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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Regarding access and our 11 week old son?

111 replies

feelingreallylow · 01/06/2008 10:21

Me and my partner recently split and he has moved back to the Midlands which is 200 miles away from where his son is with me.

I have contacted him and said he is welcome to have every weekend access to our son if he likes.

He has replied saying I am not being amicable and that it is impractical.

He wants to have our son for a week 'or so' over Fathers Day and his Birthday.

I really am not happy with this as I don't believe he will bring him back.

I am lookin for advice really about whether I am being unfair or not.

OP posts:
Original poster
feelingreallylow · 01/06/2008 20:26

Surfermum I have tried all I can, I have even text him today to ask to talk about our son as emails seem to be getting us nowhere.

Asked if it was OK to ring, did he reply? NO!

Have emailed him and nine times out of ten he ignores them.

From what I have been told he is lucky I am offering him every weekend as judges would usually only grant possibly once a fortnight or once a month access.

This I don't want I would like him to have a regular involvement in his son's life.

This may also sound selfish but I have 2 other children and this has affected them enough so I don't know what it would do for my other 2 if their little brother wasn't around every other week, however I know that what is important is his dad seeing him.

OP posts:
Original poster
feelingreallylow · 01/06/2008 20:31

TBH he has always been a mummys boy and so I believe this is one reason he also went back to the Midlands.

His parents are the kind of people who would give him an ultimatum.

I see what you are saying Surfermum but if thats the case then maybe he should start looking for a property closer? There are ways and means IMO and surely if his son meant that much he would have made a trip down on the train already to see him?

I am quite angry about it all as I am trying to bend over backwards so he can have access and I feel he is being a arse!

OP posts:
Surfermum · 01/06/2008 20:34

It does sound like you are doing all you can - it must be really frustrating for you.

And I can understand your concerns about contact and your other children. My dsd is one of 4 at home with her mum, and they all have different dads with differing degrees of contact - from dh who has alternate weekends and half the school holidays (and more) to a couple of the others who have none at all. It's not an easy situation for any of them. But dsd does say she gets a break from the arguing - and I guess her mum does too. There are positives!

Original poster
feelingreallylow · 01/06/2008 20:36

Yeah I can see that side to it Surfermum! I think my next step will be to tell him to go through the solicitors as it seems we won't come to a conclusion. Not what I really wanted thought we could sort it between ourselves.

OP posts:
Fillyjonk · 01/06/2008 20:41

ok surfermum but why go back to the midlands?

he may not have walked out of the relationship, but he HAS moved 200 miles away

you could not persuade me to move 200 miles from my kids. I would find a job and a house closer so I could see them daily.

I think the OP is being seriously reasonanble, actually

paperdoll · 01/06/2008 20:43

posieflump, ok, there are two parents to consider here, but more importantly, there is also a baby to consider. And that baby is 11 weeks old.

I don't think it is fair for you to suggest that the response from most posters on this thread is simply because they are mothers. It seems fairly clear that the best interests of the baby are not to be taken away from its primary carer for "a week or so".

Whether or not the OP's ex has needs is a separate issue, of course he does, but they clearly aren't more important than the baby's, are they?

paperdoll · 01/06/2008 20:44

11 weeks old

paperdoll · 01/06/2008 20:49

sorry just practising my bold

jammi · 01/06/2008 20:52

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Message withdrawn

Surfermum · 01/06/2008 21:03

Oh I agree fillyjonk. But I think he's gone back to the Midlands because he's just lost his relationship, his child, his home - and that's pretty devastating and he's going to be around family who will support him. He has no income and no transport, so maybe it isn't that easy for him, or in the area they live in, just to walk into a job and into new accommodation. Maybe he's been left with no choice, maybe he is currently looking at ways of being nearer his child again. We don't know.

And I also agree - the more FRL posts, the clearer it is that she is bending over backwards to try to make contact happen.

Original poster
feelingreallylow · 01/06/2008 21:03

Yeah Jammi think you are right.

Just expected more of him really.

OP posts:
Original poster
feelingreallylow · 14/06/2008 19:54

Well my update is he has seen our son. He saw him last weekend.

However he won't be seeing him on Father's Day as he says he can't afford it.

Has basically insinuated that I am to blame because I wouldn't let him have our son for a week.

I am annoyed about this and have told him so, its his first Father's Day so I even offered to pay for him to come down to see him.

He still isn't going to.

Am I really to blame?

OP posts:
jammi · 14/06/2008 20:05

This reply has been deleted

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jammi · 14/06/2008 20:05

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Kimi · 14/06/2008 20:05

Feelingreallylow........The first thing you need to do is chang your posting name to IAMAGOODMUM or something.

