My son stopped talking to his sister after finding out she was dating his best friend, and I don’t know how to fix this

[pilarr]

I never thought I would be in a situation where my own children would become strangers to each other.

For context, I'm 46 years old and I have three kids. My oldest son is 19, my daughter is 18, and my youngest son is 14.

My oldest son has had the same best friend since they were 8 years old he is same age as my son. That boy has been part of our family for so long that I never really saw him as just a friend he was almost like another son to me. He was always at our house for dinners, sleepovers, holidays, and everything in between. I watched him grow up.

My daughter also grew up with him. They were the same age, went to the same school, and were always close friends. They would play together when they were younger, and as they got older they would go hiking or spend time together, especially when my son wasn’t around. I always thought they had a good friendship and that both of them were good kids.

About two months ago, my daughter came to me and told me something I wasn’t expecting she and my son’s best friend were dating. They had already been together for two months, and she told me it wasn’t just a small crush. They were serious about each other.

She was nervous telling me. The first thing I asked was whether my son knew. She said no, but she wanted to tell him herself and asked me not to say anything. I felt uncomfortable keeping something from my son, but I also felt it was my daughter’s responsibility to have that conversation with him.

My daughter is a very thoughtful person. She is not someone who makes decisions without thinking about the consequences, so I trusted that she had taken this seriously.

A month ago, my son found out from some friends that his sister and his best friend were dating. What hurt him the most was not only the relationship itself, but that everyone seemed to know except him.

He asked my daughter why she didn’t tell him. She explained that she was scared he would react exactly the way he did. She wanted to wait until she knew the relationship was serious because she didn’t want him to think it was just a temporary teenage crush.

My son was furious. He told her that she shouldn’t date his best friend and that things between them would never be the same. He also confronted his best friend, who tried to explain that he genuinely cared about my daughter and wasn’t playing around.

I understand why my son feels betrayed. His best friend was like a brother to him, and now he feels like that friendship has changed. He has also felt responsible for protecting his sister since their father passed away five years ago.

But I also told him that while his sister should have told him sooner, she did not do something wrong by having feelings for someone she cares about.

I can see both sides. My son is hurt, and my daughter feels guilty. She has cried to me because she misses her brother and doesn’t want to lose him. But my son is still angry and has completely shut both of them out.

It has been a month, and my two older kids barely speak. They act like strangers in the same house. I don’t want this to permanently damage the relationship between my children.

But YOU kept rhe secret from your son for a month too. You, are a big part of the deception too.

Tbh, your entire attitude on this thread has been imperious.

You consistently assert that your theories are right and more valid than OPs observations of the actual situation and seem fixated that DS is probably gay but in denial.

I tell you that the DS can feel hate and despise the actions of his friend amd sister, and you tell me that these are not valid emotions.

And you seem to feel that therapy and religious counselling are the right thing for this boy.

I feel you should step away from the keyboard and give it a rest for a while. You seem overly invested in your version of events and completely lacking in empathy for any of the participants in this sorry situation except the daughter.

As PPs have said, what everyone needs now is time. Not therapy and certainly not accusations of controlling behaviour.

DD has made her choice in which relationship she values more.

DS has now done the same.

He doesn't need absolution or the confessional or retraining. He just needs people around him that he can trust.

Attacking your proposition is not a personal attack.

It is not personal to say that the scenarios you are creating in your head seem oddly unsupported by the facts.

Have a nice day

This is the plot of friends! When Monica and chandler got together in London and kept it a secret from Ross and then he found out and freaked out!

Remeber - he was a bit unhinged at the time and had taken time out of work because someone ate his sandwich🤣

This!! I thought of Ross finding out about Monica and Chandler straight away 😂

A young woman in love with a good person is not a 'sorry situation'.

The brother is making it all about himself.

He is old enough to have a partner and on Mumsnet it is reasonable to be concerned what kind of man he is becoming.

You missed that words like 'crazy' are implicitly gendered silencers.

Now I know you've lost it.

"Crazy narrative" is not a gendered.silencer per se. Though I know some like to think it is. And particularly not when the person saying it to you is another woman.

Trust me, men and women both do crazy things and have crazy ideas.

I can see now that you view life only through a lens of female oppression which explains a lot of your posts.

Is there a world in which you ever acknowledge that you may not be right, or that other people may have.differing but valid opinions?

