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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Regarding access and our 11 week old son?

111 replies

feelingreallylow · 01/06/2008 10:21

Me and my partner recently split and he has moved back to the Midlands which is 200 miles away from where his son is with me.

I have contacted him and said he is welcome to have every weekend access to our son if he likes.

He has replied saying I am not being amicable and that it is impractical.

He wants to have our son for a week 'or so' over Fathers Day and his Birthday.

I really am not happy with this as I don't believe he will bring him back.

I am lookin for advice really about whether I am being unfair or not.

OP posts:
jammi · 01/06/2008 10:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

beaniesteve · 01/06/2008 10:27

Are you breastfeeding? Surely this alone would be reason enough to have to limit unsupervised lengthy access until he is much older.

edam · 01/06/2008 10:28

Of course you are not being unfair! NO way can he have a 10 week old baby for seven days or more. The man's an idiot. Does he have any experience of tiny babies? Your son needs you at this age. A few hours out of your company would be hard enough!

mankymummy · 01/06/2008 10:31

i would not be happy about this either. espec. if you are breastfeeding.

personally i would understand its difficult for him to travel 200 miles there and back every other weekend. could you maybe arrange that he comes every third or fourth week and spends 3/4 hours a day for a couple/few days with his son?

11 weeks IMHO is far too young to be separated from you for "a week or so".

I wouldnt even let my 2 and a half year old go with his dad for a week or so (but maybe thats me being a control freak! )

orangehead · 01/06/2008 10:32

A week away for a small baby is a long time, your ex is being unreasonable. I think you need to chat to a solictor and get some advice. yanbu

Pannacotta · 01/06/2008 10:32

Totally agree with edam, your ex sounds a bit unhinged if you dont mind me saying.
Presume you aren't breastfeeding, as if you were you wouldn't even consider it?
If you would like some legal advice try contacting your local CAB or even calling the family department of a local solicitors office for a quick chat but am sure they will say the same thing, ie that he is being totally unreasonable.

edam · 01/06/2008 10:33

It would be terrifying for a tiny baby to suddenly be taken away from his primary carer for such a length of time. Your ex either knows jack shit about babies - in which case he's not ready for the responsibility - or is too selfish to put the child's needs before himself. Which leads to the same conclusion.

orangehead · 01/06/2008 10:33

Did you ex have a good reason to move so far away?

SmugColditz · 01/06/2008 10:34

The answer is No.

No, you cannot take the baby away over night until the baby is one, unless I specifically say on that occasion that you can.
No

I don't think a court in the land would agree with him.

hercules1 · 01/06/2008 10:35

He's being totally unreasonable and completely mad. Agree with all the other posters.

edam · 01/06/2008 10:36

Tell him he can come and see your ds at YOUR house.

edam · 01/06/2008 10:38

And I bet it hasn't occurred to him that a tiny baby will be upset and cry A LOT and wake up several times at night. And that there will be dozens of nappy changes involved. Idiot.

jammi · 01/06/2008 10:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

orangehead · 01/06/2008 10:42

Agree no court in land would let him

Elasticwoman · 01/06/2008 10:42

My reaction to the idea of being parted overnight or even more than a couple of hours from a 10 wk baby would be

OVER MY DEAD BODY.

cazcaz · 01/06/2008 11:06

Do not do it!

Presumably it was his choice to move so far away from his young son.

When I was in a similar situation several years ago I had to take legal advice. I was told that nobody would recommend seperating overnight a mother and child untill a much older age.

I hope that you are okay and enjoying your new baby!

Judy1234 · 01/06/2008 11:11

Suggest he comes down and has some practice (because I am sure when he knows what it is like he will not want him for a week). I was back at work at 2 weeks but I was home every night and breastfeeding. We did leave our 1 and 3 year old for a week's holiday when I was pregnant with number three and I felt it was too long and we shouldn't have done it in retrospect even though they were with their nanny and grandparent and aunt, i/e. people they knew very well and were bonded to.

He would need to be a very involved father with say 50% of the care now before a week away from one parent would be appropriate - ie. bonded to both very closely early on as some babies are.

Try to think of ways to help him - such as you take the child up there and you stay near by or over night at his place if that is possible so you can do night feeds and he pays your petrol up there.

I know a father who bouught a house 300 miles away from home near where his children were taken by their mother and every other weekend he went up there with his new wife and baby and toddler to keep up the connection. Not everyone can afford to buy two places or make journeys like that however.

duchesse · 01/06/2008 11:27

3 month old baby for a week or so? He's nuts. Has he ever looked after the baby for more than a few minutes? He'll need some major practise to even last a few hours. If you were breastfeeding, it would be a seriously good reason to refuse his request at this stage. I agree with everyone that a week is far too long to be away at this age. Maybe a few hours, no more. And your ex moved away. He needs to make the effort to see him.

AbbeyA · 01/06/2008 11:33

He is being totally unreasonable, you can't remove a baby that small. I would say that you are bf (even if you aren't)and then you stop any argument.

wessexgirl · 01/06/2008 11:35

Stand your ground - if he does this, baby will be unhappy, you'll be unhappy and ex will be unhappy. If you keep your ds, only ex will be unhappy (sad, eh?).

Tell him that since he finds you so 'unamicable', he'll just have to wait for the courts to decide reasonable access.

Don't play his game, which certainly doesn't seem to be about what's best for his son. He's much too small to be separated from the only caregiver he knows for so long.

Original poster
feelingreallylow · 01/06/2008 12:12

Thanks for all the replies.

My ex came to live in the same area as me so we could be together.

He was originally from the Midlands, he has gone back and is living with his mum and dad.

Our son knows who he is, he helped a lot.

I don't want our son taken to the Midlands as when we rowed he threatened to take our son.

OP posts:
Original poster
feelingreallylow · 01/06/2008 12:14

I forgot to add I have 2 children from a previous relationship and do not drive so I can't make the trip to the Midlands hence me saying to him about coming to me.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 01/06/2008 12:19

If he has threatened to take your son then I would get legal advice, as soon as possible.

wessexgirl · 01/06/2008 12:23

Yes, if he's actually threatened to do this, he can't seriously expect you to just hand ds over. Do as StealthPolarBear suggests and check your legal position.

Freckle · 01/06/2008 12:48

Does he have parental responsibility? If not, he has no rights until he acquires that. He could then apply to the courts for a contact order, but by that time your ds will be considerably older and you may feel happier about him being away from you.

If you are concerned that your exp will take the baby, seek legal advice about getting a residency order asap. In the meantime, offer him (in writing, keeping a copy) access at your home (not overnight), pointing out that the baby is still very small and should not be removed from his mother for any length of time.

Are you breastfeeding?