Neighbours keep asking for favours!

[Popcornlassie28]

My husband and I live in a village around 15 minutes from the local shops etc. We currently have two children and I’m pregnant with our third. We both work (I work shifts) and I’m also studying at uni so I’m always constantly busy being a mother, at work or as a student.

My neighbours are middle aged with no children. One drives and the other doesn’t. Recently due to medical reasons the one who drives has had to stop driving until a health clear.

Since then, I will be home with the children before/after school, getting ready for work or coming off a night shift that morning and SO ready to sleep and my neighbour will come knocking asking to be taken to work often because she’s ’missed the bus’, ‘bus doesn’t run at this time’ etc. They do not take no for an answer and she will return two, three times plus until I answer as she knows I’m home as my car is in the driveway. She is very forceful.

I haven’t minded up until this point helping where we can but it’s getting a bit much. There is never any offer for fuel money either and it’s a 30 minute round trip to drop her to where she needs to go.

In the warmer weather, they will put their heads over the fence while I’m relaxing in my garden to ask for things and ask my children ‘Go and grab Mummy/Daddy’ so they can ask for more lifts/favours. My garden should be a safe haven where my children can play and we should relax without being bothered? Or am I wrong here? I would knock the front door and if they don’t answer I wouldn’t dream of being that pushy.

I have been polite to keep the peace but they are now asking my husband to give lifts at 8am into work on Sunday morning as ‘bus isn’t running’ and even though I’m pregnant ‘Can you pick up the 2 litre bottles of water from the shop for me? They are heavy for me to carry on the bus’. My husband is saying it’s going too far and to start pushing back and being forceful with her.

How can I be forceful but polite? Am I being unreasonable? I am terrified when the baby comes she will be banging the door down to be taken out when I’ve just got them settled and I don’t want to fall out but I know I will lose my temper at this point.

You could just write them a letter and pop it through the door.

“Giving immediate notice that we are no longer willing or able to provide free taxi or shopping services under any and all circumstances.

Suggest you download the following apps: Tesco/Sainsbury’s/Ocado, Amazon Prime, and Uber.

Also, for your convenience, here is the number for two local taxi firms.

We look forward to not hearing from you.”

@Collywobblewobbles She’s forceful in the way she will ring the ring doorbell, then bangs my other doorbell and then bangs the actual door. I was on the phone once with the midwife so couldn’t answer then anyways. But she stands there for about 10 minutes each time.

Then she will go away, come back and repeat the same within a 15 minute window. Then if I don’t answer she is in the garden putting her head over the fence and looking into my living room. Then she will be back on the door again and again and again. Then you will answer and be like ‘Right now, no sorry’ and she will not take the word NO.

She keeps begging and asking. Then if you still say ‘No’ she gets quite shitty and then moans about the children being loud and there is a really awful atmosphere. She will glare as you come and go for ages. Then when she wants something the above cycle repeats.

I was tidying my front garden last spring and she came out to ask why I was doing it and that I make her side look untidy. It’s so nuts. She’s nuts.

How can I be forceful but polite?

No OP. The polite ship has well and truly sailed. Your neighbour has zero respect for you and the only route to take now is a blunt 'No and don't ask or bother us again'. Should she continue ' Sue, this is now harassment, if it doesn't stop I will be filing a complaint with the police'.

Just STOP pandering to this awful woman and leave no room for any further interaction. Cutting people like this stone dead is often the only way to go.

Wow, she really is a prize twat! Some people just take and take. Glad you moved away.

Definitely husband should go round and say enough is enough. What a cheek!

She is nuts as you say. She wil be nuts whether you do what she wants or not.

I think a firm no is the best option or as others have mentioned a letter through the letter through the letter box explaining you are not doing it anymore.

Alternatively as a quick fix, if they keep pestering and knocking, perhaps tell them that your car is in need of repair and unable to drive at the moment. Obviously they may realise you have lied if they see you running around in but will definitely get the point across.

'I have realised that all this time giving you lifts and favours is really taking time away from our family and what it needs. We won't be doing it anymore. You will have to sort out your own transport. Here's the number of the local taxi company.'

Easier said than done but unfortunately I think you are going to have to be direct. Giving excuses like we are busy won't work as if they see you sat enjoying your garden then they will judge you to 'not be busy' and will keep asking.

You might want to get an injunction banning her from your property…

Move house.

I clicked on this worried it was about me.

I’m incredibly lucky to have amazing neighbours. Between them, they put out my bins if I forget, give refuge to my DC if they’ve forgotten their key after school, feed the cats if I’m on holiday, etc. One of them even mows my lawn from time to time, and he held the ladder when I locked myself out and had to go headfirst through an upstairs window.

In return, I take in parcels, provide jump leads, let the family with two kids in nappies put any extra black bags in my bin, delivered groceries during lockdown, and once extinguished a car fire with my hose pipe. I also say ‘thank you’, a lot.

The difference between your scenario and mine is that in mine everyone is being neighbourly. We’re volunteering and no one takes the piss. Yes, the two retired couples probably do more for the rest of us than me (single parent) and the family with two under two, but none of us are banging on doors making other people go out of their way, and everyone is grateful for the help they get.

Your scenario feels like entitlement, and one party is benefitting at the expense of the others.