The OP kept it quiet too, but her son conveniently doesn't know this or chooses not to dwell on it.

It is quiet clear that there is a bit of golden child/eldest son scenario here and the OP may not even fully realise her bias.

Op writes a "month" and then "months"? How long has her son been allowed to drag this out?

I would bet that his friend seeing this side to him, won't want to be involved again, irrespective of what happens.

It is not normal behaviour to ignore a sibling for month/months, yet somehow this has been allowed to continue.

As for the poor youngest child witnessing this? Dreadful.

I have 4 children late teens, early, mid 20's and there has never ever been an incident of not speaking to each other.

He has been allowed to dominate the home with his upset.

Initial upset can be understood, allowing it to drag on impacting the atmosphere is the home, absolutely not.

From my reading the OP is speaking from both sides of her mouth.
The daughter has a right to her privacy whilst blaming her for creating this situation.

OP conveniently doesn't reflect that she too kept it from her son.

This situation will not resolve itself whilst her son is allowed to wear his upset like a cloak souring the home atmosphere.

It needs to be very firmly handled that whilst there may be pain and upset on all sides, this cannot be allowed to continue to sour the home life of the family.

I hope your youngest reaches out for support because it sounds miserable for him.

The softly softly approach will not work here.
It needs to be firm and very even handed.

If OP doesn't do this she risks losing a daughter that will ultimately blame her for being the parent that allowed this to continue unchecked.

Perhaps family therapy should be explored for extra support.

Op, although I respect & understand your son being hurt at the time it took to let him know about the relationship, I can't understand him taking it to the point of upsetting his sister & refusing to communicate with them both. Is he not highly embarrassed to show this degree of hurt with the situation & why is he so possessive of him? I would ask him his reasons because his response feels way over the top.

Oooh this is such a difficult one OP. Ordinarily I’d say keep out of it and let them sort it between them but you are living in the same house as them and both you and your other child will be subject to the bad vibe this has created in your household.

FWIW, I completely disagree that your son is being controlling or abusive. I think he is a young adult that is still trying find his way in life and this maybe something he would react completely differently to if he was 20 years older. Life experience and all that. It’s a bit of a moot point for him to be annoyed at the fact that his relationship with both of them will change as they’ve been dating a while before he found out and I presume it hasn’t changed up to this point. I agree it may have made it easier if either your DD or his best mate had told him earlier but I also agree they have a right to privacy.

In your position, I’d probably speak with your DS and try to understand his fears and perhaps get him to see reason. I don’t think he is unreasonable for feeling the way he does, but I think his reaction to his feelings betrays a little immaturity- which is to he expected for a young adult so no shade from me. I was a nightmare at 19 😂

I understand why the son felt hurt that he was the last to know about his sis and his best friend, but OP said that her daughter and the young lad are both good people. Good people don't withhold news just to be secretive. Their explanation - that they wanted to wait to tell the son until they knew if what they had was serious - sounds like they knew he'd be upset either way. Which is honestly kind of a weird dynamic, imo.

If I found out that my brother and best friend hadn't told me they were dating, it would be time for some serious soul-searching, because I'd want to know why two decent people who care about me felt that they couldn't share this with me.

I agree with @4keyhouse . The linger this thread has dragged on and the mire OP has engaged with posters the more obvious it has become that the OP’s approach to this totally unremarkable situation is unhealthy and, basically, contributing to the son’s irrational feelings of extreme betrayal and resentment of his sister and her bf.

No one is denying the poor, poor, poor boy his feelings but a month plus of sulking and mummy dearest posting for support and continually supporting him in carrying on and feeling hard done by is not helping him.

At the rate he is going he will alienate himself from his old best friend and his sister. What is the use of that?

Even if you think—which I do not—that this was an awful experience for him and that he had the right to expect that no woman would ever come between him and his bff its just a fact if life that he is stuck with it. He needs to be helped to recognize and deal with reality gracefully. Not abetted in this sulking by mummy telling him he was hard done by.

The OP did know but it wasn't really her place to tell her son, she should have made sure that the daughter/her boyfriend did. Can you imagine if she came on here saying that she went behind her daughters back and told the son - she'd have been told to butt out of it.

I also think regarding month/months the OP said that the son has known for a month but they have been dating for a few months.

That isn’t the point she is making @ForeverPombear . Its not that the mother should have betrayed the daughter’s confidence. The point that she is making is that the mother is as “guilty” (if thats the language we are using) of keeping a secret from the ds as all the friend group and the bff but its largely the sister who is coming in for stick.

