Neighbours keep asking for favours!

[Popcornlassie28]

My husband and I live in a village around 15 minutes from the local shops etc. We currently have two children and I’m pregnant with our third. We both work (I work shifts) and I’m also studying at uni so I’m always constantly busy being a mother, at work or as a student.

My neighbours are middle aged with no children. One drives and the other doesn’t. Recently due to medical reasons the one who drives has had to stop driving until a health clear.

Since then, I will be home with the children before/after school, getting ready for work or coming off a night shift that morning and SO ready to sleep and my neighbour will come knocking asking to be taken to work often because she’s ’missed the bus’, ‘bus doesn’t run at this time’ etc. They do not take no for an answer and she will return two, three times plus until I answer as she knows I’m home as my car is in the driveway. She is very forceful.

I haven’t minded up until this point helping where we can but it’s getting a bit much. There is never any offer for fuel money either and it’s a 30 minute round trip to drop her to where she needs to go.

In the warmer weather, they will put their heads over the fence while I’m relaxing in my garden to ask for things and ask my children ‘Go and grab Mummy/Daddy’ so they can ask for more lifts/favours. My garden should be a safe haven where my children can play and we should relax without being bothered? Or am I wrong here? I would knock the front door and if they don’t answer I wouldn’t dream of being that pushy.

I have been polite to keep the peace but they are now asking my husband to give lifts at 8am into work on Sunday morning as ‘bus isn’t running’ and even though I’m pregnant ‘Can you pick up the 2 litre bottles of water from the shop for me? They are heavy for me to carry on the bus’. My husband is saying it’s going too far and to start pushing back and being forceful with her.

How can I be forceful but polite? Am I being unreasonable? I am terrified when the baby comes she will be banging the door down to be taken out when I’ve just got them settled and I don’t want to fall out but I know I will lose my temper at this point.

OP- I had this with my neighbour. She was the local busy body (pain in the arse),and would think nothing of knocking on ,knowing I had family round etc. I didn't bother saying no- I literally had to spell it out to her not to keep on asking for favours etc(firmly). She got the message. She mithers the other neighbours instead now 🤣

What is this obsession to being polite to astoundingly rude people?

No, I can’t take you. You’re asking way to much off me, please stop. Leave the children to play, I’m unable to do you more favours.

You can’t be friends with them anyway because they’ll never not take the piss, stop worrying about being polite and be firm.

As long as you’re being polite, they’re going to keep taking the piss. You need to say no, tell them they’re taking advantage and show them how to get an Uber.

Let her moan about the children. In fact if anything encourage them to be louder.

I can’t imagine anyone being like her though now you’ve said it!

You have my absolute sympathies. I’d have been eyeing my patio with a spade by now! (Joke!)

As her husband is more reasonable , can you not catch him on his own and ask him , No Tell him , to have a word with his nutty wife ?

If this doesn't work , then just tell her bluntly that you won't be doing it any more . If they fall out with you , so be it , better than being harassed !

Encourage the witch to learn to drive/take driving lessons use a broomstick. 🧹

They need to move closer to shops and town that’s not your problem.or they need to shell out for delivery and taxis. Bet other people nearby have said no. Are you in UK?

anyway grow a higher, spiked, hedge and say you can’t.. she’s a bully and mad.

disconnect your doorbell.

Why are you so worried about not being nice when she is quite happy to not be nice.

I find that if you say no and they carry on then you ask them this question.

I said no, why are you not respecting that?

And you wait silently for their answer.

Why do you think I'm not allowed to say no?

Do you think you can bully me into changing my mind?

And to every excuse they give you reply "my answer is no"

Just that. So sorry, no reasons you can't, nothing except "my answer is no"

These are only the last resort options when you're at the point of snapping anyway.

I second this. I have on my fence just to stop the neighbours looking in from their elevated patio. Works a treat.
If challenged you can say you are planning on growing climbers.
Or grow some bamboo in large troughs to make a fast growing hedge !

"No I won't" is even better.
Who do they think they are??

Not RTFT but just send her a bill for all the journeys. She almost certainly won't pay but if she knows you will charge, it might stop her.

Hell no.

Absolutely not.

If they chose to live somewhere where they need a car to get around, and they can't drive, GET A TAXI.

@Popcornlassie28 You aren't a free taxi service.

Tell them ''No'' on no uncertain terms, they sound like absolute arseholes.

If you are really struggling with how to push back ... this is a very polite solution!

Seeing your update, she does sound as though rational conversation isn't going to work....but equally, you don't want to completely alienate her because as and when you sell, you'd have to declare a dispute with them.

That could be summed up as neighbour doesn't speak to me because I refused to be her personal chauffeur.

It doesn't become a dispute just because one person is angry that the other person won't do what they want.

The only way to stop this is for her to be too frightened to ask you in the first place. Get your fierce on and sort it today.

They can't "not take no for an answer" if you don't give in! Just say no and wait for them to go away. It literally is that simple, when they're being so far out of the boundaries of politeness themselves.

