Family with opposing views

[Coldcoffeekindamorning]

Just had a family gathering and my OH has just told me that my DF has said some abhorrent things. I knew he had right wing views but wasn't certain to what extent and tbh I have never wanted to know this as I didnt want to believe my dad is a bad person but now I cant help but think he is.

I don't understand how someone can think these things and I'm really struggling to understand how to process this. I wouldn't spend time with someone like this if l knew they thought these things but this is my dad. I can not avoid him or just abandon our relationship.

I don't feel I can talk to him about this either as we have had a very rocky relationship and have worked very hard to get to a point were we don't argue. When I was younger the slightest thing could spark a huge fight and we have both learned to keep quiet to some extent to keep the peace.

He is also very close to my DC and while I know he wouldn't say any of this to them (they would tell me anyway) I feel uneasy about them accidentally hearing these things.

Has anyone else had experience of having a close family member who has awful views? How do you manage it? I am honestly so upset about it.

Just to add OH did make it clear he didnt agree but didn't completely confront him as he was definitely trying to not set off a bomb in the family.

Can you be more specific on what was said?

People have all sorts of views, some of which you may find abhorrent.
It doesn't make them bad. People are far more nuanced than that.
It's not worth damaging a relationship that's obviously important to you over this.

I don’t think it matters what was said, just how you both feel about it.

It sounds as if you had a way of dealing with this before, in that you never let politics come up. The people I know who have a similar situation do the same. I do know one couple who do spend less time with the set of parents who come out with unpleasant bile, but they do see them, they just change the subject, spill something or whatever. They also pretty much always visit as a family rather than the children spending time there without them.

The question in my mind is why did your DF let this out now? Did he think a man was more likely to agree, or is he getting less controlled with age?

No I haven’t any experience of family members that have ‘awful views’.

But what you say about your relationship and his behaviour when you were growing up most probably go hand in hand.

He spared you and any siblings hopefully and you say that he wouldn’t impose his view on your children, rightfully you are keeping an eye on that.

And it is your duty to not impose on your DC knowledge of their DGFs views. He is close
to them.

We can object, live accordingly but we can’t change everyone unfortunately and so we choose our battles.

He has these views, as long as he keeps them to himself and others like himself then he does little harm.

His life could have been very different, he chose to support the views that he does. But he hasn’t poisoned you, your DH or your DC.

And I say this as a black person.

My cousin, 32M, recently said an inappropriate comment in front of my daughter, 15F, which she mentioned to me as she was shocked.

I just explained that he doesn’t actually know how offensive that is as he’s intellectually challenged. She seemed to be okay with this explanation, enough to drop it anyway, and to be fair it isn’t too far from the truth - he isn’t well educated.

@Coldcoffeekindamorning all you can do is make up some reason for it, he’s old and doesn’t mean it, just likes to get a rise out of people, and then do not engage in any discussion or opinion he has. Don’t give him a stage to spout such dribble.

If it upsets you then don’t bring it up in conversation. It doesn’t sound like you’re going to agree with each other so agree to disagree and move on.

In my familyI am the one with "awful views" (Terf).
I know that family members find it really difficult and tbh its both saddening and awkward to knkw that they feel that way.
There's not a lot I can do about it. Once you've reached a conclusion you can't just go back and unthink that thought.
It sounds like you already had the solution. You avoided the subject and concentrated on the areas you have in common. Your Dad's comments to your DH (and your DHs decision to pass them on to you) have upset the balance.
If you can, I would just proceed as before.
If the difference in values is insurmountable then the relationship may have to end. But this is a serious step and not one that it sounds like you wnat to take.

Islamaphobia parroted from unfactual sorces.

And this was?
did you hear it or is it 2nd hand?
are you and your oh just as appalled when they hear left wing opinions like
’love is love’
’break the cotton ceiling’
’die in a grease fire TERF’ ?

I wouldn’t want my children around him if he couldn’t keep his disgusting racist mouth shut tbh.

Thank you for this.

I can't make up a reason for it though. It's all on him. Thats what makes it very difficult. I love him but I can not stand that he has these views and I feel disgust.

I just am so bothered by it because it was spoken about though. I don't understand why he would talk like this to my OH as he is out spoken about what he thinks and DF knows his views. I dont know why my OH continued the conversation for so long even though he made it clear he didnt agree. OH knows that I don't want to rock the boat with my DF and this certainly has. I feel awful knowing what he said and I struggle to know what to think of him.

Urgh love my parents and inlaws. Both raised in very small working class towns and believe lots of tripe doled out by political muppets on immigration.

I told both sets that we will agree to disagree as I cant changed them.

Told the kids that they need to experience a range range of views and come to their own decisions. The world is made up of lots of different people and would be a sad place if we were all the same.

As they got older as teens I told them exactly what my viewpoint was, how I disagree fundamentally with their grandparents on these topics

I knew it was happening in a quiet corner of the dinner table but I was with DC and didn't hear everything. OH told me after when I asked. I don't want to get into an argument of different view points. I am asking the question about how one consolidates having a relationship with a loved one who has harmful beliefs.

You tell yourself ‘his views are disgusting, but there’s more to him than them’. Park it at the back of your mind labelled ‘horrid views - to be pitied’ and leave it there.

Funny how it's always right wing views. It really has been done to death.

It's a real shame that people can't have views without their families abandoning them. It's a blight in the West that is so damaging and unnecessary. That's your FATHER. Does that not mean anything over his views on one subject? It's so childish to think everyone has to have the same views or they can't be in our lives.

I miss the 90s.

I don't feel I can talk to him about this either as we have had a very rocky relationship and have worked very hard to get to a point were we don't argue. When I was younger the slightest thing could spark a huge fight and we have both learned to keep quiet to some extent to keep the peace.

I had similar as a teenager - not racism but homophobia (I had gay friends at school), sexism and religion. I didn't learn to keep quiet, the huge fights continued and we're now NC. I suppose the situation is slightly different in that a lot of my dad's toxic views were aimed at me personally but life is too short to be around people who hold views you find disgusting.

As a lefty, I can assure you that these are not left wing opinions.

Wow, aren't you a very open minded person. The world needs more of you x

🙄You are projecting. There is no evidence in what OP has posted to suggest that she is a left wing bigot.

The way we move on is to accept people have different beliefs. There are differences in how we perceive the world, what we’ve experienced, what we’ve been taught.

In medieval times, we burnt people at the stake for having the wrong opinions and beliefs.
We have gone to war about the wrong opinions and beliefs.

Many things we know and understand now, got you executed in the past.

Just accept that people don’t all think the same.
Continue to avoid inflammatory subjects. Gather some phrases to use to end certain topics, because he isn’t going to be persuaded or argued to a different opinion.

balance to be struck

on the one had we should listen to and tolerate other opinions

but sometimes these cross a line - that may be expressing opinions to the children , it may be refusing to acknowledge that you have an alternative opinion and refusing to sidestep the topic under most conversations , it may be expressing those opinions to a person ( say immigrants are not welcome to a foreign born person ) that makes that person feel threatened

aome people have vile opinions and if they go through life with an ever decreasing circle of friends and family as a result so be it