17y/o dd dating 19y/o

[Joshnlibsmum]

Dd turned 17 yesterday and while 16 she met a boy working together in a restaurant. He turns 19 in march. There relationship has progressed beyond friendship but she says they are seeing each other but aren't boyfriend and girlfriend. I get that and that there's a period before kids go official. Dd wanted to stay over at his house tonight.... she asked at midnight. She isn't on the pill and I said I want her to be protected before sleeping over. DD said she doesn't want to stay to have sex. I said there is a risk things might happen in the heat of the moment and I'd rather she planned for that before sleeping over. My wife thinks the age gap is too big because they are in different places in life but I say that's not up to us, ultimately. My wife says she would accept it if they were official bf and gf but I understand there's a transitional period. We obviously want to make sure she focuses on her studies (she's head girl, a smart kid). Sorry about the stream of consciousness as I'm not really sure what I'm asking but if anyone can unpick and advise I would be most grateful.

I think that 17 and 19 is a completely fine age gap. I also wouldn't push the pill of she doesn't want to take it but I would be buying her condoms and insists she takes them with her even if I had to sneak them into her bag 😅

Your son needs to mind his own business and stop interfering in his sister's love life.

My wife thinks the age gap is too big because they are in different places in life

They really aren't, though! They met when they were literally working together in the same restaurant, and they are less than 2 years apart in age.

Your wife might have a point if he was say 29 years old and he was the restaurant manager. Even then, though, it wouldn't be up to you.

there Is nothing to worry about here.

And it really depends on the person doesn't it, I was 25 when I met DH who was 38, we were at the same places in our lives then, at 25 he was nowhere near in the same place as me.

Ok, so she has had a sexual relationship before (I am curious now what was the age difference) she used the pill and was unhappy about the side effects...

And now you want her to get back on the pill, so she can sleep over at friend's, when she isn't even planning to have sex, she just doesn't feel she can come home later at night because she has to be mindful about whole street's sleep.

I haven't expected to say this at the beginning of this thread, but you have darling dogs problem. It isn't fair to limit your daughter because you can't train your dogs.

God you all need to back off. The age gap is tiny! You all involved in her sex life must make her cringe.

Your son is talking shite. Lots of people had relationships with people from back home and in the last year of 6th form. I think him accusing an 18 year old of being a nonce is far more concerning than the relationship of your almost adult daughter.

Ahh but you're forgetting he is male and female sex lives are people to discuss and judge......

It seems the way they talk at that age! 16 year old DS would say that about 18 year old DS wanting to go out with a 16 year old (though 18 year old said that about himself a while back when discussing potential of going out with younger girl). We said he wouldn’t be and it was quite usual when we were younger.

however, things are different now and on the other side of the coin (on gender) now he’s turned 18, I would feel better if any girlfriend would be over 18. The law sees under 18s as vulnerable minors with risk of grooming, possession of child pornography on phone etc. the situation could be bad judgement (let’s face it middle aged men show friends photos of girlfriends to their friends, why wouldn’t an 18-year old) or an aggrieved ex girlfriend or a girls parents who think their daughter is an innocent virgin.
so 20/18 I wouldn’t have any concerns, 19/17 I’d have slight concerns. But as I said this is from the other side of the coin.

My DD is 16 and in her first relationship. I buy her condoms and she’s on the pill. We’ve had open discussions about protection, condoms are the first line, the pill is the back up.

i see nothing wrong with the age gap, it’s very small, and often girls are far more mature than boys anyway.

i would let her stay over at that age but would definitely be having the safe sex discussion.0

My DD is also 17 and has her first "serious" boyfriend who is 18. She's also recently started to sleep at his house. At first I was worried but I talked to her about safe sex - she's on the pill and also planned to use condoms - and I feel way more relaxed about it now. It helps that he seems to be a lovely lad, very respectful and I do get good vibes from him.

I am not remotely concerned about any age gap though - there isn't really one. I'd much rather she dated an 18 year old at 17 than say a 28 year old!

It's really none of your business. You can advise her but you can't force her to take contraception. Even if she was seeing a different guy every week, that's her choice. I don't think the age difference is a problem at all. Just leave her to get on with it.

She doesn't really need permissions to have a relationship with someone OP. She doesn't need permission to sleep over at her blokes house either. You both seem weirdly involved in it. Leave her alone man.

