Neighbours keep asking for favours!

[Popcornlassie28]

My husband and I live in a village around 15 minutes from the local shops etc. We currently have two children and I’m pregnant with our third. We both work (I work shifts) and I’m also studying at uni so I’m always constantly busy being a mother, at work or as a student.

My neighbours are middle aged with no children. One drives and the other doesn’t. Recently due to medical reasons the one who drives has had to stop driving until a health clear.

Since then, I will be home with the children before/after school, getting ready for work or coming off a night shift that morning and SO ready to sleep and my neighbour will come knocking asking to be taken to work often because she’s ’missed the bus’, ‘bus doesn’t run at this time’ etc. They do not take no for an answer and she will return two, three times plus until I answer as she knows I’m home as my car is in the driveway. She is very forceful.

I haven’t minded up until this point helping where we can but it’s getting a bit much. There is never any offer for fuel money either and it’s a 30 minute round trip to drop her to where she needs to go.

In the warmer weather, they will put their heads over the fence while I’m relaxing in my garden to ask for things and ask my children ‘Go and grab Mummy/Daddy’ so they can ask for more lifts/favours. My garden should be a safe haven where my children can play and we should relax without being bothered? Or am I wrong here? I would knock the front door and if they don’t answer I wouldn’t dream of being that pushy.

I have been polite to keep the peace but they are now asking my husband to give lifts at 8am into work on Sunday morning as ‘bus isn’t running’ and even though I’m pregnant ‘Can you pick up the 2 litre bottles of water from the shop for me? They are heavy for me to carry on the bus’. My husband is saying it’s going too far and to start pushing back and being forceful with her.

How can I be forceful but polite? Am I being unreasonable? I am terrified when the baby comes she will be banging the door down to be taken out when I’ve just got them settled and I don’t want to fall out but I know I will lose my temper at this point.

They clearly have no respect for you and your family. You are just convenient service providers to them. And for some reason you are paying for that privilege.

You could offer 2 or 3 solutions
Uber
Taxi
Some GP areas offer a local drop off service for a nominal fee
Just keep saying Have you tried Uber/taxi/drop off service on repeat. Offer to add the Uber app etc etc

If they STILL persist, just say Yep, I'll be out in a minute and just ghost them

I was wondering what sort of person votes unreasonable in this scenario! So she should just carry on at their beck and call?! Just because they’ve been good helpful neighbours to a point doesn’t mean they have to carry on having the piss taken out of them!

A lot of these suggestions are very wordy. Time to blast back with the minimum number of words possible:
Door knocks.
You fling it open and blast "What now?"
Request for lift.
"What!! When did I become your free taxi service! I'm fed up.of this nonsense. Don't ask me again!"
Close door.

Practise a few times to get the feel of it and get used to raising your voice a bit.
Good luck!

feeling isn’t saying OP should carry on, just that OP and her DH shouldn’t have started in the first place.

Fuck that! Why would you do all this? And for free!

You may not have read that post properly?

You're unreasonable because you're an adult who can't seem to work out how to say no to someone asking you for something. Its not hard, doesn't need to be rude

No sorry that's not convenient for me
No can't give you a lift today

Repeat as needed op, have a bit of backbone

Wow, your neighbour was a huge cheeky fucker! How dod she react when you refused to have her kids again?

In the inimitable words of my then teenager, "Eff off, you wally".

I think either go with not answering the door or the advice to fling the door open angrily and say “What is it now?” Then respond with a “Are you serious? I’m pregnant and was asleep!” Then slam the door shut.

Not on at all. They sound so cheeky and I think you may have to prepare yourself for some nasty behaviour, when you rightly so, tell them no, sorry not convenient today. Nip all of this behaviour in the bud asap, as it will only get worse and more demanding in time.

OP I'm trying to say this kindly, but it seems like you actually have no natural boundaries for yourselves.

I thought on reading the title, it would be the usual neighbour annoyances - taking in parcels, giving missing ingredients- that sort of thing. Driving them a 30 minute return journey is a whole different level of strangeness and most people would have said no the first time they asked.

I would have some stock responses next time they ask as clearly plain No is difficult for you "Don't have time to take you" "Petrol is too expensive" "We have decided that we won't be giving lifts any more" "No that's not convenient.".

'No' is a complete sentence.

I'd simply say No, I'm too tired to drive safely and point to your bump. Say hope you get it sorted, and firmly close the door.

People like this have the hides of rhinoceros, subtle will never work. And never say sorry!

You are actively teaching your neighbour that she needs to ask 2/3/however many times and you will do the thing.

You are teaching her that if she gets your DC to ask then she gets your attention for another favour.

