AIBU to expect better contact while partner is away at a conference?

[jmrpinkie]

Hoping mumsnetters can tell set me on the straight and narrow. Two kids - 4 months and 5. Partner has gone away for the first time since baby was born. He doesn’t travel with work so this is rare. He’s at a conference. He went Monday and is back today. He is absolutely rubbish at communicating. He went abroad for a week with work and he barely communicated with me. We talked a lot about it after and he agreed if he went away again it would be better.

since he left it has been better for sure. He has communicated normally during the day Monday Tuesday but yesterday I didn’t hear from him after about 1. He didn’t respond to me. And still haven’t heard from him.

to be clear - when he’s away like this he’s not absolutely swamped or back to back meetings, or schmoozing clients

YABU - one side of me thinks, he rarely does this, he’s distracted, it’s tricky to call us when he’s moving between work place and bar etc etc. let him be. If I’m really bothered I could call him and I’m sure he’d make the time.

YANBU - other side thinks it’s not difficult to call us for 10 minutes and check in. How baby is. Say hi to son. Luckily son doesn’t seem to have even noticed he’s been gone.

what we saying?!?

I voted YANBU because you've spoken about it at length after the last time and agreed on what being better looks like. So therefore as you both have laid out your expectations then it's not unreasonable to expect they should be met.

Regardless of what other people feel is a good level of communication for them, what they would be doing, what they'd expect of their partner etc, you've had a chat within your relationship and now feel let down as he's not done what you expected he would.

Also I fell off a hormonal cliff edge when my babies were 4 months. Estrogen and progesterone levels drop to their lowest point making mothers more emotional and tired. So being a bit needy at this stage is really very normal!

It’s so hard working away and having to work around other peoples timescales on what you have to do

its also seen to be rude to text and talk whilst working

you seem quite controlling @jmrpinkie especially as you haven’t seen to be concerned about any issues in the past

That's some massively disordered thinking there. Plenty of people have said it's a normal amount of contact whilst on a work trip. It's about the same as I contact my DH when I'm away for work and I'm not shagging a colleague.

Blooming heck. I went away for work more than DH did (was very rare for him). I made contact once per trip - at the end at the airport when it was set in stone plane would be taking off on time, and then it was a text to confirm I was on schedule for return.

DH did not ring or contact me (text/email) unless it was an emergency issue so if I heard from him I knew it was something serious. He did not expect me to call/contact him every day to jolly him along, he was a big boy and just got on with it with kids (including babies from 12mths as I didn’t go on conferences involving travel whenever one was under 12 months as I breastfed). He has my utter respect and thanks for this.

I didn’t speak with kids while away as was no need, if they asked after me DH told them they would see /talk to me when I got home, and if little and necessary (no concept of number of days) he would do a countdown board on the fridge, apart from that it was clear to them, I was working, I would be home in x days.

I’d expect to talk to him each evening and say night.
This is normal in a close relationship.
Plus you are on your own with the kids!
I’d be fuming with him.
He’d be on lockdown when he’s back!! 😂

How does this enter your mind?

We would have zero contact if working away. I didn’t shag colleagues, or anyone, it’s such a bizarre thing to think. I just thought I’d left the household in the hands of a competent adult parent who could just get on with, and manage whatever was necessary, and if I didn’t think that I would never have had kids with him!

So if I go away with woek my husband has to think I am shagging someone but he is sat at home being needy? or is it only paranoid women who need contstant attrention?

That little communication wouldn't fly for either of us nor have I had that sort of thing in past relationships.
My current partner and I check in throughout the day on a normal work day let alone away.

My dh worked abroad for about 4 to 6 weeks at a time quite regularly when the children were little. We'd check in by text most days and have a family phone call once a week. We never have and still don't have conversations by text.

Sounds like me when I go away for work. I think because expectations were set low before we even had children, probably partly because it was in the days before hotel WiFi and smartphones so to be in touch would have been costly. Now I send the odd WhatsApp message/photo and say when arrived somewhere but that's pretty much it.

I know it’s different with young children. But I travelled for work recently and realised I’d gone the full working day without sending a text because I was so busy / with clients a lot. I fired one off quickly as I dropped stuff at the hotel to go back out. And I’m someone who’s honestly obsessed with my husband 😂🤦🏽‍♀️ I’ve often just got laser focus on the couple of days I’m away and what I’ve got on.

My husband can also be a terrible texter. When we were first dating I thought he wasn’t interested. Then I realised once when I was round his - he was looking for his phone to set a morning alarm and he’d left it in the car, all evening, that he just wasn’t on his phone very much. It put paid to my anxious attachment.

Maybe if you have certain expectations of an amount of contact say exactly what you need.

Hope your solo parenting days haven’t been too tough! X