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Original poster

17y/o dd dating 19y/o

86 replies

Joshnlibsmum · 14/01/2024 01:42

Dd turned 17 yesterday and while 16 she met a boy working together in a restaurant. He turns 19 in march. There relationship has progressed beyond friendship but she says they are seeing each other but aren't boyfriend and girlfriend. I get that and that there's a period before kids go official. Dd wanted to stay over at his house tonight.... she asked at midnight. She isn't on the pill and I said I want her to be protected before sleeping over. DD said she doesn't want to stay to have sex. I said there is a risk things might happen in the heat of the moment and I'd rather she planned for that before sleeping over. My wife thinks the age gap is too big because they are in different places in life but I say that's not up to us, ultimately. My wife says she would accept it if they were official bf and gf but I understand there's a transitional period. We obviously want to make sure she focuses on her studies (she's head girl, a smart kid). Sorry about the stream of consciousness as I'm not really sure what I'm asking but if anyone can unpick and advise I would be most grateful.

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 14/01/2024 01:46

This all sounds absolutely fine. It’s good that you’ve talked about contraception, but now that you’ve done it, I think you should back off and let her negotiate this herself.

JMSA · 14/01/2024 01:47

I would support your daughter in navigating (what will probably be) her first relationship. She's going to do it anyway, so it might as well be with your blessing! The age gap is fine.

PeopleAreWeird · 14/01/2024 01:49

She’s 17 , his 18 !!! Are you being serious??

PaperwhiteTheGhost · 14/01/2024 01:49

I can't see any problem at all with this.

DinaofCloud9 · 14/01/2024 01:50

She's 17 and he's 18. This is completely fine and normal.

YoureALizardHarry11 · 14/01/2024 01:52

The age gap is too big?? Between a 17 and 18 year old? Come on, be real 🤣 so what if they have sex? There’s always a condom!

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 14/01/2024 01:54

Hand her a box of condoms, tell her to remember to be safe and then leave it alone

2 years between 17 and 19 is fine and fairly normal. And he's 18 atm anyway.

WagWoofWalkMeeoow · 14/01/2024 02:04

There's 2 years between them, what's the problem with that?

how many years between you & your wife?

However, I think 'staying over' so young (16+1day) makes the relationship too serious too soon.

IMO she should be in her own bed asleep at midnight, not asking to be taken around to a boys house at midnight.

Ruffpuff · 14/01/2024 02:07

In 12 months she will officially be an adult. She is old enough to understand contraception. There isn’t even a 2 year age gap.

At some point you need to learn to back off and allow her to make her own decisions.

Wanna17 · 14/01/2024 02:13

Sounds like she's very sensible and it's all legal so let them be

TheOriginalEmu · 14/01/2024 02:13

I’d be fine with it if it was my 16 year old as long as I’d met the boy and I liked him. That’s because I know my kid and I trust her to be sensible. Only you knod your child. But there is no ‘age gap’ between them!

ZiriForGood · 14/01/2024 02:37

She seems pretty sensible in general and she is old enough to work in restaurant. There is less than 2 years age gap. Sounds totally fine.

I am bit worried about the comment about the pill and wanting her to be protected. It isn't parent's place to put young women on long term medication just so the parent feels better. It definitely isn't fair to make it a condition of the sleepover.

YankSplaining · 14/01/2024 02:57

ZiriForGood · 14/01/2024 02:37

She seems pretty sensible in general and she is old enough to work in restaurant. There is less than 2 years age gap. Sounds totally fine.

I am bit worried about the comment about the pill and wanting her to be protected. It isn't parent's place to put young women on long term medication just so the parent feels better. It definitely isn't fair to make it a condition of the sleepover.

Agree with all of this. It’s one thing to talk to teenagers about contraception, but you don’t get to slap down a mandate that your daughter has to take a particular medication. Invasive, infantilizing, and just plain weird.

