AIBU to expect better contact while partner is away at a conference?

[jmrpinkie]

Hoping mumsnetters can tell set me on the straight and narrow. Two kids - 4 months and 5. Partner has gone away for the first time since baby was born. He doesn’t travel with work so this is rare. He’s at a conference. He went Monday and is back today. He is absolutely rubbish at communicating. He went abroad for a week with work and he barely communicated with me. We talked a lot about it after and he agreed if he went away again it would be better.

since he left it has been better for sure. He has communicated normally during the day Monday Tuesday but yesterday I didn’t hear from him after about 1. He didn’t respond to me. And still haven’t heard from him.

to be clear - when he’s away like this he’s not absolutely swamped or back to back meetings, or schmoozing clients

YABU - one side of me thinks, he rarely does this, he’s distracted, it’s tricky to call us when he’s moving between work place and bar etc etc. let him be. If I’m really bothered I could call him and I’m sure he’d make the time.

YANBU - other side thinks it’s not difficult to call us for 10 minutes and check in. How baby is. Say hi to son. Luckily son doesn’t seem to have even noticed he’s been gone.

what we saying?!?

Are your messages being read?
DH managed to lose his phone on a trip recently.

I don’t personally see anything wrong with the level of contact you’re receiving. However, that’s me. If you have very specific ideas of how much contact you should receive, you should make it crystal clear or you’ll continue to be on different pages. And by that I mean specifically how much and when, not just vague notions of “being better”, which means one thing to one person and something different to another.

If I’d already been in contact with DH and young children earlier in the day, I wouldn’t see it as a necessity. You sound as if you resent him being away and have expectations for a high level of contact as though in compensation. Have you communicated exactly what you expect and why?

If I’m away, I’m away. If I’m at a conference, or especially if I’m in an archive, I’m generally AWOL. I barely remember I have a DH and a child.

Only you know what's acceptable for you. I just checked my phone and it was around Christmas I last messaged my partner and he's been away for work and I've been away too. What's normal for you?

If you heard from him Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday morning, plus he's back today I can't see the issue? He's contacted you daily when away and would be seeing you once home later.

If you have an idea of what communication you want, you should be explicit about it, and likewise he should be explicit about what he is capable of giving you and what his intentions are for calls etc.

This is all solved by agreements being made BEFORE the fact.
He’s home today. Don’t give him a hard time - just say next time you’d like a better plan in place.
Mis-matched expectations are the bane of every relationship, so they should be talked about to avoid this sort of anxiety, disappointment and resentment.

Why do you feel the need for such regular contact?

I prefer to have minimal contact. I'm happily married but I like having a week where it's just me. Makes me miss him all the more and appreciate him when he's home. Plus then there's more to catch up on when he's home.
Assuming from the age of your kids that you're younger. My first relationships were on ones with no phones so then it was normal.
But everyone is different and and what is good for me may be not for you. 🙂

What sort of contact do you want? What can he practically do ? You sound either needy or suspicious.

But you've heard from him everyday? Just not after 1pm from yesterday and he's home today? Seems plenty to me.

10 min phone call daily? When factoring in other people's schedules, and a baby's schedule, and possibly a time difference?? Unreasonable.

Couple of messages, minimium 1 a day. Totally reasonable.

Being away with work is hard work. Being home alone with kids that age is hard work. I've done both. Be nice to each other.

What do you mean he contacted you normally, what does that look like when he’s not away. He’s been in touch at some point every day, which for me would be fine. If I’m away for work or at a conference that’s where my focus is because they’re usually pretty full days with a lot of information to take on board. I’d be in some kind of contact every day but that might be by text message or a quick call. Doesn’t mean I care less, but my focus needs to be where I am.

You have heard from him every day, mostly multiple times apart from yesterday. YABU.

One video a day for the 5 year old - video so it can be watched anytime and on repeat
snd a text or csll a day for adult that should surfice

It sounds like he's been in touch every day, which would be what I'd expect. As others have said, if you explicitly wanted more contact you should have agreed this beforehand. Conferences can be quite full on and hard to carve out time.

YABU he’s at work.

Work trips are exhausting. Even when he’s not actively in a meeting or standing by a conference booth he’ll be having breakfast, lunch, dinner and drinks with his colleagues. It’s not a good time to text, let alone take a phone call.

I usually only phone DH once I’m back in the hotel room, so like 10.30pm.

You know he’s at work, so why do you need constant communication?

I’d be worried that your five year old hasn’t seemed to have noticed he’s not there! Does your husband work long hours?

I think I’d expect a text in the evening but that’s about it and that’s all I do if I’m away. I rarely call unless something dramatic has happened.

I travel for work regularly, conferences and suchlike. I always, always message a 'good morning' and ''night night" to my husband. But in between those messages it's sporadic. Because I'm busy - chatting to people, networking, or sat in a lecture theatre listening to a talk, or in a business meeting. All scenarios where you can't have your phone out as it's unprofessional and rude. If it gets to afternoon I'll try to fire off a quick note home from the loo. It's not like my normal working day where I've got my phone sat next to me on the desk.

Evenings suck, too. - you normally have precisely 6 minutes to turn around a shower, brew, change of clothes and 'meet back downstairs yeah?' 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Good grief, give him a break.

You sound very needy.
I am away for work at the moment. In the place I used to live. I am not hanging off my phone to home. A couple of messages per day. If there was an emergency that would be different. I am working, dealing with clients, resting when I can and seeing friends from here.
As he will be doing.
**

I think you need to unclench. I would be mega pissed off If my husband expected me to ring or text all the time when I’m away with work (i travel a fair bit and so does he - usually I hear from him once a day and if he can he will call the kids but my kids know not to expect this) you would hate to hear he left 2 days after I gave birth and I also didn’t expect to hear from him every hour etc 🤣 - what’s the issue Op are you struggling or something?

Left Monday, back Thursday. So only 2 full days he's actually away? I wouldn't expect more than a quick "got here safe" on the Monday, maybe a couple of messages either Tuesday or Wednesday if anything particularly interesting or funny had happened and nothing today because he'll be home later.

I was away for 10 days long haul with work recently. I did two calls in that time and messaged a few times but not every day.

It’s three days, not months so I’d say you are being a little bit unreasonable and needy yes. I understand how tough it is when you’re stuck at home with young children so not judging, I definitely struggled more when DH was away and I was left behind. I think in my mind he was having a rest and I didn’t get such an opportunity.

Now I sometimes work away too, in fact I worked away during the week and only came home at weekends for a short spell when I did my post doc. I did FaceTime DC most nights but didn’t feel the need to text DH much.

He hasn't been incommunicado though. You've heard from him Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday; then he returns Thursday.
That's a lot.