To wonder why people sometimes ghost good friends who did nothing wrong?

[ThatIcyLion]

I’m not talking about abuse, toxic dynamics, safety issues or situations where the friendship had clearly broken down.

I mean situations where the friend had done nothing obviously wrong, you liked them, valued the friendship, things seemed broadly fine… yet you still abruptly stopped replying, drifted away completely or effectively ghosted them.

I find it such a strange and painful thing to experience and I know quite a few people it’s happened to.

After enough time passes, I imagine reaching back out probably starts to feel awkward or loaded, which maybe makes the silence continue even longer.

But if you’ve done this, why? What was going on for you at the time? How do you feel about it now? Do you ever think about reconnecting or apologising?

I’m genuinely trying to understand rather than attacking anyone.

I am pretty sure one of my old friends has no idea why she was cut off.

She was always on the make. She was always trying to get something out of me and not reciprocating.

She was a nice enough person to talk to.But it was the general behaviour around it.

For example, we went to different gyms every time I got free guest passes she had them all. She kept kept checking up with me if I had any so she could come with me. Genuinely didn't mind but I couldn't help noticing. She never offered me an opportunity to come and try her gym and i'm sure she got guest passes we were both at major chain gyms that always give them.

When my mum was dying - end stage cancer, I told her they were going to start. Sending carers in, and she responded by saying it's all right for some, she wish you could get carers for her mother with dementia 🤯

I responded by saying if she means it's all right for me that my mother's about to die hence she qualifies carers, then i'm not sure i'm privileged by that. With hindsight, I should have cut her off at that point.

My partner is able to get heavily subsidised tickets to some performances at a particular venue - this is only for use with me or his immediate family as it's through work. The tickets are quite expensive and my friend inquired.How we're able to go there all the time and I just mentioned it.She immediately asked me to get tickets for her and her partner - i told her the discounts didn't work that way. It wasn't my perk, it was my partners that he chose to share with me. She kept pressing me on it.

They were all sorts of things, but at the end of the day, I just stopped responding to her. I'm sure she has no idea why she's been cut off because when you pull her up on things she doesn't seem to get it and keeps on asking you.

Geographical? Moving away, big change of environment/routine, not knowing how to stay relevant to the friend.

I'm a serial ghoster. I'm a really quite extreme introvert inasmuch as I much prefer spending time alone, but I can be friendly in company so occasionally someone will wsnt to be friends but I always end up leaving them on read for a length of time that becomes embarrassing and then I just ghost. Nowadays I just try not to make friends with people as I know how it will end but there were plenty of times when I was younger that I thought, you know, this time I will live up to my intentions but I never did. It's worse if anything as I get older because the weeks just seem to fly past.

If people knew the origin of introvert extrovert - they wouldn't rely on it.So heavily.

It was coined by Jung in 1921 and was only about where people directed their energy.

Jung believed that no one is entirely an introvert or an extrovert. Most people carry a mix of both tendencies, leaning more toward one side, while a balance of both is often called an ambivert personality.

That was a hundred years ago.

There's a lot of recent research into introverts and even 'super-introverts'.

I cut off a friend of 20 years but explained why before I did but I'm sure he still thinks I 'ghosted' him and tells people he doesn't understand what happened, judging by the blocked messages I can see on my 'phone.

I don't know anything about Jung's theories, I was just using it in the loose sense of "I like being on my own"

Some underlying reasons why I have let friendships drift –

One woman I really loved had spent a fortune over many years on IVF and it had all failed. She was so upset by it. Then I gave birth and had severe PND. I just couldn't face explaining that I was having a hard time coping with something she had dreamed of for so long. I still remember our last coffee. She was pressing me to have a big party for a milestone birthday. She offered to organise it for me. I was shattered, with a very sick baby who was in and out of hospital, coping with PND and I didn't want a party at all. I just hadn't the energy to explain so I let things drift. She had done nothing wrong. I still miss her. Tried to find her online (we were friends before the internet was really established properly) but she has no online presence at all, even though she was quite well known at the time in a creative role.

