AIBU to expect better contact while partner is away at a conference?

[jmrpinkie]

Hoping mumsnetters can tell set me on the straight and narrow. Two kids - 4 months and 5. Partner has gone away for the first time since baby was born. He doesn’t travel with work so this is rare. He’s at a conference. He went Monday and is back today. He is absolutely rubbish at communicating. He went abroad for a week with work and he barely communicated with me. We talked a lot about it after and he agreed if he went away again it would be better.

since he left it has been better for sure. He has communicated normally during the day Monday Tuesday but yesterday I didn’t hear from him after about 1. He didn’t respond to me. And still haven’t heard from him.

to be clear - when he’s away like this he’s not absolutely swamped or back to back meetings, or schmoozing clients

YABU - one side of me thinks, he rarely does this, he’s distracted, it’s tricky to call us when he’s moving between work place and bar etc etc. let him be. If I’m really bothered I could call him and I’m sure he’d make the time.

YANBU - other side thinks it’s not difficult to call us for 10 minutes and check in. How baby is. Say hi to son. Luckily son doesn’t seem to have even noticed he’s been gone.

what we saying?!?

When dh was working away I’d always get a good morning text asking how we were and he would phone in the evening sometimes it was a 5 minute call other times it was longer but he was still in contact.

ypu don’t just go away and forget to phone home or even text.

It’s not necessarily about forgetting. Some people tend to compartmentalise their lives more so it really is out of sight out of mind when they are away from home. Reading the thread it’s clear that there is this variation in level of contact when away. The broader issue is more about overall communication of needs and wants.

When ever me or DH are away we very rarely text and never ring. Texts are most likely to be "on the 4 o'clock" or "been delayed eta now 8". Occasionally "Oh my God, I was in the bar til 2 am with M and am very tired"

Obviously if there was a crisis we'd call- like the time DD had an asthma attack and I went from lying on a hotel bed to the station and then a&e. But other than that, doesn't even cross my mind to contact him or expect it from him. Same when the kids were tiny, they didn't expect daily contact from the one who was away. Nowadays they can track us online and I sometimes get questions like "what were you doing in the gay village til 2am" to which the answer is "drinking cocktails and having a bloody good time"

Exactly.

to clarify. Not suspicious at all of what he’s up to lol 😂 yes probably am a bit needy at the moment whilst exclusively breast feeding, up three times in the night alongside probably being very envious of him being able to go away for 3 nights.

some of these messages are really helpful thank you. Going to lean on the 50% of my brain that says give him a break. Maybe I want a bit more empathy from him by asking how was your night with DD but tbh that’s something he can do when he’s back.

thanks all

He’s been in touch every day so I don’t see what the issue is. My husband regularly works away. He’ll try and call each day or at least send a quick message but not always. It just depends on what’s going on.

I went away on holiday to USA for 2 weeks with a friend and I never contacted my DH. He only messaged me once to wish me a happy birthday!

I can imagine you're exhausted, but if you're on maternity leave, wouldn't you be at home with your baby anyway? In not too long, you'll be back at work, and able to bugger off for a few nights and concentrate purely on professional matters, too.

Why does he need to communicate, though? Why can't he just go and come back and you both enjoy a break?

When me or DH work away, we'll make time for one phone call between us around bedtime, and one video chat with DC earlier in the day. I don't feel any need for constant communication as when you are away its not just conference sessions you are attending, but conversations about them, networking, wandering around stalls and chatting to people.

for sure and also he can’t help at night either with the breast feeding but the help in the AM and with our son in the evening is lovely 😻 but actually it’s been ok!

You said he has improved this time OP, that's great! Don't push things too hard.

if I’m being honest I don’t need to talk to him! I guess it’s more our son. As he didn’t speak to him yesterday. This morning he said he missed him but don’t think it’s related to him not speaking to him yesterday.

Yes. This is very very true. This has clarified - I am being unreasonable!!!

DH would usually try and ring at DCs bedtime, and may call again in the evening if it wasn't too late. During the day I wouldn't expect to hear anything. Sometimes, they just can't call.

At a conference you really need to stay in work mode, it's tiring and if you have any downtime you need it just to rest, and frankly you may not want to spend that time hearing how things are at home.

So do you think your son really cares that much or are you projecting? If you told him daddy was at work, taking care of the family and will be back soon, I dont think it would be a thing that weighed on his mind at all. I love when I'm away on business and when DH is away. If we don't go away together, we get a break from each other and routine. Makes it nice to have things to talk about when we get home.

No I’m definitely not making these feeling known to my son at all but this is really really useful in response to when he does say he misses him!

And would he miss him anymore or less if he had called him yesterday - no I can’t imagine he would. I like the idea of someone saying to send a video!

When either of us is away on work/stag/hen do's/ski trip etc. we generally have a rule of sending a message in the morning and a message to say goodnight when you get to bed.
That way when the one at home wakes up they can see you got back safely and thought of them when you got home :)
Husband had dreadful contact when we first met, and only understood it can be a bit frustrating when I went away on a girls trip and didn't message once! Now we are in agreement on a couple of morning/night message and maybe a call once or twice on a trip. Every couple has different expecations though so you need to just tell him next time you'd like a call here and there if it's important to you. Don't make it a big deal though.

Do you speak to him many times a day when he's working ordinarily? While he's away on a work trip, I would expect less communication than you'd normally get in a standard work day.

My DH is away a lot with work. His first trip was when eldest was 2 and baby was 4 weeks. It's normal for us. DH tries to call at bedtime or tea time if it is convenient for him around his work commitments on his trip, and if he can't or there's a time difference he sends us a video message. Keeps the children happy. We also have recorded him reading stories to play on their yoto players too. Would any of this work for you? Our children 5 and 3 now. We hear from him or we don't.

From the perspective of the mum who has been on several work trips abroad with 3 young DC under the age of 7:
Work trips are exhausting and, while I try my best, I don’t manage to contact home often at all. We don’t do video calls because it upsets the kids. DH might get a ‘arrived safely’ message and the occasional ‘good night, I love you’ message but that’s it.
Once I get home, DH gets the next free day to himself and I take the kids all day.

Really good suggestions thank you! We have a tonies and can do this I think so must look at that.

during the day we will communicate about nonsense. Admin bits is all. Not like general chat and some days I may not hear from him at all and vice versa. I think my expectation (which I def did not communicate with him lol) was a text in the am and one in the evening and if either of them could be calls then great but yes sometimes that’s not possible one way or another. So I guess it was not hearing from him last night maybe they annoyed me. But it’s one nigjt. Get over it !!!!

He's been away for less than three days and is due home today, so I'm unsure what you need him to be "communicating" with you about?
He spoke to you on Monday and Tuesday so I don't think the fact you didn't speak to him yesterday is really of any concern. As you mentioned, you could contact him, but I wouldn't unless it was a matter of urgency/importance.
He is away with work, so whilst he may not be "swamped or back to back meetings, or schmoozing clients" he is still working. Don't give him the added pressure of feeling like he needs to keep you happy by contacting you constantly.

When one of us goes away we always send a text in the morning and usually one before bed, then it would depend on how busy the day is as to whether you get more than that. If I didn't get a good morning or goodnight text though I'd be miffed.

Calls I can take or leave, especially if there's a time difference, but we do sometimes do videos for the kids.

I’ve re read my post abd sorry I maybe wrote it not very clear. I didn’t expect him to continuously text me all day. I just thought he’d have text last night.

but yeah this is helpful and all very true.