My son stopped talking to his sister after finding out she was dating his best friend, and I don’t know how to fix this

[pilarr]

I never thought I would be in a situation where my own children would become strangers to each other.

For context, I'm 46 years old and I have three kids. My oldest son is 19, my daughter is 18, and my youngest son is 14.

My oldest son has had the same best friend since they were 8 years old he is same age as my son. That boy has been part of our family for so long that I never really saw him as just a friend he was almost like another son to me. He was always at our house for dinners, sleepovers, holidays, and everything in between. I watched him grow up.

My daughter also grew up with him. They were the same age, went to the same school, and were always close friends. They would play together when they were younger, and as they got older they would go hiking or spend time together, especially when my son wasn’t around. I always thought they had a good friendship and that both of them were good kids.

About two months ago, my daughter came to me and told me something I wasn’t expecting she and my son’s best friend were dating. They had already been together for two months, and she told me it wasn’t just a small crush. They were serious about each other.

She was nervous telling me. The first thing I asked was whether my son knew. She said no, but she wanted to tell him herself and asked me not to say anything. I felt uncomfortable keeping something from my son, but I also felt it was my daughter’s responsibility to have that conversation with him.

My daughter is a very thoughtful person. She is not someone who makes decisions without thinking about the consequences, so I trusted that she had taken this seriously.

A month ago, my son found out from some friends that his sister and his best friend were dating. What hurt him the most was not only the relationship itself, but that everyone seemed to know except him.

He asked my daughter why she didn’t tell him. She explained that she was scared he would react exactly the way he did. She wanted to wait until she knew the relationship was serious because she didn’t want him to think it was just a temporary teenage crush.

My son was furious. He told her that she shouldn’t date his best friend and that things between them would never be the same. He also confronted his best friend, who tried to explain that he genuinely cared about my daughter and wasn’t playing around.

I understand why my son feels betrayed. His best friend was like a brother to him, and now he feels like that friendship has changed. He has also felt responsible for protecting his sister since their father passed away five years ago.

But I also told him that while his sister should have told him sooner, she did not do something wrong by having feelings for someone she cares about.

I can see both sides. My son is hurt, and my daughter feels guilty. She has cried to me because she misses her brother and doesn’t want to lose him. But my son is still angry and has completely shut both of them out.

It has been a month, and my two older kids barely speak. They act like strangers in the same house. I don’t want this to permanently damage the relationship between my children.

Your son is totally in the wrong. Has his friend had a girlfriend before? It sounds like jealousy rather than any concern for his sister.

Actually, my first reaction was exactly that I was happy for them, and she had my complete blessing. Of course, the first thing I wanted to know was whether my son was aware of it or not.

This seems extremely dramatic on both sides really. As a parent, I'd leave the pair of them to it. Your dd is allowed to date who she likes but hiding it from your ds wasn't the kindest. Your ds doesn't get to dictate who his sister can date.

Is your ds gay? Any chance he was hoping there was something romantic between him and the bestie, and that might explain the strong reaction?

I feel for your DS. There are some people you just don't date and both his friend and your DD have crossed a line. It's like that poster the other day on MN who is dating her DSis' ex-husband. Bleugh! You say this boy was like a brother to your DS, like a DS to you. Your DS will see this as a massive betrayal, particularly the part where he was the last one to find out. I don't think you can do anything tbh. You'll just have to give it time. You can plead with them both to talk, but I'm guessing your DS doesn't have anything he wants to talk about. His best friend and his DSis betrayed him and humiliated him by ensuring he was the last one to find out. That's very hard to forgive.

They are both in the wrong.
Your daughter for not being open from the start and your son for staying angry.
She should have confided in her brother before anyone else. He understandably feels foolish that everyone knew but him and sad that the dynamics between the three of them are changed but he needs to get over himself.

Not sure you can do anything but remain neutral.

There’s nothing you can do to fix it and you shouldn’t interfere. Give it time, but this may change the friendship forever and he may never trust his sibling.
jesus @Platlete! They are very young and still working out emotions and I’d be pretty upset if my brother started dating my best friend! It would change everything. Things would change anyway once your best mate got serious with someone but your own sibling? To have your nose rubbed in it constantly? Your worst fear already played out as they both kept it secret from you? He can’t get away from his sister so is doing the only thing he can which is ignore her.

What the actual fuck? Are you seriously saying no one should date their sibling’s best friend? That is completely mad.

Given how your son reacted, I'm not surprised your daughter didn't say anything. She can date anyone she wants (of legal age, etc.) and it is none of your son's business. I note that his best friend also choose to keep it secret from your son. Again, based on your son's reaction, I don't blame either of them.