Everyone else who I've ghosted has actually hurt me or used me too badly for too long. I am terrible at confrontation, so when I've had enough, I back off. These people would swear they had done nothing wrong and were good close friends, but everything was always on their terms, for their benefit, for so long that I don't think they realised how one-sided the friendships were.

Well, unlike a romantic relationship, there's no such thing as a process to formally break off a friendship.

I haven't individually messaged a woman I was bridesmaid for since May. The group chat we are both in is pretty inactive too. I don't miss her for various reasons:

1. I realised quite how much of her interactions with me were condescending.
2. She has this weird thing where she assigns us all roles at get togethers - somehow I end up with all the grunt work and am never considered the person who is in need of a break.
3. Once I was desperately worried about my cat who was dying of cancer and had to bail on a get together. She told me I could "explain about the cat thing" to our other friends - since they were both cat lovers, they were a good deal more sensitive.
4. She never seems to get my jokes or weird references these days.
5. She "gentle parents" her son, who is a handsy little fucker who needs a firm word IMO. Since I don't want to spend get togethers preventing him from walloping my son, this limits us to grown ups only.

And those are just the reasons related to her. Quite apart the fact I have a toddler, busy with surgery, life, moving house, FT work and people I actually like spending time with, she doesn't have to "do anything wrong" specifically for me not to bother messaging.

Very similar situation to my own. Decades old friendship but over recent years has become entirely one way. Years or drama and needing huge amounts of support, and I realised she barely asked me a question and on the rare times she did would interrupt me and bring the conversation back to her. No polite way to say I just don’t like you anymore, so am drifting.

"People simply don't do this if everything is great and there are no issues on either side."

My understanding of human nature suggests some people definitely do drop their friends when they haven't done anything wrong. I suspect some people just don't need their friends any more, have new or better ones and feel they have 'moved on'. Sad, but true (probably).

I have let go of friendships as over time a member of a group subtly snubbed me but kind of difficult to challenge - passive aggressive. How they behaved afterwards confirmed this, whereas the others were ok.
it was impossible to challenge as their behaviour was ‘plausible’

I also realised I had some really good stuff happening for me and they weee just got oblivious- I spent time with people who I could celebrate with.

Finally - I just did not like their greedy little child who once took what was not theirs and insisted on other things being shared - same passive aggressive parent seemingly oblivious to that or maybe it was ok - nah not for me

It takes effort though to keep friends going. My friend said her career so busy now. Was left off her hens night list. It did hurt at time. Now Im keeping myself busy but I dont suggest the meetups)

It's happened to me - I was the ghostee. Close friend dropped me without warning. We met by chance maybe a year later and she apologised, said it was all her fault. Resumed friendship, and bugger me she did the same thing again.
There won't be a third time.
Sometimes one party values the friendship more. And sometimes they're just not very nice people.

More often than not for me the glue that had brought us together e.g job or kids isn’t there anymore. Life’s busy so I let go. Friends for a season.

But to be fair, I think most people understand that not all friendships are for life. And lots and lots of people maintain casual "in and out of contact" friendships for decades without especially maintaining them.

I have a friend who has moved cities a few times, and who is usually a member of two sports and one music group each city she lives in - so at least four groups per city where she tries to stay in touch with ALL of them. When she visits, it's for an hour because she's also fitting in 2-3 other 1h visits on the trip.

And frankly I find that level of sociability entirely indiscriminate. Some of her friends are awesome, some of them are insanely dull, and some of them categorical arseholes.

It's absolutely ok to have "friends for a season" that you lose touch with. It's not a slight. And it doesn't mean it was a bad friendship - so long as you fill the gap with some other contact and appreciate it for what it was.

