AIBU to expect better contact while partner is away at a conference?

[jmrpinkie]

Hoping mumsnetters can tell set me on the straight and narrow. Two kids - 4 months and 5. Partner has gone away for the first time since baby was born. He doesn’t travel with work so this is rare. He’s at a conference. He went Monday and is back today. He is absolutely rubbish at communicating. He went abroad for a week with work and he barely communicated with me. We talked a lot about it after and he agreed if he went away again it would be better.

since he left it has been better for sure. He has communicated normally during the day Monday Tuesday but yesterday I didn’t hear from him after about 1. He didn’t respond to me. And still haven’t heard from him.

to be clear - when he’s away like this he’s not absolutely swamped or back to back meetings, or schmoozing clients

YABU - one side of me thinks, he rarely does this, he’s distracted, it’s tricky to call us when he’s moving between work place and bar etc etc. let him be. If I’m really bothered I could call him and I’m sure he’d make the time.

YANBU - other side thinks it’s not difficult to call us for 10 minutes and check in. How baby is. Say hi to son. Luckily son doesn’t seem to have even noticed he’s been gone.

what we saying?!?

I didn’t msg or talk to my DH for 5 days when he was at a work event, it was bliss! We had loads to catch up on we did our women thing, I knew where he was. Everyone is so different you need to let him know what you’d like. We had agreed to not chat before he went I was needing some headspace after a tricky time and he was busy!

I find it really hard to find a time to call my teens when I’m on a work trip (they’d be with their dad but my youngest tends to want to speak). Texting is much easier as people can come to it when they’re ready.

With a partner, yes I’d think that daily contact would be nice, but not lengthy strings of messages or phone calls, and I wouldn’t think more than once a day was needed, unless for a particular reason.

I was going to say it does sound like you’re envious that he is having 3 nights to himself whilst you’ve got a 5 year old and little baby at home. I think that your feelings are valid and a lot of woman who ebf feel like this sometimes. To be honest, even when I switched to formula when my baby was 2 months I’d get envious about DH being able to have 45 mins peace in the car on the way to and from work! Haha.

My biggest tip is please ensure you also have a break yourself, DH will be fine with both kids for a couple of hours whilst you do something for yourself once a week. I know it’s hard to do much longer when baby is so little but once they are on solids you can do extra time!

I don’t personally see a huge issue in the level of contact xx

I'm the one who travels in our household, I drop the occasional text in the morning or before bed as I'm generally too busy during the day to think about it. I'll Facetime if I get opportunity but it's not a given.

With a baby and young children I would expect an early evening call to check in. You’re not being unreasonable.

Hello! This dynamic sounds v similar to husband and I. It sounds more like mismatched expectations that anyone being particularly unreasonable. Your days will be soooooo long as they are with a baby so no message for 24 hrs or whatever seems like an age, where as he’ll have the opposite, going from work thing to going out etc and the time slips away without realising how quick its going and not getting around to messaging. I wouldn’t give him a particularly hard time, instead focus firstly on the fact it’s better this time. Then make sure you communicate with him either when he’s out there or when he’s back and just explain what you’d like communication wise, eg text in morn and night minimum, then he can work on it. In the mean time give yourself and him a lot of goodwill, 4 months in is in the thick of it all! Hope he enjoys the break and you feel positive soon, it’s a good chance to work on communication and expectations which are so important. Good luck x

I communicate with my partner all day, every day. Understand it’s not the norm and sometimes it’s pointless chat but we just do it.

I don’t know if you’re familiar yourself with attending a work conference but they are exhausting and normally jam packed. I find my social battery is zero by the end of the day. You’re usually up early, breakfast with colleagues. All day events, activities with colleagues dependent on the organisation people you’ve never met before. Then it’s tea after a full day. Some companies I’ve worked with do activities with drinking. I literally check out of my life when I’m on them. Not intentionally but because they are draining and very demanding.

I don’t think it’ll be purposefully and the situation will just feel worse for you as your on maternity leave

It sounds as though you feel there should be contact more than once a day. Many partners here would I guess have no need of that. If that is what you need you must tell him exactly so he can at least try and get it right.

I've got to admit I would find this expectation of contact extremely annoying.

It wasn't a work trip as such but I had to go and look after an elderly relative for a week to give another relative (who the elderly relative lived with) a break.

While I was there, I caught up with some old friends. So, yes, it was a combination of 'work' with a couple of hours fun a day.

So OK not exactly comparable but roughly the same sort of thing.

My ex was blowing up my phone morning and night.
'Why haven't you called today? Oh I'd expect to hear from you etc?'
It pissed me off.
Part of the reason he's the ex.

You're an adult. Your son can go without seeing and hearing from his father for a few days, surely?
You need to find some other sort of support. Really you do.

When one of us is away we barely communicate. Maybe a couple of lines a day. That's normal. I'd find needing to meet your level of communications too much.

You seem needy. I'd want more contact for your 5 year old perhaps, not you.

I don’t think it’s needy at all. Regular contact every day with wife and child is very normal and what I thought happened in all families

Nope. If I’m away from work, or indeed just at work on something very consuming, I’m not up for contact at all, unless there’s an emergency.

Massively unreasonable, OP. Why does he need to contact you every day? He's working, he's busy and telling you about the conference would probably be very boring for both of you.
You're at home, doing your normal thing, you're fine - why wouldn't you be? Do you really want your partner to view you as the poor, pathetic Little Woman who can't cope at home without a man?..... Thought not!
In the unlikely event that either of you had an emergency, I'm sure the information would be passed on.
Just let him get on with his conference, and please don't be "that wife".

That would feel sad for me. In a loving family and marriage I’d at least want a check in before bed every night, and a ‘good morning’ especially as OP is home breastfeeding their baby. It just seems the nice loving thing to do. Each to their own i suppose

I’d be livid! Surely you sent him photos at least?

I agree

I don’t think it’s about not coping, she’s coping very well. It’s just normal husband and wife contact between a couple and the children. I find some of these posts very odd that people can just go away and switch off from each other, especially with a baby

I think most people are reading this as though you want constant contact, I have read it as though you want daily contact (which is not unreasonable!!)
My partner and I do text regularly throughout our days - I work 9-5 and he works late shifts so we don’t spend as much physical time together as a lot of couples so texting is probably more than normal. I would definitely expect a good morning check in, and a good night check in and he would expect the same from me at a minimum. It takes no time at all to send a quick text before you go to bed.

You sound clingy and needy there i said it.
You can cope without a man or the need to hear from him for a few days.
And you have to talk alot about it when he gets home to talk about him not contacting you enough.

This is how my ex was pleased im single.

I have a baby too and my husband works away every week for 3/4 days at time. Different time zones etc. I do not expect to hear from him. And if I have a moment between the baby, the dog, my work, my chores..I might shoot him a text to say all ok here love you! If he happens to text it might be something like a nice photo (depending on where he is) with something like thinking of you all. Just basic not regular contact.

Generalising here but in my experience most men don't need as much contact as women. I don't think he is being unreasonable, what is there to talk about that is so urgent? Probably nothing. I am a contacter but find when I am away with work or friends I don't call or message DH much, especially calling.

I would be really upset by this and assume he’s shagging a colleague

Do you usually text during the working day

I think once a day is perfectly acceptable. He is on a works conference not on holiday.