My son stopped talking to his sister after finding out she was dating his best friend, and I don’t know how to fix this

[pilarr]

I never thought I would be in a situation where my own children would become strangers to each other.

For context, I'm 46 years old and I have three kids. My oldest son is 19, my daughter is 18, and my youngest son is 14.

My oldest son has had the same best friend since they were 8 years old he is same age as my son. That boy has been part of our family for so long that I never really saw him as just a friend he was almost like another son to me. He was always at our house for dinners, sleepovers, holidays, and everything in between. I watched him grow up.

My daughter also grew up with him. They were the same age, went to the same school, and were always close friends. They would play together when they were younger, and as they got older they would go hiking or spend time together, especially when my son wasn’t around. I always thought they had a good friendship and that both of them were good kids.

About two months ago, my daughter came to me and told me something I wasn’t expecting she and my son’s best friend were dating. They had already been together for two months, and she told me it wasn’t just a small crush. They were serious about each other.

She was nervous telling me. The first thing I asked was whether my son knew. She said no, but she wanted to tell him herself and asked me not to say anything. I felt uncomfortable keeping something from my son, but I also felt it was my daughter’s responsibility to have that conversation with him.

My daughter is a very thoughtful person. She is not someone who makes decisions without thinking about the consequences, so I trusted that she had taken this seriously.

A month ago, my son found out from some friends that his sister and his best friend were dating. What hurt him the most was not only the relationship itself, but that everyone seemed to know except him.

He asked my daughter why she didn’t tell him. She explained that she was scared he would react exactly the way he did. She wanted to wait until she knew the relationship was serious because she didn’t want him to think it was just a temporary teenage crush.

My son was furious. He told her that she shouldn’t date his best friend and that things between them would never be the same. He also confronted his best friend, who tried to explain that he genuinely cared about my daughter and wasn’t playing around.

I understand why my son feels betrayed. His best friend was like a brother to him, and now he feels like that friendship has changed. He has also felt responsible for protecting his sister since their father passed away five years ago.

But I also told him that while his sister should have told him sooner, she did not do something wrong by having feelings for someone she cares about.

I can see both sides. My son is hurt, and my daughter feels guilty. She has cried to me because she misses her brother and doesn’t want to lose him. But my son is still angry and has completely shut both of them out.

It has been a month, and my two older kids barely speak. They act like strangers in the same house. I don’t want this to permanently damage the relationship between my children.

Give over. It’s natural for a young man to want to protect his sister when they’ve lost their father. How insensitive can you be. These two started a relationship, told all their friends and left the most important person out of the loop. He was the last to know and he found out from someone else. He’s entitled to be hurt, and he’s entitled to process it however he needs to. And OP has explained several times now that DD isn’t scared of him. She was worried he’d be hurt or upset - which is really no excuse for not telling someone something they need to know.

It is maladaptive, not natural. Protection from what? When? How?

Sons who lost their dad do not need to adult suddenly. And whether a son has a dad or not, ideally he would look out for a sibling (of any gender). Which does not mean having a stake in their love life, unless asked.

Doesn’t seem particularly enmeshed to me. There’s heavy emphasis on lying by omission, because that’s exactly what has happened here. Maybe look at the reality of the situation.

I give up. Have a nice evening.

More imperatives...

@pilarr If your dd and the friend had been open about it with your ds from the beginning do you think your son would have been more accepting of the relationship? Has he said to you that his reaction would have been different or just the same?

@pilarr - I think there is a difference between understanding that your son is affected by his sister's and his BF's relationship. But I also think there is a need to be honest with him in saying that he is being selfish and childish in the way he is reacting to it all. Sulking and making his sister and friend feel guilty is juvenile and manipulative.

Your son is thinking about himself and how the situation all affects him. He lost his playmate? The toy only your son is allowed to play with? He really needs to grow up.
The other approach - if he also cared about his sister and friend - would be to be happy for both of them. After all - he is friends with the guy, clearly he is a good guy and the type of BF he'd wish to his sister? NO?

Your son is offended he found out last. Sure, understandable. But also, completely understandable why your daughter did not tell him. He is probably also selfish in other ways, and she must have guessed his reaction.

Please stop pandering to your son and help him be less self-absorbed. You won't do any favours to the women he'll date one day.