Teach her the opposite. Treat her like a child, say no and mean it and stick to it. Be prepared for the first few times to be horrible because she will expect you to give in. Do not give in.

If she approaches your child, ignore. Teach her that that approach does not result in your attention. Speaking to your child gets her absolutely nowhere. Act as though your child didn't give you the request (do something different with them / take them indoors if necessary, until she learns).

Classic mumsnet comment incoming but they sound “Batshit!” I cannot believe it!!! Insane I’d be switching the doorbell off ignoring them etc absolute madness.

Hopefully the responses here have given OP all the backing she needs to put a stop to this.

To be honest if anyone came back 3 times to knock on my door I certainly wouldn't be giving them a lift after that. Safe to say they'd never knock again after the ear full I'd give them.

She went full cunt actually and wrote something really mean about me on fb! She said I was a horrible mum because my DC was always in school! (I worked full Time so he did breakfast and after school club) and anyway, that resulted in a wee bit of drama. And then my DP and I became serious over the next couple of years and her eldest DD knocked on my door asking could I wash her uniform as they had none clean due to broken machine, obviously I didn't say no, but I stupidly said to her to bring her siblings uniforms and her mum then dropped off 5 bin bags of clothes/towels/bedding etc which I did, washed, used my laundry powder etc and the massive CF wrote another fucking status after I washed all the fucking clothes because I didn't dry them! She had a broken machine not dryer, plus it was warm enough to peg it outside! The kids would knock and ask me for money for "youthie" or a fiver to play footie now and again. But their mum was still arsey. We moved away ages ago and just after lock down her DD was in the local park to me, I was with my DC and this girl is a teen now, and she was asking dads/random men passing by to help her get out of a baby swing. So I told her that she wasn't to do that, got her out the swing and her mum messaged me kicking off 🤣 I went apeshit in response to that because I might be a pushover and general tit, but her dd was making herself (and random men who genuinely may have thought they were helping!) Vulnerable to both her being assaulted or a man being accused of something sinister.

I'm glad I'm away from it now, she was the type of woman who seemed to just thrive off causing trouble. I've amazing neighbours now! ❤

How can I be forceful but polite?

Forget the “polite” bit. People like this will take politeness as weakness; they’ll see it as a way in to grind you down.

You share a postcode, not a friendship. You don’t need to care whether they like you or not. Whatever you do for them won’t be enough, so do nothing for them.

Your neighbour sounds batshit. I think there's no option but to have a clear conversation about it, tell them you can't help anymore and go very low contact.

I think this has gone on to long for a tension free refusal now so you are just going to have to be firm and direct. I agree with other posters, never use the word sorry in your refusal.

"No I can't give you a lift, you'll have to find an alternative from now on."

Never give a reason for why you can't do something. People who ask for a reason when you have said no are just looking to start negotiating, refuse to engage, they do not and will never respect other peoples boundaries.

Lwrenn I love your post.

I like this one. Acknowledge you were okay to do the odd favour but they’re being ridiculous now. Once you’ve said that and if they keep trying, follow it up with “no”.

On one side it’s outrageous they would ask these things, although I’m not quite with you on the swimming suit clad kids, if you’re not a dodgy bloke. you’d prob not think twice about that, as a normal woman, I certainly wouldn’t think I couldn’t talk to a kid I know if they were in their swimsuit, or even running round their garden in the scud, although clearly I’d not be leaning over the fence and asking favours.

so it’s outrageous they are so intrusive and asking you this stuff, but I also find it equally ridiculous you can’t say no. So I do feel you share responsibility here. They clearly think you’re happy to do this shit as you keep saying yes,

so you need to simply say no I can’t. handle it politely though. I didn’t and it’s not gone well.

I had similar neighbour problems, except mine was they kept making minor petty complaints, as well as feeling they should know everything we were doing in the house , garden, in terms of renovations or new stuff. And judging it.

I didn’t handle it well.

I started being rude back. So if she complained, I made the same complaint back immediately. ( every complaint they made they were also guilty of) , it started to really really wind me up. And then I eventually told them straight, not to fucking come near us again and that I was absolutely pig sick of their nonsense. That it was our home , we owned it, not them.

It worked to an extent but the fall out has been huge. They don’t complain to us directly any more, but they now complain to everyone else about us ie neighbours etc. If there is a tradesperson here, they stop them and ask what they are doing in our house. They ask delivery men what they are delivering to us. As we have regular neighbour get togethers, we socialise seperately and they wong go if we are going. They invite everyone and exclude us.

they simply cannot see that it’s fucking outrageous and none of their business, they genuinely feel they have the right to know what goes on in our house, and they genuinely seem to feel we should not be seen or heard.