17y/o dd dating 19y/o

[Joshnlibsmum]

Dd turned 17 yesterday and while 16 she met a boy working together in a restaurant. He turns 19 in march. There relationship has progressed beyond friendship but she says they are seeing each other but aren't boyfriend and girlfriend. I get that and that there's a period before kids go official. Dd wanted to stay over at his house tonight.... she asked at midnight. She isn't on the pill and I said I want her to be protected before sleeping over. DD said she doesn't want to stay to have sex. I said there is a risk things might happen in the heat of the moment and I'd rather she planned for that before sleeping over. My wife thinks the age gap is too big because they are in different places in life but I say that's not up to us, ultimately. My wife says she would accept it if they were official bf and gf but I understand there's a transitional period. We obviously want to make sure she focuses on her studies (she's head girl, a smart kid). Sorry about the stream of consciousness as I'm not really sure what I'm asking but if anyone can unpick and advise I would be most grateful.

Completely normal age gap

I think the OP is getting a hard time. Of course talking to their 17 year old about contraception is their business. If she got pregnant people would be quick enough with the ‘condoms are not enough’ and ‘why was she staying there anyway’ posts.

Make sure she knows her contraceptive options OP (coil, pill, etc) and that it’s generally a good idea to use one of those plus a condom.

And I would think it’s not the actual age gap that’s a problem. More likely the OPs DD is still at high school while the boy has left and is working full time or similar (a different stage of life).

It's understandable that you're concerned as you still see DD as a child who you need to protect.
The age gap is nothing to worry about.
The pill comment - you really need to stay out of that, it's your dds body so it's her choice, she's smart so she'll know about contraception.
Is he still working at the restaurant, asking someone to sleep over at midnight smacks of a "booty call", I'd be more concerned that she knows her worth and doesn't respond to a booty call.
Personally I'd loosen up a bit, keep the lines of communication open (without the contraception talk). She's a young woman stepping into the adult world, don't get over involved.

I wouldn’t let her stay over. Not yet at leat. I was allowed to stay over at boyfriend’s house from your daughter’s age and I wish my parents had been a bit stricter with boundaries generally tbh. I was fine but in hindsight a bit more guidance regarding how valuable/special I am (and everyone is) and looking after myself would have been very helpful in navigating both this situation and then my 20s generally. Just saying ‘oh she’s 16 they’ll be at it soon anyway, just pack her off with some contraception’ is unhelpful

I agree about the booty call bit. A call at midnight to stay over at this age is a firm no

He's only the year above her, that's completely normal isn't it?

She's told you that she's not staying over for sex. It used to really annoy me when I was a teenager that my parents assumed sex was the reason for everything, and that I was such a weak girl that I didn't even know my own mind. Why not trust her? You can still give her a pack of condoms just in case, but why not believe her?

I was 18 when DH and I started a relationship. He was 21. Were we at different stages of life? Nope because we met at uni so actually were at the same stage of life in spite of our 2.5 year age difference. Also, 2 years (not even that in your DD’s case) is not a big gap at all.

Her choice entirely if she goes on the pill or any other form of hormonal contraception.

She's not that smart, otherwise she would have told you she was staying over at >insert best friends name< for the night like most of us did back in the day😉
In all honesty I would be more annoyed about it being arranged for her to go over at midnight, go at a sensible time if you want to use mums taxi in this house!
The 'age gap' is laughable. I swear one day I'll open a thread on mn and someone will be saying it's only acceptable to date someone born in the same month on the same year and anything else is pervy or an imbalance of power!

One of coil or pill? Both is rather invasive to woman's body. It still might be a good choice for some, but if the parent doesn't understand the side effects and issues, they shouldn't propose it.

Anything hormonal changes the natural feromonal perception, which is troublesome in the age when young women are learning about attraction and their own preferences.

Nothing wrong with a 17 and 18 year old being together

17 and 18/19 - no problem whatsoever.

Midnight hook-ups with a guy who can’t commit to calling her his girlfriend or not have sex with other people: not on. She should know her worth. She should be with someone who wants to take her out, chat, dance, cuddle up with for a film - not just see for a quick shag and kick out the door an hour later.

But they should make sure she knows her options. Perhaps from GP etc. OP just going ‘oh I don’t understand everything about the foil so I won’t bother mentioning it’ would be stupid l.

I think the age gap is ok but she should know her worth and have healthy self esteem.

one thing on the age she may be over the age of consent but as she is under 18, if she sends or he takes any photos of her, and he stores or shares them with a friend he could be charged with child pornography and end up on a sex offenders register.

Thanks everyone, I needed to sense check and agree (mostly). On the pill situation though she had a previous relationship and was on the pill. When they broke up she was still taking it and it was making her constantly hungry. She wasn't happy that it caused her to gain weight so I suggested she might take a break from the pill as she wasn't in a relationship to give her body a rest and that she could speak to the GP about other pills or options if she entered a new relationship. So I'm definitely not forcing her onto the pill, just suggesting she considers Contraception again before a new relationship becomes intimate. Also I'm not a man, I'm her mum, my wife is step mum. She seemed fine about the boy until my son 20 came home for Christmas from uni and made a big deal about his age and saying he would think any uni student going out with a sixth former would be weirdo (i wont use the word he actually used). Now she's totally changed her view. I just want to let DD grow up in her own time but wife wants to helicopter parent.

Yes, I was thinking exactly this, that a midnight call does suggest "booty".
The age difference is minimal, in fact I can't understand why a young woman would want out go out with a chap the same age, they are so immature in comparison to women, especially as teenagers.

Nothing wrong with that age gap at all, and what a load of crap your son is spouting, loads of 18/19yos would date 6th formers, maturity wise there won't be any difference, all students. In no way shape or form are the uni students I know more mature than most 6th form girls.

I probably wouldn't facilitate a booty call with my just turned 17 year old daughter.

I can’t beleive your 17 year old is asking permission rather than just informing you where she’s going!

Is that not normal?
We have 3 dogs who alert the entire street if someone comes into the house at night when we are asleep so the kids are used to checking what time we are going to bed etc and being respectful to not waking up the house/street.

Thanks, that's what my gut said. She was finishing work at midnight and wanted to see him and didn't want to wake us by coming in later. So I do understand both perspectives which is why I was so torn last night. Parenting is hard but even harder when doing it with a step parent who has different ideas on parenting.

You are far too involved with your daughters sex life, she's already had a sexual relationship!

Back off!

You are definitely far too involved in her relationship.

I agree. My 17yo is old enough to let us know what he's doing out of courtesy but that's it. Obviously we still give him guidance and advice but certainly don't get involved in his personal life. I actually find it quite alarming that so many posters do. They are adults soon, people need to stop babying their kids, no wonder the workplace is full of work shy/entitled 19/20 yos!

It's only 2 years, what's wrong with that?