To wonder why people sometimes ghost good friends who did nothing wrong?

[ThatIcyLion]

I’m not talking about abuse, toxic dynamics, safety issues or situations where the friendship had clearly broken down.

I mean situations where the friend had done nothing obviously wrong, you liked them, valued the friendship, things seemed broadly fine… yet you still abruptly stopped replying, drifted away completely or effectively ghosted them.

I find it such a strange and painful thing to experience and I know quite a few people it’s happened to.

After enough time passes, I imagine reaching back out probably starts to feel awkward or loaded, which maybe makes the silence continue even longer.

But if you’ve done this, why? What was going on for you at the time? How do you feel about it now? Do you ever think about reconnecting or apologising?

I’m genuinely trying to understand rather than attacking anyone.

To answer one of your questions, yes, I do feel bad for cutting her off. I reacted extremely poorly under the circumstances, it wouldn’t be fair to apologise, I don’t know if she’d accept the apology or want to be friends again. I don’t want her to Friends, if it happened again.

I’m not sure if I’ve ever ghosted anyone - not responded to their calls or texts and just vanished - but I have let many friendships drift. I’ve not been the one to text or call or tried to arrange meet ups and so if they haven’t either the friendship fades; or maybe if they have asked about meeting up I’ll put them off and then never get back with the alternative dates I said I would. And then things fade. And it’s happened to me too: some friends don’t exactly vanish, but they drift away.

Rarely, if ever, has it been because of anything they have overtly done. It’s just been life. Moving in different life directions, sometimes areas too; meet ups when you realise you have less and less to say.

I find that long term friendships tend to be few but those that do form are often very strong. Others tend to come from a moment in life - school, university, work, a shared interest - and might be really strong in the moment, wonderful fun, great support, but when that thing that was shared is taken away then the relationship loses what was fundamental to it.

Really, it’s just life, isn’t it? It changes and so do our priorities and the people we need around us.

It’s often rather sad when I think back on great friendships that have faded. But really, apart from reminiscing, I’m not sure we’d have much to say anymore.

And too, sometimes life things happen and we don’t mean to stop a friendship, it’s just that we don’t have time or ability to maintain ig through whatever is going on at the time. I’ve certainly had friendships that didn’t survive the gap, but I’ve also a couple of rather wonderful friendships that stop and start. Both of us busy and distracted. Then, maybe a year goes by and we come out of our shells and meet or talk and it’s wonderful. Then we vanish for a while. But something is there that doesn’t quite let us let go entirely. Partly, I suspect, it’s that we both understand and it’s ok.

In my experience, they think they haven't done 'anything wrong' but they have. It's just their point of view.

I have done this with two people recently. One got really weird with me when I got with DP and wouldn’t stop pestering me to ring them, would send me like 10, 6 minute voice notes that I didn’t have time to listen to, was the only person I know who doesn’t like DP for zero reason. He’d met DP twice. All of my other friends love him. I kept saying to him I don’t have time with work, gym, trying to do all my housework, I don’t want to be on 2 hour calls. So I stopped talking to him. I told him to leave me alone. He reached out two days ago asking if we can talk (it’s been months!!!) and I ignored.

the other one kept asking me to go for drinks with him. I said no I’ve stopped drinking. Then kept pestering me to go see him and I said no, I’m at home with DP, training, working. I don’t want to be going out for drinks let alone with single men, who I wasn’t even close with in the first place. So I asked him to leave me alone too.

both of these “friends” have previously asked me on dates in the past and I said no, we’re friends!!! I don’t want to date you!! Then got with DP and they kept pestering me so I cut them both off. I wanted to be mates, they wanted more. Sorry, no. Disrespectful to DP to keep talking to these men so I, admittedly quite coldly, cut them off. It was definitely painful for both of them but I distanced myself when I got with DP and was trying to be nice still replying to them. I decided I can’t keep up to that. I don’t feel bad. They may feel like they did nothing wrong but when I keep saying no and they don’t listen, that’s what they did wrong. When they disrespect the man I live with by being weird with him just because they like me more than a mate, that’s what they did wrong.