I think that's what you need to hear to feel able to stand up for yourself: these people are so far out of what is acceptable that I can't believe the cheek of them. Literally I can't fathom what is going on in their minds, other than them being bullies who know they're taking advantage and don't care.

I understand if you don't feel able to directly call them out for the rude and cheeky arseholes they are. But you can feel confident that standing up to them by saying no is more than acceptable.

Hello op!

I always try to polite, although sometimes it can come across as a bit passive aggressive when I’m fed up.

I‘d probably say something along the lines of…

We hope you’re sorted now or are getting there. I know it’s been tough and we haven’t minded helping out temporarily, however, we won’t be able to offer support anymore, as I’m getting very tired with the pregnancy and we’re getting ready for the baby. I won’t be able to gift lifts or run errands going forward.
I’d also appreciate if you didn’t knock the door, as I say, we can’t support but also are trying to minimise stress. We know you’ll completely understand and best of luck to you too”.

Whatever you decide it all sounds too intrusive to maintain and you are in no way being unreasonable putting a stop to this behaviour.

As for your daughter, if she approaches her again, I’d just say that you’d appreciate if she didn’t call your daughter as you’re teaching her not to go to people she doesn’t know very well or strangers. That she has been told to go with, or speak only to family she knows properly, and that calling her will confuse her. You know they’ll understand and if she wants to say hello to DD then it’s fine if a parent is with her. All part of raising children these days.

Best of luck.

I wouldn’t dream of asking my neighbour for a lift even in an emergency.

tell her you can’t afford to drop her anywhere and give her a list of local taxi companies or an uber referral code.

Being polite to “keep the peace” - what peace?

Your neighbour is a total user and unfortunately, people like that zone in on kind and accommodating people until a full stop is put to it. I think the suggestions to write a letter or put a note through their door are, frankly, ridiculous. A physical note is passive aggressive and gives them something to keep re-reading and seething over. You need to just brace yourself and have a calm face-to-face conversation next time she comes round, no matter how simple her request is. Just a calm but assertive response, look a bit irritated but not angry. “I’m afraid these favours have got out of hand. We’ve got our hands full here and we just can’t help you. Sorry. I’ve got to go, the grill is on.” She’ll go home and recount it to her husband, but it’s far better than giving them a letter to obsess over. She might be so indignant that she ignores you after that, or you may find you need to do the firm refusal 2 or 3 times. But face-to-face is ALWAYS better when dealing with a situation like this. If she continues to summon you via your children again, that also needs a firm ‘no’. Good luck, you’ll feel much better once you stand up to her.

Oh no OP, this is criminal harassment. This is way beyond cheeky fuckery.

She's a deeply unpleasant, rude and invasive person who deserves no favours or politeness whatsoever. She surely can't react any worse than she already does?

You really need to STOP answering when she knocks. Gavin de Becker says that if a stalker calls you 20 times, and you pick up on the 21st call, all that teaches him is that he needs to phone you 21 times. It makes the behaviour worse!

When you avoid answering and let her keep knocking for 15 minutes straight multiple times, then you finally answer - all you're teaching her is that you'll give in eventually and she should keep trying as hard as possible!

If she comes again you'll have to say simply, "No. Leave my property. This is harassment".

I think you need to actively put a stop to this rather than waiting for her to beg yet again, and try to politely decline, yet again.

Get your husband to go around and request that she stop knocking on your door and entering your property. If she argues, just say that she's been asked to stop, and any continuation is harassment and trespassing.

If this doesn't work, escalate legally - call the police and make clear to them that you're pregnant and this harassment is causing you great distress and is massively affecting your mental health.

Plant tall bushes or trees (preferably spiky) where she likes to look over the fence. You can get mature trees or plants cheaply on eBay and gumtree.

Good luck with this, she's never going to be a pleasant neighbour, but she has been massively imposing on you and draining your precious time and money, and it is within your power to simply refuse to do what she asks of you, and refuse to engage with her at all.

If this was me I'd refuse to confront them, write notes, send husband round etc- why should they push you into being confrontational? I'd go full on passive aggressive. When she ring for a lift, I'd cough in her face and say 'can't go out, got covid'. Then I'd develop long covid. This will.cover you for weeks. When she sees you driving your kids around etc, you're feeling better but still testing positive, better stand back. Then after the baby arrives, oh dear, you've unfortunately had a bottle of wine, can't possibly drive. About to feed baby etc. I'd basically enjoy saying no with a nonsense excuse every single time and see how long it took to get the message.

Also, get shutters or blinds so they can't peer in. Get a ring or Google doorbell so you can shout 'sorry, can't come to the door, on the loo I've got an upset stomach' through it.

I'd just resolve, right, no more lifts and then do this until they miss enough appointments, are late for things etc enough that they give up. I'd also turn off the doorbell in the evenings or when you're sleeping.

OP you really have to stand up to her or be her bitch.

Take your pick.

Yep, OP needs to find her inner voice. Try watching this OP, it’s still on Iplayer but you get the gist:-

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=c37lAV3QWSE