You're being weird.

Age gap is fine. You have done the contraceptive talk so now leave it to DD. Support her for this is likely to be her first relationship. Make it a happy one and not a battlefield. Good luck - been through ditto nightmare.

Not being weird. And absolutely need to tell DPs where one is, especially important for a DD.

Letting people know as a courtesy. She doesn't need permission though.

I dated a 19 year old when I was 17 and he treated me so well and much better than my first boyfriend who was the same age as me. We dated for 2 years and had sex when I turned 18. It was his first time too. He didn’t pressurise me at all and we split up after I went to uni but we are still on good terms although not really friends anymore.

Your daughters sex life none of the step mothers business.
Your username and original post say your kids names and daughters date of birth. Maybe get it edited to remove her birthday date, when discussing her private life on the internet.

I'm slightly surprised at the responses here, though mine are younger so maybe I'm out of touch. I kind of think when they are 16-17 they are sort of adults but sort of not, and still need a bit of guidance.

If she's literally just turned 17 and she's not in a proper relationship with the guy, then I don't think it's unreasonable not to immediately say yes to an unplanned midnight sleepover (either at his house or at yours). I'm not sure what my rules would be here though! Maybe something like, that they're in a relationship, that contraception has been discussed, and that I've met the person.

I've seen similar questions on here about young adult kids having their boyfriends / girlfriends stay over. The general consensus seemed to be yes if an actual relationship, but no to a string of one-night stands.

Prepared to be told I'm out of touch, it's none of my business, and they are entirely an adult after they turn 16!

@Joshnlibsmum I work in sexual health, and have spent years working with that age range.

first, the pill mightn't be the best contraceptive option- I'd always recommend to a younger female to consider a form of LARC (Long Acting Reversible Contraception) as there is less risk of user failure and therefore more reliable. LARC options include copper coil (hormone free), IUS (coil with hormones), implant (has hormones), the contraception injection, and even the patch or nuvaring (the last two not technically LARC but still better than the pill.

However, she really needs to think about STIs in addition to condoms. Until they are monogamous and have both been tested for STIs, she needs to use condoms regardless of whether she is on contraception. Condoms are the only thing that work as both contraception and STI prevention.

Otherwise I'd say back off. If she's having sex, the most important thing is she is safe, knows how and when to say no and set boundaries, and express what she wants and does not want to do. Those are conversations we need to be having with our young people!!

OP is within their rights to not allow sleepovers at their own house. Their house their rules. However, at 17, the DD could move out and get her own place if she wanted. OP can't really tell her where she's allowed to go or who she can sleepover with.

I understand most parents would feel a certain was about this situation but ultimately it's not up to them.

The DD could move out, however, the OP is still legally responsible for her until she is 18 so it's not that straightforward. And it's not that easy for a 16 or 17 year old to get their own place these days.

Also, below from the NSPCC website:
In England, a child is defined as anyone who has not yet reached their 18th birthday. Child protection guidance points out that even if a child has reached 16 years of age and is:

• living independently
• in further education
• a member of the armed forces
• in hospital; or
• in custody in the secure estate

they are still legally children and should be given the same protection and entitlements as any other child (Department for Education, 2023).

OP can't really tell her where she's allowed to go or who she can sleepover with.

True. I guess at that age it becomes more requesting that they follow your guidance rather than laying down the law. I think someone upthread said they would have appreciated more parental boundaries at that age. Whereas I guess other kids would resist strongly. So partly depends on the kid perhaps!

It does sound like the OP has a good relationship with her DD and has supported her previously in sorting out appropriate contraception. So I'm sure they can work out something sensible between them. I am slightly dreading mine getting to this age :)

My Daughter is 17 (18 in 4 weeks) and bf is 20. I think that boys who are a bit older are more mature than ones there own age, the ones she has dated that are the same age, are only instrested in 1 thing!

As parents we can only guide them, my daughter is on the pill and we are very open about sex, we have said if you think the condom has split, go to get the morning after pill to be safe (if you arent on the pill) although we don't want to encourage it, we do need to give her all the information thats out there to keep her safe. Sex is only 1 part of it, there is so much to worry about!

Good Luck, If she is a good kid she will make the right choices and we do have to make mistakes to learn my them.