My son stopped talking to his sister after finding out she was dating his best friend, and I don’t know how to fix this

[pilarr]

I never thought I would be in a situation where my own children would become strangers to each other.

For context, I'm 46 years old and I have three kids. My oldest son is 19, my daughter is 18, and my youngest son is 14.

My oldest son has had the same best friend since they were 8 years old he is same age as my son. That boy has been part of our family for so long that I never really saw him as just a friend he was almost like another son to me. He was always at our house for dinners, sleepovers, holidays, and everything in between. I watched him grow up.

My daughter also grew up with him. They were the same age, went to the same school, and were always close friends. They would play together when they were younger, and as they got older they would go hiking or spend time together, especially when my son wasn’t around. I always thought they had a good friendship and that both of them were good kids.

About two months ago, my daughter came to me and told me something I wasn’t expecting she and my son’s best friend were dating. They had already been together for two months, and she told me it wasn’t just a small crush. They were serious about each other.

She was nervous telling me. The first thing I asked was whether my son knew. She said no, but she wanted to tell him herself and asked me not to say anything. I felt uncomfortable keeping something from my son, but I also felt it was my daughter’s responsibility to have that conversation with him.

My daughter is a very thoughtful person. She is not someone who makes decisions without thinking about the consequences, so I trusted that she had taken this seriously.

A month ago, my son found out from some friends that his sister and his best friend were dating. What hurt him the most was not only the relationship itself, but that everyone seemed to know except him.

He asked my daughter why she didn’t tell him. She explained that she was scared he would react exactly the way he did. She wanted to wait until she knew the relationship was serious because she didn’t want him to think it was just a temporary teenage crush.

My son was furious. He told her that she shouldn’t date his best friend and that things between them would never be the same. He also confronted his best friend, who tried to explain that he genuinely cared about my daughter and wasn’t playing around.

I understand why my son feels betrayed. His best friend was like a brother to him, and now he feels like that friendship has changed. He has also felt responsible for protecting his sister since their father passed away five years ago.

But I also told him that while his sister should have told him sooner, she did not do something wrong by having feelings for someone she cares about.

I can see both sides. My son is hurt, and my daughter feels guilty. She has cried to me because she misses her brother and doesn’t want to lose him. But my son is still angry and has completely shut both of them out.

It has been a month, and my two older kids barely speak. They act like strangers in the same house. I don’t want this to permanently damage the relationship between my children.

He is hurt and he is trying to process what’s happened. DD and her BF are not the injured party here. OP involving herself in welcoming the ‘young man she loves’ will just add fuel to the fire. Stop stirring.

What would be your ideal outcome in this OP?

Gently, I would suggest discussing with a Sister or a wise priest, if that is an option. I wish her first love could be happy and I fear that she will distance herself from everyone as she grows older. I do not think your son's decision is entirely reasonable, and he needs to learn to forgive.

I really don’t see what the big issue is. If they were close before it will likely blow over in time. If they weren’t? Well plenty of siblings drift apart overtime. Maybe only meeting up for the sake of parents and once they are gone they are off to their own entirely separate lives.

Honestly no one is the villain in this particular piece. Sure your daughter could have been a bit more forthcoming at least in time to head off everyone else knowing BUT her brother. I’m saying this for her sake but those people unwilling to have difficult conversations are doomed to have difficult relationships.

Your son? He’s mourning an old trio dynamic where everyone was roughly equal. Now two of those people are dating at least for the foreseeable future especially for the honeymoon period (however long that lasts) and he’ll be the perennial third wheel. Does he have the right to be emotional center of everyone’s lives? Of course not, but does he have the right to feel a grief at the loss of the old dynamic? Very much so.

They are adults now. This is where you step back, you have done your parenting it’s time to let them sink or swim by their own choices now. You can support but the era parental intervention is over.

"He has been betrayed because they lied to him.
He isn't controlling anything but himself. Their choices and actions showed they don't value the relationship with him and he has ended his relationship with both because of that. It's not the silent treatment because he doesn't owe either of them a relationship.
Everyone keeps saying the daughter can date who she wants. Of course she can. The son can also decide he no longer wants to put effort into relationships with people who lie to his face. They were acting one way around him and completely different behind his back.
If they had been hiding the relationship from everyone while figuring it out themselves that's completely reasonable, that's privacy. They weren't. They were an open couple around all their friends. He was betrayed because of how they treated him, not because they are dating."