My husband and I are one year and seven months apart; we started dating when I was sixteen and he was a month away from turning eighteen. The idea that it’s some sort of problematic age gap is just laughable to me. As OP’s daughter gets older, her peers are going to all choose different paths and they’ll all be at different places in their lives.

novocaine4thesoul · 14/01/2024 03:08

The age gap is fine, the sex is fine, she might want easy access to condoms so should does not end up in bother. Other than would not interfere. XX

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/01/2024 03:19

ZiriForGood · 14/01/2024 02:37

She seems pretty sensible in general and she is old enough to work in restaurant. There is less than 2 years age gap. Sounds totally fine.

I am bit worried about the comment about the pill and wanting her to be protected. It isn't parent's place to put young women on long term medication just so the parent feels better. It definitely isn't fair to make it a condition of the sleepover.

Quite. Men appear to think that the pill is consequence free, because it is for them. Condoms all the way particularly in casual relationships because being on the pill invariably leads to the stupid and often repeated 'condoms are tight/sore/boring/uncomfortable/reduce feeling, you're on the pill, right?' script.

And 17 and 18 isn't an age gap.

mrsbitaly · 14/01/2024 03:35

I think now is the time to take her to the doctors to choose an additional contraception IF she chooses.
If she agrees then staying over would be fine it's going to happen and its better that it's with someone she's dating and become friends with who will hopefully be respectful.

Changedforthisthread1 · 14/01/2024 03:38

I agree with what the other posters have said.

The only thing I'll add is, at some point you and your wife have to trust your daughter to make decisions for herself.

She is clearly a responsible girl; smart, head girl and also working. And it's also clear you and your wife have a good relationship with her, that she can come to you and talk about these things. (I.e she is not doing this secretly).
At 17, you need to start switching from telling her what to do, to giving advice and trusting she will make the right decisions.

She won't always follow your advice, and she will make mistakes.

Let's face it, we all sometimes don't follow advice and fuck up.😀
But as long as you keep that open, trusting relationship, she'll know she can always come to you for support, even if she makes the wrong decisions.

Teasie123 · 14/01/2024 03:44

My daughter was 19 and started dating a 23 yr old. I was terrified. Thinking all sorts, from her teenage life is ruined to she's gonna be bullied by him. She's just bought her first house with him and is definitely the boss of her own life. He's so lovely I can't find fault if I tried. Let it be, it might work out all ok.xx

Midnightgrey · 14/01/2024 03:49

This is so funny - two years!

I kept being asked out by men in their thirties when I was a teenager. I rather figured that it wasn't my sparkling personality that older men were attracted to though. I wondered who'd ask me out in my twenties - at the rate I was going I thought they might be geriatrics with walking frames. I went out with one of them - he was a mature student - but I was a bit vain about wearing my glasses and I didn't realise he was looking a bit frayed round the edges. He was quite nice but too old for me as far as I was concerned. My mum thought he was very nice and to be honest, he did have very nice manners. She didn't have any concerns about the parade of older men at all - she's not Anglo Saxon so I suspect she may have had a different perspective.

My husband was the youngest man I'd ever gone out with at only three years older than me and under 30 at the time.

Duckingella · 14/01/2024 03:55

Your 17 year old daughter is allowed to A.Have sex and B.Have male company beyond just friendship.

How she chooses to indulge in that behaviour is up to her as long as it's not illegal or causing harm to anyone then it's non of your business.

Condoms are perfectly fine.

I met my husband at 16 and he was 18;this lad and your daughter have a 22 month age gap;at their age it's nothing to be concerned about.

MiIz · 14/01/2024 06:50

17 and 18....totally normal. She shouldn't even need to be asking if she can stay over at that age, she's pretty much a young adult now making her own decisions.

maras2 · 14/01/2024 06:54

I was 15
He was 19
I'm now 70 and he's 74.
Just sayin' Smile

Beezknees · 14/01/2024 07:12

17 and 19 seems OK, especially as he's not even turned 19 yet. I think if he was 21+ it would be weird.

LlynTegid · 14/01/2024 07:17

Don't think the age gap is an issue, would in your shoes be concerned about pressure to have sex.

GenXisthebest · 14/01/2024 07:20

Presumably they will use condoms if they have sex, so it doesn't matter that she's not on the pill?