This wasn’t OP’s ‘secret’ to tell. She can’t win either way - if she’d posted that she told her DS and there was the same level of fallout she’d have been crucified on here.

Where has anyone said he has a right to expect no woman to come between him and BF ? That would be unreasonable. But this is his sister. The take away for me is that he was the last to know and found out from someone else. If DD and BF told members of their mutual friendship group that they were dating, they should have told DS at the same time. I don’t think OP should interfere. At all. Let them work it out for themselves.

Exactly! Fuck me!

The woman is entitled to privacy. It is entirely her and her boyfriend's business.

Absolutely nothing at all to do with her drama llama misogynist brother.

Tell the immature little prick to butt out and that his sister is free to live and love as she pleases.

OP caveated that with ‘much sooner’. And if DD wanted ‘privacy’ she should have made sure to keep it very private so that her brother wouldn’t find out from someone else. Instead she and BF chose to tell everyone in their mutual friendship group except her DB. What did she expect ?

DB is not a drama llama. He clearly has his own worries which are more than reasonable. This is his oldest friend and his sister, and if the relationship comes to a screeching halt for any reason, he’ll more than likely be expected to take sides. It changes the dynamic, and I also think DS is entitled to feel totally hacked off that he was the last to know about the relationship between the two people he’s supposed to be closest to.

You also realise that both of them actively lied to him ? OP says he had conversations with both of them when they were clearly together and they covered up for the fact with lies. And you don’t think he’s entitled to be hurt ?

And yet the post still stands so clearly MN moderators disagree. And for one so centred on language you seem to have completely overlooked the fact that ‘crazy’ wasn’t a term applied to you personally, but to the narrative you created.

Your son has blown it out of proportion. Your daughter got together with a nice friend who she’s known and spent a lot of time with throughout her life. It’s not really surprising as they’re close in age and have spent a lot of time together and sounds like they have shared interests.
Your daughter rightly read your son’s reaction. Best thing you can say to your son is that it’s a shame she didn’t say earlier but these are two people who he loves who have a right to be together and not to burn his bridges with good people for no real reason. There is no good reason for him to be behaving as he is, his sister clearly read him right and got scared. I’m sure she’s apologised for not telling him sooner but he needs to get over it now and I think I would have to make that clear to him

How can you say DD got his reaction right when she didn’t tell him ? He found out from someone in their mutual friendship group - he was the last to know. DD will never know how he would have reacted had she done the right thing and told him herself - or had the friend do it - because the circumstances in which he found out have coloured his reaction.

Not sure if son is blowing out of proportion to be honest. He’s clearly hurt and needs time to sort himself out. There’s also the fact that both DD and his BF lied to him to cover up the fact that they were together. There will also be the worry for him that their relationship changes the dynamic of his relationship with them both. And what happens if they break up and it’s nasty ? Will he be expected to take sides. ?

This is such an odd post. Are you honestly saying you cannot predict any family members reactions to things? I can. I absolutely can guess how my family will react to certain things, I feel sad for you that you’re not close enough to anyone thay you can’t.

this is about proportionality.

Your son has not been hurt or had anything taken from him that belonged to him - he just feels a bit icked out and shocked.

I can completely understand why your daughter wanted to see how it went before telling him - look at how he has responded! He has been completely disproportionate in his response.

If he loves his sister and his friend he needs to take a deep breath and get over it - is he seriously going to let go of two people he really cares about over not being told immediately?

Op I think you aren't doing your son any favours encouraging his bitterness.

family feuds are very sad, we only live once - he needs to rememebr these are people he loves.

Why is it odd ? Yes you may be able to predict the reactions of family members, but it’s not black and white, and not everyone can. I think it’s perfectly reasonable to suggest that DS may have reacted completely differently had DD told him herself. As it was, he was hurt that everyone but him knew about the relationship, and that it had been going on for months - not to mention the realisation that both of them had lied to him throughout that time to cover. So that’s bound to have influenced his reaction.

If DD and BF weren’t bothered about other people finding out - which clearly they weren’t - then they should have considered his feelings and told him themselves. DS has a lot to deal with coming off the realisation that the two most important people in his life thought so little of him.

And your last sentence is rude and unnecessary. We’re randoms on the internet - you know as much about me as I do about you.