It’s time to say ‘no’, and mean it.

This sounds like borderline harassment.

When she knocks, say no to whatever today's request is. Tell her you won't answer the door to her again and if she continues with such aggressive behaviour you will report her to the police for harassment.

I'm would keep a record of your interactions.

You will have to put up with an atmosphere. The only way to deal with it is pretend it's isn't happening, remain civil and let her stew.

There is no need for you to make the effort of posting notes or suggesting alternative solutions to her problems. That will just give her the impression you think her problems are your job to solve.

then she will go away, come back and repeat the same within a 15 minute window. Then if I don’t answer she is in the garden putting her head over the fence and looking into my living room. Then she will be back on the door again and again and again. Then you will answer and be like ‘Right now, no sorry’ and she will not take the word NO

Why are you so worried about being polite to this person? as a PP has said, the polite ship sailed a long time ago and it wont be returning. She absolutely will accept no if you don't do it- noone can physically drag you out of your home and force you to drive them anywhere. The problem is, you are saying no but still doing it. Thats 100% on you I'm afraid.

For a start, before the better weather kicks in, get some of this for the top of your fence. Stop the leaning over when you’re sunbathing:

https://www.eastcoastfencing.com/6ft-x-2ft-decorative-diamond-lattice-trellis?tracking=Max_Value&gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAiA0bWvBhBjEiwAtEsoW2BPiIxlg8J-CloT9hxw1X-FUWoEM3A4H-iZPrTwtKxUrNQN7_57kRoC7ekQAvD_BwE

How about “please stop coming around and asking for lifts / favors. You are making us and our children feel uncomfortable in our own home”.

When they ignore that, then you open the door with “this is harassment. Will you leave or do I need to call the police”. There is no middle ground with people like this.

"she will not take the word NO"

Sorry OP but I just don't understand this. She asks, you say no. If she carries on then just walk away/close the door.

No, I've been on duty all night and I'm going to sleep.
No, if no bus you need to call an Uber.
No, I'm tired. Get a taxi.

"Sorry neighbour but I've reached the stage with this pregnancy where I need to rest as much as possible so you will need to call a taxi from now on." If she persists say your midwife has ordered you to rest more. You could follow up with "its probably best to get in the habit now as obviously I will be too busy to help out once baby arrives. In fact I'm counting on asking you to return a few favours once we reach that stage" big smile and shut the door.

She will glare as you come and go for ages

So fcking what?- let her glare. The world wont end just because she's having a strop or glaring will it?

I'd wave and smile at her if she did that but I absolutely would not budge. There is no way to navigate yourself out of this "politely" as she has shown that she wont accept that. Your only route now is to be borderline rude to her as she is being towards you. I think you are wondering if there is some magic phrase that will turn this person into a reasonable human being- there isnt, because she isnt. Grow a spine and ignore her histrionics/demands.

They’re not bothered about being rude and intruding on your time so why are you so bothered about hurting their feelings. I would just go with ‘No’ and close the door in their face. If they poke their heads over your garden fence then also repeat ‘no’ or spray them with a water pistol

OP she's a mad cheeky bint but YOU need to get over your apparent horror of saying no and displeasing her.
She doesn't give a fuck about you...you're a facility she tested the water with and now feels entitled to.
So what if she glares at you? She's not anyone you are obliged to help out on the regular. She's being a bully. Breezily say 'hello!' and carry on.

Not everyone has to like you. She doesn't like you anyway, she holds you in contempt even though you've laid your coat over her puddles again and again.

Have some self respect and send the overbearing twat packing.

Seeing your update, she does sound as though rational conversation isn't going to work....but equally, you don't want to completely alienate her because as and when you sell, you'd have to declare a dispute with them.

I think you have to do what others have suggested - and say that you have been trying to be kind and a good neighbour, but given the pressures on you with your family, job and pregnancy, you are no longer available to help. And, that if she continues to knock when you have asked her not to, it could constitute harrassment, and you will have to report her to the police if she continues.

(In the summer you could get your children those mega blaster water pistols and encourage them to casually aim in her direction whenever she puts her head over the fence. Or, apparently when I was about 4, we had an annoying neighbour - and one day I opened the door to them with, "Mummy, it's the ghastly man from next door again" - and he never appeared again 😁).

Send something in writing and keep a copy... Then if it escalates you have proof.

I would say something like:

"Dear <neighbour>

I understand it must be very difficult with no-one in your house who is able to drive at the moment, but I am no longer able to help with regular lifts to and from work. You will need to make alternative arrangements.

<If applicable OP, this bit's obviously up to you> I am happy to help with things like genuine emergencies such as if someone needs a lift to hospital, but I cannot help you get to and from work if you've missed the bus or do your supermarket shopping for you.

Please do not come to my door to ask for lifts <except in a genuine emergency> and please do not ask my children to ask me either.

I will not be engaging in further discussion on this topic, so I politely ask that you respect my wishes on this point and let the matter drop.

Best wishes etc"

"Why should I keep doing you favours when you are constantly rudely invading our personal space, it costs me money that is never reimbursed, if I cannot help you are extremely rude to me for weeks...? What exactly is in this for me? Please leave my property and do not return until you have learned how to behave."

@Lwrenn
Absolutely loved your reply and the wording, made my morning 💖