I feel like sometimes it can be life and logistics getting in the way of friendship. I lived with a good friend during college, we stayed in touch through major life ups and downs and I always enjoy our meet ups but given circumstances and location (she moved an hour away) we actually haven’t seen each other since I went to her dads funeral last year. I love her but it’s drifted as I just don’t have time to message and I’m socially awkward and dont like phone calls, also new job three kids she has two, wtc. But I feel no ill will towards her, wish her only the best and if we met up tomorrow with all the time in the world we’d probably stay talking for hours/days. So what is that I guess? A drifting not by choice? And then there are best friends of over 20 years where it was the longevity and friendship group which sustained us bit I never actually felt like one of them liked me and she always put me down/was unkind to me so when I turned 32, i let it drift. The other girls in the circle then did the same mainly I guess due to loyalties, location( all live more than three hours away) and life stages too I guess. Only one of them I genuinely miss and wonder how she is and would love to reach out toher. Then there’s friends who moved abroad and we might not see each other more than once a year but when we do it’s the best fun. This is very garbled. Maybe I’m not great at maintaining friendships actually!!!!

In my case, my friend ghosted me after she opened up about how shit her marriage was. It was like I knew too much, but it was too embarrassing for her to tell me why. Well, this is my best guess through talking to other friends, as she never actually told me why.

FYI, she's still with the awful husband and still unhappy.

There is always a reason. The ghosted person just refuses to accept it

Sometimes people just drift apart. Theres no particular reason just life gets busy for a couple of weeks, then a couple more, new friends creep into your circle. You are still friends but time starts to divide you.
Not ghosting or certainly not the intention to ghost but it happens.

I can see it from both sides. I had a dear friend who I knew for many years, who started ghosting me to the point I gave up contacting him. I still think about him now and hear what he’s up to as we had mutual friends. Never did find out why.
on the other hand, I’ve done the ghosting. Where the friend just talks constantly about themselves, talks over me and just generally doesn’t listen. What’s the point?! Also if they’re not quite my cup of tea or they’ve done something or behaved a certain way. For example I had another friend who had a very bad start in life. As we got older she got involved in things I didn’t want to associate with and I just couldn’t relate or feel comfortable around her. So I just ghosted her. Maybe why I do y have many friends haha. I have high morals.

Yes I have done this I'm not proud to say. Once was after I suffered a bereavement and wasn't in a good place and frankly didn't have the energy to speak to people. I lost a friend as she didn't even know what had happened but I couldn't face telling her. This was 10 years ago and I would love to reconnect but I am embarrassed after all this time. The other time was that we had kind of outgrown the friendship and I found her a bit boring and wanted to spend my time with better friends.

The question in the thread title seems to get things the wrong way around. Surely in many relationships it's not the case that there has to be a reason why the relationship drifts into nothing. The opposite is the case: There needs to be a reason to keep in touch. If there isn't a strong enough reason/motive for contacting a person, the friendship will dwindle.

We see people because we want to see them, not because we haven't got a good reason not to see them. We talk to them because we want to talk to them, not because we haven't got a good reason not to talk to them.

In this case it may be that the person just had lots of things they preferred to do and so things petered out

Nobody owes anyone else friendship. You cannot guarantee that someone will stay in your life by treating them right and not doing anything wrong.

Generally if I lose touch with someone and I have been reaching out and they are not responding I assume they have other things going on and I'm not necessarily a priority to them or they don't have time for me right now. That would be really hurtful if it was someone I'd considered a close friend, but that's relatively rare. I don't always know 100% of what's going on in someone's life and they don't know 100% of what's going on in mine. I don't think I've ever had a friend who has been constant in how much we were in touch from the first moment we considered each other a friend to the present day. Most if not all of my friendships have ebbed and flowed with whatever was going on in our lives.

When I think about situations where I have lost touch with friends then it's usually either something about the situation that makes it hard for me to keep in touch with them, like a geographical move, or a situation I was in, like a difficult relationship, or when I was struggling with something with DC and things were completely mad and I had no brain space, or they/we have both drifted and we've got back in touch later and it's been that they were going through something at the time.

Because you don't want to be friends anymore but you don't want to explain yourself to someone you no longer want in your life.

I've 'ghosted' several friends. The reason was:

I have two young kids
I have a busy job that keeps me from my kids in the week
I have family who want to see me a LOT (family who visit every weekend)
I have lots of groups of friends

Gradually my life became busier and busier and I just couldn't service all the people who wanted to see me. I had to reduce contact. Some fell away as a result. With others it was excruciating and I ended up having to effectively say: "I'm sorry I don't have the time".

I've distanced myself from a friend who did something that really hurt me and made me realise that we aren't as good friends as I'd thought. I didn't speak to her about it because I couldn't really see the point, it wasn't something she could explain. Its quite possible she feels the same way as you

I've been ghosted and been drifted away from.

I think in both circumstances they view me as too different from them. I think with a bit of honest self appraisal, we all know why we have been ghosted by friends.