I married my brother's best friend! 🤣🤣

Give it time. I've seen a situation like this, it all worked out fine in the end.

Your Son sounds like he has a lot of complicated emotions going on. Maybe it has brought up some issues about his dad not being here, having to be the man of the house, protecting the family, etc.

Could you suggest some therapy? Talking it through will help him to see that your dd hasn't done anything wrong and he hasn't lost his friend.

Yes, that is exactly what I'm saying. Out of all the guys in the world, why would you date your DB's best friend? Find someone else!

Tell them to watch a bit of Dawson's Creek / The Summer I turned Pretty or any number of other teen romance series... It's a tale as old as time, eventually somebody fancies someone's brother/sister/childhood best friend. That's just what young adulthood is like. No, things won't be the same as before, they will never be the same again, it is weird if a friend and a sibling get together, but it's even weirder if you don't even try to accept it. Your ds just has to accept it, whether he wants to or not, he can't undo the past and has little influence over what they do in the present and future. You should help him to see that his reaction is his own choice.

Because as we all know women are at greater risk of harm (due to the behaviours of some men). His dad passing away when they were 13 and 14, of course he would feel it is his responsibility to protect her. I think that is a good loving thing to think. It also may well have been a death bed promise to his dad. I’m not justifying his behaviour at the moment though. I get he is upset, his sister with his best friend is not something many teenage boys want to think about, but not talking to her a month later is sulking for too long.

I feel sorry for your son. His 2 closest relationships have changed for good. It’s like if 2 out of 3 friends decide to be ‘best friends’ and leave one out. I can see why he’s upset, he’s allowed to be upset - I’d be upset!

however, he needs to just get on with it. Keep them at arms length if he wants to. They don’t have the right to tell him that nothing has changed and he should act the same way, because it has changed!

he needs to get out and do things with other people, prepare for uni etc and leave them to it. Rise about it, tell them they’re knobs for not telling him (he’s probably embarrassed and does t know how to ‘be’ around them) and do his own thing.

I agree that your daughter should date who she likes.

But aren't you jumping the gun in thinking he'd fit in with the family. They are teenagers. Its the fall out from the almost enviable breakup that your son is upset about.

I think you need to sit them both down. Get them to lay out their point of view and explain to your son has to accept it. And to your daughter that the boy will always be your sons friend even after they split up and she will have to accept that should that be the case

Your son is being really bloody weird. I suspect that he and perhaps his friend have talked about women and sex in misogynist ways that makes him lose respect for his sister now he is forced to see that his friend sees her as a woman. Which she is. He needs to grow the fuck up and cancel his pornhub account

oh give over

She's not "scared" as in physically scared she will be hurt!
She was worried about his feelings.

You know well, why are you trying to create drama, it's silly

He was practically another son, you say. I can empathise that your ds is crushed because it's HIS bf and he was last to find out. Maybe he's finding it a bit weird that his bf is with his sister. The same thing happened to my cousin, she married her db's bf, but the friendship circle/family is very enmeshed and her db wasn't too bothered, fortunately, but I kind of get why he's upset.

This. He is at risk of becoming yet another entitled, controlling, abusive man.

The sister did not owe him any 'warning' about her love life.

How much enmeshed, proprietorial, and emotionally incestuous behaviour passes under 'blood bond'.

Your son is jealous, sure, not knowing while everyone else did is not great but primarily he's jealous because he's been his best mate for years. Been in this situation myself, dated best friends brother. She didn't talk to me for months then it all just calmed down and all back to normal once she had time to get her head around it.

I'd just leave them to it tbh, they will work it out.

Stay out of it mama. It's something they have to navigate

Guys best friend has a sister a year younger, they spent a lot of time together all 3, and then the best friend and the sister even spent time together just the 2 of them. Yeah, probably more likely something would happen than would not! 😁

No short term solution OP but let me reassure you that a good friend of mine married her bothers long term best friend and they continue to be a very close family and friendship group 25 years on. They were older late 20's when they got together, I suspect in your situation they are very young and the conflict of normal managing emotions, hormones, growing up and so on is the real challenge here. Support them both and fingers crossed. x

You can't guarantee that the male friendship is forever! What even is this.

Exactly. I wouldn't like to be the last to know that my sister was dating my bst friend, not when I was a teen anyway. It's probably the secrecy-he's told his friend everything his whole life, and now this feels like betrayal, especially as boys are less likely to have people to talk to about emotional things, and still expected by many to be emotionally tougher than girls.
But there's nothing you can do OP, other than make it clear you're there to talk to. Relatively few siblings stay close anyway, and she has made her choice, he has to as well.