For me, it's this. We all fuck up. Your DD and her BF (your DS's ex-BF) have fucked up in their handling of this. It was accidental but allowing this to become known to DS's friends before he became aware of it was bound to make things worse when he became aware. He knows that they have lied to him and gone behind his back whilst somehow allowing their relationship to become public knowledge. Tricky as it was, they should have prioritised letting him know and he's allowed to be angry that they didn't. But look - they're very young. This kind of situation is tricky to handle; much older people would have struggled with it also. Most likely in time it will blow over. A couple of years ago, my DDs (then aged about 16 and 18) had a serious falling out (completely different circumstances) and didn't really speak for about 6 weeks. I found it difficult but in the end accepted that I couldn't force them to be friends if they weren't feeling friendly. And it did blow over.

Maybe he feels they should have understood that. Maybe he isn’t ready yet.

If the daughter is in a relationship with a good family friend, it needs to be welcomed or it is alienating.

Having more than one child means dealing with several scenarios at once. Not putting the normal development of one on hold. Nor letting another's mood run unchecked.

Thank goodness for a sensible post.

If the young adults are NEETs stuck at home and the family is very traditional, a 3rd party (counsellor or similar) perhaps could bring perspective. As parenting-type situations become unavoidable.

Well no, considering he himself has ended both relationships

He hasn’t “ended both relationships”. There’s been a falling out, barely a month ago. They haven’t been banished to the tower.

Eh right now both relationships are over.

I didn’t actually think about the logistics of it. How awkward.

Even if your son were speaking to his sister and his friend, how does it work?

When once the friend came to the house to spend time with your son, he is now coming to see your daughter.

Would he still spend time with your son in his room, or would they all spend time together in the living space as a threesome? Or would he hang out in your daughter’s room, and see your son only in the communal areas? Or would he split his time between your daughter’s room and your son’s room? Mondays are friend nights, and Tuesdays being girlfriend nights.

Fucking cringe! No wonder your son is avoiding them!

That’s the second time you’ve suggested involving the church even though OP has made no mention of religious sensibilities. The way you are posting suggests that you are projecting your own feelings and that says more about you than it does about OP. Despite her posting and directly replying to your points, you’re still trying to convince her that DD and her BF are the injured party here, when clearly they are not. There is nothing here that, left to their own devices, they can’t sort out for themselves.

Of course, they have to be civil and respectful toward each other. I also have a 14 year old son, and he is important too.

Both of them are in university. Since we are in London, there are many good universities here, so they are in the same city. My son also does part-time modelling and works part-time at a luxury travel agency, so he has his own income and independence.

My daughter is currently doing an internship, so yes, they are both doing well.

I can't help wondering why his best friend didn't tell him he was dating the sister. It isn't all on the sister to tell him. Unless they're not such best friends as he thinks?

Get a grip. You're the one being shown in a shockingly bad light.

These are all great points. Clearly everyone is going to have to adjust to make things work and the one who is going to be most affected is DS, for the reasons you’ve laid out here. I think DS needs to be left alone until he has processed the situation and is ready to move forward.

Agree. I’ve reported it. This hasn’t come from a place of support, it’s just pure vitriol.

She has a Spanish username, traditional Catholic ideas about sinning by omission, and patriarchal values about the elder son filling in for the dad or having to 'handle' his sister's relationships as a situation. She also posts like a fluent English as a second language user. I have asked outright about Spanish/Latin culture. No response. So I am fishing. If there is a cultural element to all this, maybe there are cultural structures that would help.

Your son sounds like a bit of a brat. Sorry but he sounds like a petulant child. Noone has asked him to "protect" his sister. As someone else said, if this is how he behaves with his sister, goodness knows how controlling he'll be with a partner. Id be having strong words with him about his behaviour.
If he hadn't of made her worried in the first place, she wouldn't have hidden it. Poor girl.

Then stop fishing. OP has the right not to out herself just for your satisfaction. A Spanish username doesn’t necessarily mean she is Spanish and it doesn’t give you the right to try to get her to give more identifying information than she’s comfortable with.

That is quite imperious 😆
I am not asking anyone to out themselves. I am thinking of possible cultural aspects to the enmeshedness and the heavy emphasis on 'lying by omission'. And what might help.