I am going to say it as I see it, sorry if it offends....

Your EX is a dik, I would crawl over broken gless to get to my kids..all decent parents would, so Can't afford it (when offered the fair as well) don't wash.

There is more to being a father then your EX will ever know, no sain woman would let an 11 week old baby go away for a week, even with daddy.
For the time being your Ex needs to work out the best place for his child is with mommy and he is going to have to put in some effort to see his child... if he can't do that he is not a fathre he is a sperm donor!

Original poster
feelingreallylow · 06/07/2008 09:09

New update from me.

I was reported to the Social Services on June 4th. I already know this is something to do with my ex's parents. My ex wants his parents to see our son but I feel really against it, am I wrong?

OP posts:
beaniesteve · 06/07/2008 09:48

When is Father's day? HAs it just been? So the baby will be over a year old when the next father's day comes around and depending on any kind of legal contact order you may have to allow your child to be with his fatehr for more than just weekends. Certainly when he gets much older.

At the moment, no, but as he grows up it would only be fair to allow your EX to have longer periods of time with his child.

beaniesteve · 06/07/2008 09:50

What was the complaint made? Social Services will not automatically listen to your EX's side but the fact that there has been a complaint/report made just highlights the need to sort out some kind of legal contact.

Have you been to a solicitor yet?

frootloop · 06/07/2008 09:52

i certainly wouldnt let my ds go away from me for a week.

dh and i recently took ds (19wks)to visit my parents, who live 200 miles away. when we got there he spent the entire time looking around in terror and screaming so hard i thought he would permanantly damage his throat, and that was with us both there soothing him.
we were meant to stay a week but left after one night, and as soon as we got in our front door ds was like "oh, im home now" and was back to his normal self.

what he would've been like if i wasn't there i dread to think.

its madness to suggest taking your LO away from you even for one night>

tribpot · 06/07/2008 10:29

Sorry to hear that you've been reported, presumably on the grounds of your supposed 'neglect' of ds according to your ex's mother. I see on your other thread she said you didn't bathe your ds or buy him nappies. I don't think it will be hard for you to disprove her on that score but agree that you need to take legal advice as clearly the family (and I think it's his mum insisting on having him for a week rather than you ex) are (a) mad and (b) dangerous.

Hope you can sort something out; I wouldn't have any more direct contact with him if I were you.

Judy1234 · 06/07/2008 10:42

I feel very strongly about grandparents and father's right but with such a young child if the grandparent and father have not been the main carers (sometimes they are of course and then it is very very painful for the grandparent who has done all the 9-5 care and is the mother of the father suddenly to lose contact) then should not immediately expect staying visits. If possible get a lawyer if social services are involved.

We always made huge efforts to drive 200 - 400 miles several times a year with 1 and then ultimately 5 children to see their grandparents on both sides but only when they were 6 or more were they ever left for a week or more and not left at all before then as they didn't know the grandparents.

Can't the grandparents come down and stay near you and see him here perhaps with uou there - an outing- you all go to the zoo for the day or something?

bunchoflowers · 06/07/2008 11:13

Your baby's 11 weeks old? And he's moved 200 miles away? Sounds like a total loser to me.

I think whatever's happened between you and him, the fact is, he's got a son which he is 50% responsible for, so he should be willing to put in 50% of the work. Moving 200 miles away is basically saying "fuck you". He sounds incredibly immature (like a lot of men!!).

It's like Brian McFadden trying to slag Kerry Katona off for being a bad mum, when he's gone and emmigrated to Australia!! Erm, hello, you've got two children living in the north of england.....what he's done, and what the father of your baby has done, is in my eyes, basically abusive. Not that I'm saying you are like Kerry Katona by any means.

lucyellensmum · 06/07/2008 11:49

good post xenia

Judy1234 · 06/07/2008 13:53

Thanks. Someone emailed me today who left his child in the US. Said he would have committed suicide if he'd stayed and had to be a weekend father. Well it is just as well the mother didn't commit suicide otherwise where would the child be?

People shouldn't be allowed to move away and mothers shoudln't be allowed to deny proper meaningful contact.

Original poster
feelingreallylow · 06/07/2008 14:44

Thanks for all the replies. I don't wish to stop my ex seeing his son but I don't particularly want his parents to see him. I think after all the stunts they have pulled (taking clothes that were bought for my son by my ex's family out of my bedroom and back home with them when me and ex split) and then the neglect, then the social services. I feel like they do not have my son's best interests at heart. I don't see how taking his clothes is thinking of him, its just downright nasty imo.The poster who said about me going out with the ex's parents to a place so they can see him, it really isn't possible, I hate them and have no desire to be near them, would you honestly want to after being accused of neglecting your child?

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