told him I bought with his gift money came from a charity fundraiser.

Duh.

I missed OP's post that told us exactly what her father's abhorrent views are. In fact, her posts carefully avoid doing so, suggesting to me that her father's views might not be particularly unreasonable.

What evidence has she given that made you conclude her father is a "massive racist"? What exactly is "the sort of shit" people spout who you don't want to be friends with? Please give some actual examples.

Literally no one thinks white rapists are good or better than brown ones. The difference is:

• The authorities have no political fear of dealing with white rapists
• There is no evidence of significant organised white rape gangs and where they do exist, they are prosecuted. There are no votes in ignoring them.
• There is no legal mechanism for deporting British rapists and neither should there be. Every country should be responsible for dealing with its own scum.

If, on the other hand, the sources claim that some Muslims men in towns and cities around the UK have been raping and abusing girls and young women for decades, they are stating a fact.

It would also be factual to say some non Muslim men etc etc etc.

Suggesting that more "facts" may be needed.

I mean most road traffic offences are caused by sober drivers. That's a fact.

Ha. Amnesty? What a poor descent for a once respected organisation.

As other have said it really does depend on the views. Even “Islamophobia” covers a wide range.

“Halal food is cruel and should be banned” is a very different league to “Muslims can never be British and should be forcibly deported”.

One I would just counteract with my own views. One I would reduce my children’s time around that person.

Your last point conflates nationality and “race” / skin tone.

He didn't talk about those gangs and tbh I don't need to discuss how bad or wrong what he said was. I think what he said was wrong and racist.

The point in this thread is to try to understand how to move forward and process that he has these views and that I still love him as my Dad.

A lot of conflating Islamophobia with race too. I grew up in Yugoslavia/former Yugoslavia where the Muslim population was/is white.

Some cultures integrate better than others, even if both share a religion. I’m an immigrant, and I do personally think immigrants have a responsibility to integrate with the cultural norms of the country they’ve moved to. To respect them. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a country wanting to preserve its native culture either, and tbh I find the UK a bit of an outlier in that respect, regarding the the amount of accommodations made.

Your OH knows you don’t want to rock the boat, but he reported back all of your Father’s ‘awful’ views anyway. Sometimes it’s best to just shut up.

I don’t know why he told you.

To shit stir perhaps?

You think only in the West and in the modern era that people distanced themselves from their families for their views?

Really?

There is quite a big difference between burning people at the stake and choosing to reduce the time you spend around them.