Shame, because one of them I think is amazing but realistically I admire them more than think we have anything in common.

Similar to @Sparrow7 I had a bereavement. The person I was grieving was a really close friend. I reached out to this other friend and was very honest about struggling and feeling low. On top of that other things were going on in my life. Guess I felt disconnected and unsupported, so technically I have ghosted but didn’t see it like that til reading these posts. I feel embarrassed now about getting in touch as it’s been so long so it’s easier not to face that.

I have had to ghost a few old friends because they were so tone deaf I simply couldn’t deal with it anymore. I’m sure to them they did nothing wrong and I’m an awful person etc. I have a full time, very stressful job and a high needs profoundly disabled child in addition to caring responsibilities for an elderly relative, as well as a disability myself.

Every conversation was about the great hardships in their lives, and how DREADFUL it was. Little Octavia didn’t get into her first choice of brownie pack and would have to go to the slightly less posh one where some of the mums shop at Aldi. Little Marius got his grade 5 piano but missed distinction by 2 marks. The chalet in France has a leak in the 5th bedroom.

I reached a point where I just didn’t have the headspace to listen to the endless complaints about charmed lives.

I’m quite sure the friend I ghosted thinks they did nothing wrong.
She was selfish and inconsiderate and was entirely disinterested in anything other than herself.
If she’s still wondering, I wouldn’t be surprised.

I have gradually, but very deliberately, drifted away from a friend. I subsequently heard from mutual friends that she was heartbroken, confused, desperate to know what she had done “wrong”.

Thing is she hadn’t actually done anything wrong. She’s a sweet woman, happy to go along with whatever film I wanted to see or wherever I wanted to go, kept in touch, asked after the kids.

But we just don’t really click, I don’t find her interesting, or funny. We became friendly at a hobby group when I was new to a city, and she was so keen to make friends that I kind of went along with it and thought she was fine at first but increasingly found meeting her just boring and annoying and left feeling drained.

I also began to feel suffocated as it felt like she thought we were really close friends, whereas I thought we were pretty recent casual friends. That impression was borne out by how upset she was when I gradually drifted!

So it really wasn’t that she did anything wrong as such - I’m sure plenty of other people like her, I just don’t. I didn’t want to be friends with her, tried to gently/politely disengage in a way that most people would pick up on and just accept and spend more time with other people, but she interpreted it as all very hurtful and confusing. 🫤

I'm sure she's got a story about this great new friend she made who suddenly went cold on her and she has no idea why... it's tricky

@GreenGrass555 I did try not to suddenly “go cold” - we also have mutual friends and I thought I’d still see her around at the hobby group.

But I’ve had plenty of friendships over the years where people just naturally drift as their circumstances change, or as they change as their lives go on.

I tried to just gradually drift without any falling out, but maybe it would have been kinder to spell out directly what level of friendship I was open to, I don’t know.

Ashamed to say I've done this a few times in my life. I'm one of these people that tends to constantly tell people "I'm fine" even when I'm not. So because I don't talk much about me people always end up talking about themselves and I always want to help when they're struggling. So ill help with whatever I can. Eventually their problems start to drown me when my own life gwts hard and I can't step back and maintain the friendship at the same time so I end up ghosting. I know they don't realise why and it's totally my fault.

Yeah, this seems quite obvious to me. If you're lucky, you'll meet lots of people as you go through life who are friends or friendly acquaintances, that you genuinely like and enjoy spending time with in the context of your shared lives, or at least a shared activity. I've met dozens of people I'd put in that category and think of many of them very fondly, but the truth is once the shared activity stopped, whether that was university, working together, a shared community group, there just wasn't a strong enough reason to maintain an ongoing one-on-one friendship for years and decades afterwards.

I'd certainly be happy to see or hear from them again, but I also can't imagine meeting for coffee or dinner, just the two of us, for years after what brought us together ended. I think friends in the latter category are rare - if you have a handful in that category, you're very lucky. It's hard when you think someone is in that category for you, but it's not reciprocated though.

It's easier when there's some 'scaffolding', like a mutual group of friends who socialise together, a common interest, or an event you both attend sometimes. Otherwise, I think maintaining close personal friendship for years is a real effort, and not one worth making for absolutely everybody I've ever been close to.

There’s always a reason, just because you don’t think there is a reason doesn’t mean there wasn’t. In fact, that could be the problem. Maybe you weren’t aware of how they were feeling and they didn’t feel seen or heard by you. Maybe they had their own personal issues but you, as their friend, didn’t offer them a safe place to just be themselves.