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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

17y/o dd dating 19y/o

86 replies

Joshnlibsmum · 14/01/2024 01:42

Dd turned 17 yesterday and while 16 she met a boy working together in a restaurant. He turns 19 in march. There relationship has progressed beyond friendship but she says they are seeing each other but aren't boyfriend and girlfriend. I get that and that there's a period before kids go official. Dd wanted to stay over at his house tonight.... she asked at midnight. She isn't on the pill and I said I want her to be protected before sleeping over. DD said she doesn't want to stay to have sex. I said there is a risk things might happen in the heat of the moment and I'd rather she planned for that before sleeping over. My wife thinks the age gap is too big because they are in different places in life but I say that's not up to us, ultimately. My wife says she would accept it if they were official bf and gf but I understand there's a transitional period. We obviously want to make sure she focuses on her studies (she's head girl, a smart kid). Sorry about the stream of consciousness as I'm not really sure what I'm asking but if anyone can unpick and advise I would be most grateful.

OP posts:

caringcarer · 15/01/2024 14:39

So only 1 year age difference if she is 17 and he is 18. Very normal and really up to them.

Alloftheskies · 15/01/2024 14:45

There's no issue with the age gap but I think you are wise to ask she sorts out her contraception before allowing overnight stays
And you are also right about the transitional period

Mitherations · 15/01/2024 14:54

Liababy · 14/01/2024 13:50

You are definitely far too involved in her relationship.

Furthermore your wife, her stepmother, is absolutely too involved in her relationship.

cheddercherry · 15/01/2024 15:10

I think your son is dramatic and quite ridiculous in his logic. I was 17 when I began dating my (now husband) who was 18 at the time but then turned 19 six months after. I went to uni at 18 (summer born) so was literally just 18 and he started the year after, there was a cross over where I was at uni (although younger than him) and he was finishing a final exam at sixth form. Didn’t make me some sort of automatic predator just because we were studying in two different places and there was 18 months between us. How odd to think otherwise.

They've met in a common organic location of work, obviously they enjoy each others company - it’s not like he was lurking outside schools in his spare time.

Kwam31 · 15/01/2024 15:16

Two years is nothing, my DD 18, has a bf just turned 21, very committee and good to each other

Jarstastic · 15/01/2024 15:21

Brunsy123 · 15/01/2024 14:39

My Daughter is 17 (18 in 4 weeks) and bf is 20. I think that boys who are a bit older are more mature than ones there own age, the ones she has dated that are the same age, are only instrested in 1 thing!

As parents we can only guide them, my daughter is on the pill and we are very open about sex, we have said if you think the condom has split, go to get the morning after pill to be safe (if you arent on the pill) although we don't want to encourage it, we do need to give her all the information thats out there to keep her safe. Sex is only 1 part of it, there is so much to worry about!

Good Luck, If she is a good kid she will make the right choices and we do have to make mistakes to learn my them.

You sound sensible! May be worth having a chat with her about 'morning after pill' only being effective before ovulation, and not effective at all after ovulation.

HamBone · 15/01/2024 15:32

GenXisthebest · 14/01/2024 07:20

Presumably they will use condoms if they have sex, so it doesn't matter that she's not on the pill?

I recommend doubling up on contraception to my DD (18) as they’re so fertile at that age. I did, I was on the Pill and used condoms.
Better to be as safe as possible!

The age gap isn’t an issue, of course.

Brunsy123 · 15/01/2024 15:54

My husband worry’s about teenage pregnancy and he always says no good telling them after it’s happened is there! Good luck! I joke to my daughter and say if you get pregnant don’t get attached coz we will be off to clinic 😂. ultimately it would always be her decision x

Moier · 15/01/2024 16:04

My Grandson is 18.. his GF just turned 17. Been together a year.. they live 400 miles apart but travel every college,/ Uni holiday via train to spend the holidays at each others houses.
It's fabulous to see them together.. they go shopping.. to the cinema.. for something to eat at mcdonalds etc.. go for walks.. go on the computer. Visit me. To festivals and to see bands.
( His Mum knows he buys condoms.. and had the talk about respect etc ). I think let them be together and find their own way in life.. either as friends or something more.. young love is exciting at their age and wonderful to see.. most of us have been there.
I met my husband when l was 16 and he was 17 and were together for 14 years .. .

ManateeFair · 15/01/2024 16:37

She's 17 and he's 18; they are not at different stages of life. They work together.

If things 'happen in the heat of the moment' they can use condoms. You can't force her to go on hormonal contraception. In fact, I would probably say it's better that they use a condom because then they'll also be protected against various STIs, which they won't with the Pill. If she's on the Pill I guarantee they won't use a condom.

Personally I think you and your wife are both being a little bit over-involved in this. By all means have a conversation about safe sex but you can't make her go on the Pill and I don't think your wife can tell a 17-year-old who feels ready to have sex at what point in her relationship that will be acceptable.

ManateeFair · 15/01/2024 16:45

Joshnlibsmum · 14/01/2024 12:42

Thanks everyone, I needed to sense check and agree (mostly). On the pill situation though she had a previous relationship and was on the pill. When they broke up she was still taking it and it was making her constantly hungry. She wasn't happy that it caused her to gain weight so I suggested she might take a break from the pill as she wasn't in a relationship to give her body a rest and that she could speak to the GP about other pills or options if she entered a new relationship. So I'm definitely not forcing her onto the pill, just suggesting she considers Contraception again before a new relationship becomes intimate. Also I'm not a man, I'm her mum, my wife is step mum. She seemed fine about the boy until my son 20 came home for Christmas from uni and made a big deal about his age and saying he would think any uni student going out with a sixth former would be weirdo (i wont use the word he actually used). Now she's totally changed her view. I just want to let DD grow up in her own time but wife wants to helicopter parent.

Your son sounds awful. I'd be more worried him than your daughter - she sounds far more sensible and mature than him. He needs to keep his opinions on his sister's sex life to himself. He should not be appointing himself the gatekeeper to her vagina.

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