Tbf my bet is that the son is gay or bi, but not fully out or maybe totally closeted, and sister and best friend are aware but did not know what best to do, because a different kind of sensitivity and perhaps jealousy would be in play. And that sister and best friend have been pulling away from the 'trio' for a while.

It sounds like they all have busy lives so with time they should 'find their tribe', whatever happens to the family unit as they enter their 20s and beyond.

Is there a cultural aspect to your posts?

You seem to be pathologising this and make it much bigger than it is and like it needs to be dealt with by outsider interventions and village elders.You seem to be unaware that it is very normal for siblings to feel this way and instead assign other reasons to it. Completely bizarre but perhaps explained by your culture. What a crazy narrative you have created.

Your post nails it. Out of all the possibilities, this is the most likely scenario to unfold. The son's relationship with his best mate will never be the same again. If they've been mates since they were 8 years old, that's very hard to deal with.

Reported for a personal attack.
Yes, I think more air, more light, opening up to people who bring different perspectives does help.
No, it is not normal to have high drama around a young woman dating someone she was obviously growing closer to and everyone seems to have liked.

Don’t let this thread push you in to defence of your son at the expense of your daughter though. She also hasn’t done anything wrong. Even keeping it from him is understandable as they knew he would be upset and they were right. They’re all young and finding their way. No one has done anything wrong but it’s ok that your son is upset about the situation too. He’d have been upset even if he was the first to know

You’ve consistently been vile about OPs son throughout the thread, accusing him of being abusive and controlling. It’s OTT to be honest

Well hopefully they might look at the context and understand that you're the one who kept asking the OP was there a cultural aspect at play in her family, hence why i asked the same of you.

If it does get deleted then I will know that they didn't in fact go back and see that.

No, I have said nothing personal. I am alarmed by the silent treatment persisting for over a month.

This. I continue to be disgusted by the things written on this thread about the son.
No wonder the suicide rate in young men is so high if women are freaking out in real life about them showing normal emotions and shouting about eggshells and shit whenever they express them.
I can't imagine how I would feel or react if my best friend and brother got together. The most sensible thing to do would be to disengage while emotions were high. He has every right to do so while he processes it all.

I am sure it will work out @pilarr , maybe not the friendship but he will come around with his sister. It will just take time.

Shame on everyone here demonising him.⁷

Fair dos. Respect for MNHQ.

No, it is not normal to have high drama around a young woman dating someone she was obviously growing closer to and everyone seems to have liked.

Oh, it is absolutely normal to have drama when that someone is your sibling’s best friend. Siblings fall out with each other over shit like this all the time.

You just don’t like that the son hasn’t smiled, nodded and done as he is told, as is the expectation of men on Mumsnet. Because he hasn’t complied, he’s is abusive. He is controlling. He’s been been mocked and pathologised over having feelings and acting accordingly. Involving third parties to coerce him into compliance has been suggested. It’s really, really sinister.

Falling out with someone isn’t silent treatment.

That is quite the judgment on Mumsnet.

ETA and counselling, etc are not about coercion and compliance! they are about truth and negotiation and interior freedom and healthy boundaries.

Tbf it’s responses like yours - turning a silly sibling fall out into something abusive and controlling and misogynistic that make people feel like MN has a twisted perspective when it comes to villainising males for the most mundane things

I voted YABU because it sounds like you're pandering to your son with talk about understanding that he feels betrayed, and him 'forgiving' her. It's ridiculous. There are certain relationships that you can apply this to, such as dating your sibling or best friends ex, but this is too silly for words. As I said before, he needs to grow up. I'm guessing your daughter is upset because although she realised that her brother might act like a fool, she wasn't expecting him to act quite so OTT.

This is a great question. @BunnyLake you have been asking and saying the most balanced and helpful things.

What about the son's 'healthy boundaries'?

He has every right to step away from a situation that upsets him or makes him uncomfortable.
Your childhood best friend and your younger sister together would certainly be considered awkward by most people.

Instead, you want him to put up and shut up with a smile on his face. God forbid he expresses a negative emotion around the new relationship.

Creepy.

So if you found out that your best friend and your sibling had been dating for months, your family and your shared friendship group all knew about it and you were the last to know - from someone else rather than your sibling or best friend telling you - you wouldn’t be the least bit put out ?