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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Regarding access and our 11 week old son?

111 replies

feelingreallylow · 01/06/2008 10:21

Me and my partner recently split and he has moved back to the Midlands which is 200 miles away from where his son is with me.

I have contacted him and said he is welcome to have every weekend access to our son if he likes.

He has replied saying I am not being amicable and that it is impractical.

He wants to have our son for a week 'or so' over Fathers Day and his Birthday.

I really am not happy with this as I don't believe he will bring him back.

I am lookin for advice really about whether I am being unfair or not.

OP posts:
jammi · 01/06/2008 19:30

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jammi · 01/06/2008 19:30

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Journey · 01/06/2008 19:37

No wonder the op's ex is threatening to take the baby away. He appears to have no say over the access hours/length of his time with his baby. Perhaps if he did he wouldn't feel he needed to take this stance.

AbbeyA · 01/06/2008 19:43

The interests of the child come first and a small baby needs to be with his mother. The ex partner will get plenty of time to build up a relationship later.

paperdoll · 01/06/2008 19:43

FRL, feel free to ignore Journey, whose remarks are poorly thought out. As if it could ever be understandable for someone to threaten to take a baby away, for heaven's sake.

paperdoll · 01/06/2008 19:45

And by "poorly thought out" I actually mean "fecking ridiculous"

tribpot · 01/06/2008 19:48

Journey, you're deliberately choosing to ignore the fact that sexism is not the reason for many of us suggesting that, in this case, the baby needs to be with his mother.

The father is not being denied his right to have a say, merely what he is currently proposing isn't appropriate to a child whose primary caregiver is his mother. Hopefully some form of arbitration will be successful in reaching a reasonable compromise that has the best interests of the child at heart.

posieflump · 01/06/2008 19:51

hmm I'm not sure about this

'The ex partner will get plenty of time to build up a relationship later. '

Is that really true? Surely bonding with the father is helped by contact now
He obviously wants to be involved
Does he pay maintenance?
So many men don't give a crap and here we all are slagging off one that obviously does
I would suggest tlaking about your fears and worries eg have you asked him
if he can afford to come and stay in a nearby hotel for father's day?
It's not his fault if you don't drive and can't take the baby for visits? Do you want his involvement at all?

posieflump · 01/06/2008 19:52

I agree that he shouldn't have made threats but maybe that was said out of fear of not seeing his son?

Journey · 01/06/2008 19:54

Why do you think he made the threat? More than likely it was because he had no control.

He wanted to see his baby for father's day and his birthday. What is so wrong in that? For the op to say "no" of course he is going to be upset. The op needs to allow him to have some say in the arrangements.

jammi · 01/06/2008 19:56

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jammi · 01/06/2008 19:58

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Surfermum · 01/06/2008 19:58

It must be really hard though to be living with your child full time one day and then only able to see them at weekends - and if their other parents says so - the next. It would absolutely tear me apart.

He might be thinking a bit "blokey" and not really being very practical about things - but perhaps he really misses his ds and wants to spend more than just a weekend with him. - and that's what's driving his suggestions.

Fillyjonk · 01/06/2008 20:03

oh fgs

he's buggered off to the midlands to live with his parents

IF a woman walked out on an 11 wo baby and moved 200 miles away, while the father looked after the child 24/7, then of course the baby should continue to live with him.

It is about continuity and consistency of care, not gender.

clam · 01/06/2008 20:09

And Journey, she did give him some say, by suggesting he might maintain contact by visiting DS on his (DS's) home turf. She wondered whether she might be being unreasonable in feeling uncomfortable about passing the baby over for a week (or so ?? ). MN verdict was pretty unanimous in that no, she wasn't BU. He's the one bandying threats about and accusing her of not being amicable, because she didn't agree to his half-arsed idea about separating a tiny baby from his primary care-giver. (what a ridiculous phrase - in this instance, his MOTHER, fgs!)

Original poster
feelingreallylow · 01/06/2008 20:11

Journey your posts made me laugh, there is no sexism whatsoever.

I want my baby's dad to see his son.

Maybe you would like to tell me with your words of wisdom why he chose to go 200 miles away when he knew he would be making things difficult regarding his son?

And it was me who made the offer about him seeing his son for Fathers Day and his Birthday, he didn't actually ask.

Anyway Posieflump in answer to your questions:

  1. No he doesn't pay maintenance, he currently isn't working but that doesn't bother me at all, I still wish for him to have contact.

  2. Have said he could see his son over Fathers Day and his Birthday but he has said he wants to spend the day with his dad also on Fathers Day.

  3. No it isn't his fault I can't drive. He can't either, he would get the train to us if he did come down.

  4. Yes I do want him involved, I know that my son not only needs me but his dad's involvement too.

Surfermum I understand totally where you are coming from, I have emailed and texted my ex to offer him this weekend just gone to see our son, next weekend and the one after. So far his only response has been wanting to have him for a week 'or so'.

Jammi ex doesn't work at present but was thinking it would be easier at weekends so that when he does find work it won't interfere with contact.

OP posts:
Surfermum · 01/06/2008 20:14

Do we know he walked out? Maybe he hasn't buggered off, maybe FRL ended the relationship and it was the only place he had to live?

Monkeytrousers · 01/06/2008 20:14

YANBU - you have a baby not a doll. Your son needs you. Even one overnight stay would be too much, never mind 7 to 10

Original poster
feelingreallylow · 01/06/2008 20:17

I told him to go after the incident with his mum and dad in the town, surely he could have made arrangements to stay close by to his son?

OP posts:
Surfermum · 01/06/2008 20:18

He is being daft - it's all very well saying you want to have him for a week. But if in the meantime you're able to see him at all you'd jump at the chance, and work on sorting out having longer contact. I would anyway - and I know my dh (who had problems with contact) would have done.

Monkeytrousers · 01/06/2008 20:18

Right - so by 'Journey's' logic babies needs are sexist

Monkeytrousers · 01/06/2008 20:21

Yes, I agree GRL. He still could arrange to be much more involved and live nearer so he could do this.

Please don't feel the need to justify yourself to idiots crying sexism - just laugh

posieflump · 01/06/2008 20:22

I think the situation is too difficult to judge online tbh
No one knows why the father decided to mov back with his parents to the Midlands
I suspect it was because he couldn't/didn't want to fork out for his own place
there are 2 parents to consider here but this being Mumsnet posters are automatically going to go one way

Surfermum · 01/06/2008 20:23

If he's not working, would he have anywhere else to stay or be able to afford it? It's a long way away, and not practical at all with regard to seeing his son - especially as he doesn't drive - but maybe it was the only place he could go without being on the streets.

Original poster
feelingreallylow · 01/06/2008 20:24

Surfermum I have tried all I can, I have even text him today to ask to talk about our son as emails seem to be getting us nowhere.

Asked if it was OK to ring, did he reply? NO!

Have emailed him and nine times out of ten he ignores them.

From what I have been told he is lucky I am offering him every weekend as judges would usually only grant possibly once a fortnight or once a month access.

This I don't want I would like him to have a regular involvement in his son's life.

This may also sound selfish but I have 2 other children and this has affected them enough so I don't know what it would do for my other 2 if their little brother wasn't around every other week, however I know that what is important is his dad seeing him.

OP posts:
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