I've ghosted a friend before. I felt pressured into meeting up but she was extremely introverted (and I'm an introvert myself) so I found it really difficult making conversation. But the biggest issue was that she had some pretty horrible opinions that she clearly thought were fair and reasonable - like she didn't want to date anyone who hadn't got a university education, because she thought such people wouldn't have good morals (!!!). I tried telling her that was insane and she dug her heels in further. Literally couldn't after that.

I think you’ve missed the point a bit. It is very easy to give offence and be completely unaware you’ve done it. One of my friends does this all the time. I’m a big girl and I’ve known her long enough that I can just tell her, because I know there’s no malice in her AT ALL, she’s just clueless about certain things.
Unfortunately I know several other people who don’t want to be that direct and have just quietly dropped her.

That's not really what the thread is about though. It's about formerly close friends, not the kind of friendships this woman has. For what it's worth, I think she should meet people in bigger groups so she has more than an hour for you when she visits.

"I felt pressured into meeting up but she was extremely introverted (and I'm an introvert myself) so I found it really difficult making conversation. "

With someone like that I just always meet in a group and I let them sit there quietly while the other people talk.

I don't think that's the same thing really. You weren't great at writing when it was your turn, but it doesn't sound like she was sending you messages, but you blocked her. Not really ghosting, I'd say.

I don't really write much to friends from previous places. I keep in touch on FB and the occasional visit.

I'm 51 and this has bought up memories.

I ghosted a college friend, we flat shared, we spent so much time together, holidaying too..She was so controlling, got jealous if I went out without her.
I guess I was a people pleasers and allowed it. But then I had enough and I moved out, distanced my self, she wrote me letters , she got her sister to talk to me. I could never bring my self to tell the truth. That i just didn't like her any more.

I got ghosted my self, from a friend. We lived a distance away from each other but went to each others weddings etc.
She just stopped replying to messages, slowly we lost touch. Years later she contacted me, to explain her and her husband has fertility issues. I had 3 children. Maybe that was why. She did ask to meet up as she was in town but time had passed and I had moved on.

I don't have a huge attachment to friends, i mean they come and go. I think that's normal. Family is more important to me.
My husband wanted all his friends at our wedding as he said that they were family to him. He doesn't see any of them now.
I would of been happy having just family there.
I have friends but I can count them on one hand. I have people I chat to, work friends, mum friends. But my loyalty and effect goes to my family. Maybe it's because I come from a big family. One of many siblings
I see less and less people these days, my circle is smaller. Even friends I loved get on my nerves now! I just love being at home, with my husband, children, and our dog. Seeing my side of the family every now and then. Seeing inlaws every now and then. Is enough for me!
So interesting to read peoples stories.

This has been the reason for me.

Some very good friends, who were and are lovely, but are higher energy people, who I care about and enjoy spending time with very much, but it takes a bit more to be around them, when I've had bereavements, a friend committed suicide, relationship troubles, burnout etc - I love them very much but I can't cope with being around them, it's all just too much. And though I believe they would have tried to be sympathetic and supportive, I also believe that the type of support they would have given wasn't what I was needing at those times.

Luckily, they've also (bar one) been understanding when I have reconnected once those storms in my life have passed.

So you’ve answered your own question then.

Friends aren’t always for life; sometimes you come into each other’s lives, serve a purpose for that particular time and place, and then you move on.

You can’t always go back to a friendship, people change and can’t recapture their former state.

I ghosted an old friend during the pandemic. She could speak of nothing but conspiracies - the virus wasn’t real - the vaccine was to deliberately poison the population, masks evil, the full nine yards. No asking how I was, or the poorly super vulnerable person I was helping shield.

Some of her more far out ideas were, now I look back, completely mad, and there was no talking her out of them. For my own sanity I had to step away, although I remained concerned about her mental health.

I reached out again post pandemic, and she’s transitioned into antisemitic tropes. So I gave up. I’m sure she can’t understand what she did wrong, but I’m not the only friend to step away. I wonder if at some point she will take stock of what happened to her old friends.